DRUNKEN THOUGHTS 8/8/09

(In an effort to prove im good in any condition, heres my drunken thoughts.

Fuck Peter King.)

- I think Michael Crabtree is only holding out because hes a pussy.

- I think any beer pong shot ''off the dick'' is hilarious.

- I think that we need to get rolling on the nfl previews again soon,

- I think blogging would be a great career if it paid better.

- I think radio is the right career choice for me, I never shut up.

- I think the Nationals are headed in the right direction.

- I think Stephen Strasburg has more bust potential than a 1st wet dream.

-I think I will retract that statment from the record if he does sign with the Nats.

-I think drunkenly drinking a 5hr energy drink instead of just passing out was a bad idea, but not like the kind of bad idea that results in an abortion.

I think i'll go play video games now.

(masturbates furiously)

A special message from......SHARK

Whats up muther fuckers! Goddamn im drunk! You know why im drunk? You better know why! ITS MUTHER FUCKIN SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been drinkin Land Shark and hittin every piece of sweet shark pussy thats come my way!

(Eats semi-attractive teenager)

So out of the kindness of my heart, and to promote my mouther-fuckin week, i've decided to promote this blog for Stu. He'll be back when......well I actually dunno when he'll be back, prolly some time after mother fucking SHARK WEEK! RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Seasons Dunn- What the Nationals should do at the trade deadline

(Im about to do Stan Kasten's job for him.)

So the Nats won today. Wooooo! Win #30! Bring out the coke and strippers! Having reached that tragically tough to attain total, I have a message for Nationals Team President Stan Kasten-

BURN THIS MOTHER-FUCKER TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!

I know, this may seem irrational, childish, and incredibly short-sighted- but it needs to be done. Don't worry Stan, you don't need to leave the office. I'll do the scouting. I'll bring you the ideas. Just fucking do it, before im forced to run on the field and get physical with Mike McDougal.

1. Trade OF Josh Willingham to the Reds for LHP Daniel Herrera and RHP Homer Bailey.

Yes, I know Willingham is having a breakout season, but everytime he comes up in an important spot, he chokes. He will never be more coveted, especially by the OF needy Reds. Herrera(2.97 ERA) has been solid out of the pen, and Bailey is former highly regarded prospect who the Reds have given up on.

2. Trade OF Austin Kearns to the Cubs, Cubs trade OF Milton Bradley to the Tigers, Tigers trade LHP Mauricio Robles to the Nationals.

Kearns is expensive and terrible, but a all-around good guy. Bradley is expensive, slightly less terrible, and a complete headcase. But the Tigers are fucking desperate. Who the fuck is Robles you ask? A 20 yr old left handed starter thats been decent in High-A ball. I would say thats a good haul for a guy hitting .196.

3. Trade OF Adam Dunn and LHP Joe Beimel to the Yankees for RHP's Phil Hughes,Ian Kennedy, Andrew Brackman, and C Francisco Cervelli.

The Yankees will be, as usual, aggressive at the deadline. Dunn was made to play in ''The House that Roids Built.'' Beimel will give NY a 2nd lefty in the pen'. As for the Nats haul, Hughes has started to put things together out of the pen, Kennedy was terrible when called up last year but has been dominating AAA, Brackman has been terrible in low-A ball but is a former #1 draft choice with a 99mph heater. Cervelli is a decent catcher prospect.

4. Trade 1B Nick Johnson and SS Cristian Guzman to the Red Sox for RHP's Justin Masterson and Daniel Bard, LHP Dustin Richardson, and 1B Lars Anderson.

The Red Sox have already been active, acquiring Chris Duncan and Adam LaRoche, 2 guys who both hit left handed and play 1st base. That said, Nick Johnson's a major upgrade. Cristian Guzman will fill the Sox long standing hole at SS. On the Nats side of things, Masterson's a solid righty who would get a chance to start in Washington. Bard throws 100 and looks like a future closer. Richardson is a set-up prospect putting up good #s at AA. Anderson projects as a future ''.280 35hr''-type hitter.

5. Trade UTIL Willie Harris and LHP Ron Villone to the Rays for SS Reid Brignac and LHP Darin Downs.

Harris and Villone are 2 guys that, while helpful to contenders, are pretty useless to a young team like the Nats. Brignac might never be an All-Star, but could hit .280 with solid D. Downs has been good in High-A ball.

Today, I am the greatest of all-time-

Rickey Henderson

July Mailbag....Riding Down the Road to Glory

(This road is also white, moist, and hairless)

Jesus Tits has shit gone down this month. Apparently my blog is read by more than.....me. Steve McNair was tragically killed on the 4th of July, Oscar Mayer died, Erin Andrews was found all nekkid on the internet, and someone made the wild allegation that Ben Roethlisberger knows how to use his dick. There are many questions to be answered, and while i'm probably not the guy who should be answering them, fuck it I will anyway.

Q: Give us, your readers, your thoughts on the leaked Erin Andrews video that was out on the net.
Jim in Denver

A: I'll look at this from 2 sides.....rational human being......and giant horndog.....1st the rational.

Rational mans thoughts: Is it not weird that some websites like deadspin that usually have no problem objectifying EA's hotness when shes wearing clothes were outraged when this video came out? It's like the sideline princess was their innocent hot friend who happened to be female. She was nice, somewhat funny, and very beautiful. There's a little sister complex there, but at the same time you wanna be that guy. When she starts dating a guy you don't know....what else is your reaction going to be but WHAT! WHO THE FUCK!? Besides that, it is fucking creepy to put a camera in someones hotel room.

Giant horndogs second by second thoughts:

0:01- COOOOCCCCHHH!

0:02- MOVE YOU HANDS!

0:03- HOLY SHIT IT IS HER!

0:04- ITS.....SOOOO....BRIGHT!

0:05- THIS IS GETTING DISSAPOINTING!

0:06- HEY COMEBACK!

(goes to youporn)

Q: Will Coley White always be compared to Pat and if he isn't as good as Pat will he flame out like Marcus Vick?

Julian in Martinsburg

A: Yes, in everyway possible Coley will be compared to Pat. The one advantage he has is that, since we have Jarrett Brown nothing is needed of him this year. As for flaming out, I think he'll be more of a Dan McGwire type. Professonal level player, just terrible. To flame out as bad as Marcus, Coley would need to catch his entire body on fire with just a bong.

Q: Do you think Brett Favre will make his second non-Packers comeback with the Vikings?

Jim in Denver

A: I think the answer is ofcourse, he just doesn't want to go through training camp, like every other fucking NFL player does. Although wouldn't it be great if on July 31st he just announced ''You know what it was fun leading ESPN on this wild goose chase that whole time, Eric Mangini sucked the desire to play football out of me like I was a jelly donut or Bill Belicheck's cock. Consider yourselves owned.''

Q: Do you think Travis Henry should be required to pay his millions of dollars in child support even though he's not in the NFL anymore and will TLC ever air a show called ''Travis Henry + 11''?

Matt in Hedgesville

A: I think men should be able to spread their seed as they please, without consequence. Travis Henry wasn't the one that got pregnant. As for ''Travis Henry + 11'' I could definately see that airing between ''True Life: I love auto-erotica'' and ''Dr. Drews 14 year old meth heads'' on ''channel 666- The Hell Network'' someday

Q:How can Ravens fans talk shit on the Steelers after losing not once....not twice but THREE TIMES to the Super Bowl champions of the world?

Jules from Pittsburgh

A: Our main gripe with Steeler fans is not the fact that you beat us 3 times last year. Honestly I would've been shocked had we gone into Pittsburgh with a rookie QB and won. It really has nothing to do with on the field play. If the Ravens are not playing I will watch the Steelers because it's the same style of football. I have 2 problems with Steeler fans. 1st is the blind faith. Ben Roethlisberger is essentially the evolution of Phil Simms. He asked not to lose games, keep drives going, and win. He's very good at that, but he just isn't a top tier QB. My 2nd and much bigger problem is the bandwagon jumping. Listen I get it, in the area we live in theres going to be a ton Steelers fans. But my god, it was like after the Red Sox won in 2004 last year, every dueche bag on campus was wearing his ''7'' jersey and talking about how good a receiver ''Hank Ward'' is. Plus it's the NFL, nothing says the roles won't be reversed this year. GO RAVENS!

Last Call

Last Call for mailbag questions.....

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Dallas Cowboys

(Jealous of Romo's friendship with his Tight End, Jessica Simpson eats Jason Witten!)

Offensive Outlook: This team will only go as far as Tony Romo can take them. On the surface this offense has a ton weapons, but still needs to establish a threat opposite Roy Williams, who is also a question mark.

Defensive Outlook: The Cowboys have a awesome front 7. The 3 solid pluggers on the line and 4 playmakers at linebacker will carry the defense. These 7 cannot help the shittyness that is the Dallas secondary.

Off-season: T.O. , Greg Ellis, and Jessica Simpson are out. Twelve 2nd day draft choices are in-all of whom suck. Wade Phillips is still the head coach, presumably so Jerry Jones can stress him into a heart attack.

Predictions:

JS: 8-8

BS: 9-7

32 Teams in 16 Daze- St. Louis Rams

(Where the fuck did all of this go?)

Offense: The Rams used to have one of the top offenses in the game. Even a few years ago it was good enough to get them into the playoffs. Marc Bulger will be the QB for probably one more year. When he has an offensive line to protect him, he is a great QB. But nobody can throw the ball from their back, unless you are Ben Roethlisberger in Vegas being ridden by some crazy woman. Anyways, Stephen Jackson is great, when he isn't injured. They still need a #1 receiver as Donnie Avery isn't a clear #1.

Defense: The Rams have a convicted murderer on their team as well as some other choice players.(Editors Note: I think Leonard Little is in for a killer season.) The defense is pretty good if you ask me, but when a defense is on the field for 40 minutes per game, they wont be that good.

Offseason: If one of your key offseason additions is Kyle Boller, you didn't have a great offseason. The one good move that they made is drafting Jason Smith. He could be the real deal.

Overall: The Rams are heading in a good direction, but they still have a ways to go. They can compete this year if the injury bug doesn't hit them like it has the last few years.

Predictions:

BS: 5-11

JS: 6-10