DRUNKEN THOUGHTS 8/8/09

(In an effort to prove im good in any condition, heres my drunken thoughts.

Fuck Peter King.)

- I think Michael Crabtree is only holding out because hes a pussy.

- I think any beer pong shot ''off the dick'' is hilarious.

- I think that we need to get rolling on the nfl previews again soon,

- I think blogging would be a great career if it paid better.

- I think radio is the right career choice for me, I never shut up.

- I think the Nationals are headed in the right direction.

- I think Stephen Strasburg has more bust potential than a 1st wet dream.

-I think I will retract that statment from the record if he does sign with the Nats.

-I think drunkenly drinking a 5hr energy drink instead of just passing out was a bad idea, but not like the kind of bad idea that results in an abortion.

I think i'll go play video games now.

(masturbates furiously)

A special message from......SHARK

Whats up muther fuckers! Goddamn im drunk! You know why im drunk? You better know why! ITS MUTHER FUCKIN SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been drinkin Land Shark and hittin every piece of sweet shark pussy thats come my way!

(Eats semi-attractive teenager)

So out of the kindness of my heart, and to promote my mouther-fuckin week, i've decided to promote this blog for Stu. He'll be back when......well I actually dunno when he'll be back, prolly some time after mother fucking SHARK WEEK! RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Seasons Dunn- What the Nationals should do at the trade deadline

(Im about to do Stan Kasten's job for him.)

So the Nats won today. Wooooo! Win #30! Bring out the coke and strippers! Having reached that tragically tough to attain total, I have a message for Nationals Team President Stan Kasten-

BURN THIS MOTHER-FUCKER TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!

I know, this may seem irrational, childish, and incredibly short-sighted- but it needs to be done. Don't worry Stan, you don't need to leave the office. I'll do the scouting. I'll bring you the ideas. Just fucking do it, before im forced to run on the field and get physical with Mike McDougal.

1. Trade OF Josh Willingham to the Reds for LHP Daniel Herrera and RHP Homer Bailey.

Yes, I know Willingham is having a breakout season, but everytime he comes up in an important spot, he chokes. He will never be more coveted, especially by the OF needy Reds. Herrera(2.97 ERA) has been solid out of the pen, and Bailey is former highly regarded prospect who the Reds have given up on.

2. Trade OF Austin Kearns to the Cubs, Cubs trade OF Milton Bradley to the Tigers, Tigers trade LHP Mauricio Robles to the Nationals.

Kearns is expensive and terrible, but a all-around good guy. Bradley is expensive, slightly less terrible, and a complete headcase. But the Tigers are fucking desperate. Who the fuck is Robles you ask? A 20 yr old left handed starter thats been decent in High-A ball. I would say thats a good haul for a guy hitting .196.

3. Trade OF Adam Dunn and LHP Joe Beimel to the Yankees for RHP's Phil Hughes,Ian Kennedy, Andrew Brackman, and C Francisco Cervelli.

The Yankees will be, as usual, aggressive at the deadline. Dunn was made to play in ''The House that Roids Built.'' Beimel will give NY a 2nd lefty in the pen'. As for the Nats haul, Hughes has started to put things together out of the pen, Kennedy was terrible when called up last year but has been dominating AAA, Brackman has been terrible in low-A ball but is a former #1 draft choice with a 99mph heater. Cervelli is a decent catcher prospect.

4. Trade 1B Nick Johnson and SS Cristian Guzman to the Red Sox for RHP's Justin Masterson and Daniel Bard, LHP Dustin Richardson, and 1B Lars Anderson.

The Red Sox have already been active, acquiring Chris Duncan and Adam LaRoche, 2 guys who both hit left handed and play 1st base. That said, Nick Johnson's a major upgrade. Cristian Guzman will fill the Sox long standing hole at SS. On the Nats side of things, Masterson's a solid righty who would get a chance to start in Washington. Bard throws 100 and looks like a future closer. Richardson is a set-up prospect putting up good #s at AA. Anderson projects as a future ''.280 35hr''-type hitter.

5. Trade UTIL Willie Harris and LHP Ron Villone to the Rays for SS Reid Brignac and LHP Darin Downs.

Harris and Villone are 2 guys that, while helpful to contenders, are pretty useless to a young team like the Nats. Brignac might never be an All-Star, but could hit .280 with solid D. Downs has been good in High-A ball.

Today, I am the greatest of all-time-

Rickey Henderson

July Mailbag....Riding Down the Road to Glory

(This road is also white, moist, and hairless)

Jesus Tits has shit gone down this month. Apparently my blog is read by more than.....me. Steve McNair was tragically killed on the 4th of July, Oscar Mayer died, Erin Andrews was found all nekkid on the internet, and someone made the wild allegation that Ben Roethlisberger knows how to use his dick. There are many questions to be answered, and while i'm probably not the guy who should be answering them, fuck it I will anyway.

Q: Give us, your readers, your thoughts on the leaked Erin Andrews video that was out on the net.
Jim in Denver

A: I'll look at this from 2 sides.....rational human being......and giant horndog.....1st the rational.

Rational mans thoughts: Is it not weird that some websites like deadspin that usually have no problem objectifying EA's hotness when shes wearing clothes were outraged when this video came out? It's like the sideline princess was their innocent hot friend who happened to be female. She was nice, somewhat funny, and very beautiful. There's a little sister complex there, but at the same time you wanna be that guy. When she starts dating a guy you don't know....what else is your reaction going to be but WHAT! WHO THE FUCK!? Besides that, it is fucking creepy to put a camera in someones hotel room.

Giant horndogs second by second thoughts:

0:01- COOOOCCCCHHH!

0:02- MOVE YOU HANDS!

0:03- HOLY SHIT IT IS HER!

0:04- ITS.....SOOOO....BRIGHT!

0:05- THIS IS GETTING DISSAPOINTING!

0:06- HEY COMEBACK!

(goes to youporn)

Q: Will Coley White always be compared to Pat and if he isn't as good as Pat will he flame out like Marcus Vick?

Julian in Martinsburg

A: Yes, in everyway possible Coley will be compared to Pat. The one advantage he has is that, since we have Jarrett Brown nothing is needed of him this year. As for flaming out, I think he'll be more of a Dan McGwire type. Professonal level player, just terrible. To flame out as bad as Marcus, Coley would need to catch his entire body on fire with just a bong.

Q: Do you think Brett Favre will make his second non-Packers comeback with the Vikings?

Jim in Denver

A: I think the answer is ofcourse, he just doesn't want to go through training camp, like every other fucking NFL player does. Although wouldn't it be great if on July 31st he just announced ''You know what it was fun leading ESPN on this wild goose chase that whole time, Eric Mangini sucked the desire to play football out of me like I was a jelly donut or Bill Belicheck's cock. Consider yourselves owned.''

Q: Do you think Travis Henry should be required to pay his millions of dollars in child support even though he's not in the NFL anymore and will TLC ever air a show called ''Travis Henry + 11''?

Matt in Hedgesville

A: I think men should be able to spread their seed as they please, without consequence. Travis Henry wasn't the one that got pregnant. As for ''Travis Henry + 11'' I could definately see that airing between ''True Life: I love auto-erotica'' and ''Dr. Drews 14 year old meth heads'' on ''channel 666- The Hell Network'' someday

Q:How can Ravens fans talk shit on the Steelers after losing not once....not twice but THREE TIMES to the Super Bowl champions of the world?

Jules from Pittsburgh

A: Our main gripe with Steeler fans is not the fact that you beat us 3 times last year. Honestly I would've been shocked had we gone into Pittsburgh with a rookie QB and won. It really has nothing to do with on the field play. If the Ravens are not playing I will watch the Steelers because it's the same style of football. I have 2 problems with Steeler fans. 1st is the blind faith. Ben Roethlisberger is essentially the evolution of Phil Simms. He asked not to lose games, keep drives going, and win. He's very good at that, but he just isn't a top tier QB. My 2nd and much bigger problem is the bandwagon jumping. Listen I get it, in the area we live in theres going to be a ton Steelers fans. But my god, it was like after the Red Sox won in 2004 last year, every dueche bag on campus was wearing his ''7'' jersey and talking about how good a receiver ''Hank Ward'' is. Plus it's the NFL, nothing says the roles won't be reversed this year. GO RAVENS!

Last Call

Last Call for mailbag questions.....

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Dallas Cowboys

(Jealous of Romo's friendship with his Tight End, Jessica Simpson eats Jason Witten!)

Offensive Outlook: This team will only go as far as Tony Romo can take them. On the surface this offense has a ton weapons, but still needs to establish a threat opposite Roy Williams, who is also a question mark.

Defensive Outlook: The Cowboys have a awesome front 7. The 3 solid pluggers on the line and 4 playmakers at linebacker will carry the defense. These 7 cannot help the shittyness that is the Dallas secondary.

Off-season: T.O. , Greg Ellis, and Jessica Simpson are out. Twelve 2nd day draft choices are in-all of whom suck. Wade Phillips is still the head coach, presumably so Jerry Jones can stress him into a heart attack.

Predictions:

JS: 8-8

BS: 9-7

32 Teams in 16 Daze- St. Louis Rams

(Where the fuck did all of this go?)

Offense: The Rams used to have one of the top offenses in the game. Even a few years ago it was good enough to get them into the playoffs. Marc Bulger will be the QB for probably one more year. When he has an offensive line to protect him, he is a great QB. But nobody can throw the ball from their back, unless you are Ben Roethlisberger in Vegas being ridden by some crazy woman. Anyways, Stephen Jackson is great, when he isn't injured. They still need a #1 receiver as Donnie Avery isn't a clear #1.

Defense: The Rams have a convicted murderer on their team as well as some other choice players.(Editors Note: I think Leonard Little is in for a killer season.) The defense is pretty good if you ask me, but when a defense is on the field for 40 minutes per game, they wont be that good.

Offseason: If one of your key offseason additions is Kyle Boller, you didn't have a great offseason. The one good move that they made is drafting Jason Smith. He could be the real deal.

Overall: The Rams are heading in a good direction, but they still have a ways to go. They can compete this year if the injury bug doesn't hit them like it has the last few years.

Predictions:

BS: 5-11

JS: 6-10

A special message from ESPN Czar Norby Williamson

Hello blog reader! I'm Norby Williamson, the guy responsible for all the fantastic, family friendly programming at ESPN! We here at ESPN are happy to announce that we are now covering this Ben Roethlisberger situation. We even were able to plug one of our shows in the announcement. GO DISNEY! In other news since John Clayton and Mort' were unable to read the A.P. story about these terrible accusations, we had to hire the Stus for a day to read it. So no mean spirited, potty mouthed posts today! YAYYY!

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Oakland Raiders

( No Caption Needed)

Offensive Outlook: I would like to reference something I said before JaMarcus Russell became the No. 1 overall draft choice a few years ago. ''HE FUCKING SUCKS!'' I spoke in all caps back then, and even as a older more mature football fan I still believe he fucking sucks. For the Raiders to have any chance this year, they are going to have to give 250 carries each to Darren McFadden, Justin Fargas, and Michael Bush.

Defensive Outlook: The Raiders are incredibly solid in the front 7. Burress and Kelly are potential Pro Bowlers. They only have 3/4th of a secondary.

Offseason: The reason they have 3/4th of a secondary, because in the 2nd round they decided to select a safety(Michael Mitchell) who would've been lucky to even be drafted. The Darrius Heyward-Bey selection in the 1st round was almost as atrocious. Jeff Garcia was brought in to attract the ''bald elf lovers'' demographic.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 2-14

32 Teams in 16 Daze- San Francisco 49ers

(not pictured:talent)

Offense: Mike Martz really fucked this team over last season by going with his happy go lucky shoot myself in the foot offense. This year though, someone actually knows the talent that is on the team. With Shaun Hill playing don't screw up football, I think this team could do some damage, they have a great though often injured RB in Frank Gore, they have talented receivers, and they have an athletic "soldier like" TE in Vernon Davis. ( Does anyone else think he looks like Ahmed Johnson?)

Defense: Their defense is average. I think they will be able to get enough stops. Patrick Willis is a beast and their strength is stopping the run.

offseason: They had a good draft and got a great steal in future all world wide out Michael Crabtree.

Overall: I think that the 49ers get just enough defensive support to help their offense and win enough games. Plus, they get the NFC North and the AFC South this year. So anything is possible.

Predictions:

BS: 9-7

JS: 11-5

Weighing in on Erin Andrews, Ben's Lawsuit and ESPN proving it leads nothing.

(This could get ugly)

I'll start with Erin Andrews-the sideline princess, for those of you who are unawhere or female, was in a 6 second nude video. A pervert used some wiring system to video tape her. I'll let you guys do your own sleuthing for now, as I don't want to step on this weekends mailbag(PLUG!).

Last night, as I was making one last sweep of the intrawebs I stumbled half awake upon this message on Twitter: ''Ben Roethlisberger accused of sexual assualt.'' My reaction-

HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm woken up immediately, my 1st thought, and im proud of this part -was that a rich, popular professional athlete POSSIBLY took advantage of an innocent woman. It was the same reaction I had when I heard about Kobe Bryant's legal issue a few years back. My 2nd reaction, well.....

SUSPEND THIS MOTHER-FUCKER!

FUCK THE STEELERS!

GO RAVENS!

WOOOOOOOOO!

In other words, these things are touchy legal issues, with many large words I don't understand. http://profootballtalk.com is all over this one, check out the latest there.

Now this story is not just blog rumors, NBC now owns PFT, which is a pretty credible source. The AP has picked up the story. This is a legitimate news story. Yet one once poweful source of breaking news is mum on the issue.......ESPN. Why? Well there are many theories, the 1st 2 sources to report this story are noted ESPN enemies(Deadspin and PFT). Ben Roethlisberger is an ESPN favorite. ESPN could be still trying to make a story out of the horrible Steve McNair murder-suicide,(HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DRUNK WHEN HE WAS LYING ON THE COUCH!) and just didn't have time to cover it. The real answer? I don't know. But the fact that as of this post(a lil after 7pm eastern time) ESPN has NOTHING(!) on their website or TV programming. ESPN......U SUCK!

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Denver Broncos

(Oh this is gunna be good!)

Offensive Outlook: Oh how things have changed.....OUT: The Best Young QB in football.....IN: The mother fucking NeckBeard! Yes, ladies and gentlemen the tune has changed at the QB position in Denver. From AFI to ZZ Top. From Donnie Darko to a Hardcore Porno. From a wrist cutting diabetic so naturally talented he almost took Vanderbilt to a bowl game in college, to a Jack Daniels chugging..... co-ed fucking..... throws like a girl Purdue alum, who only attended that school because ''Boilermakers'' were the reason for his conception. Enjoy Denver while you can......you just traded for the John Belushi of QB's.

Defensive Outlook: Hey Denver, guess who the next team is that will blindly attempt to switch to the 3-4? That's right YOU! Enjoy watching Robert Ayers try to cover Antonio Gates, and hey if you need a nose tackle i've heard Dusty Rhodes is available, hes fat!

Offseason: HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT.......this was a cluster-fuck I cannot even describe. Josh McDaniels comes in and decides, ''You know what I have a team that has a great offense and a defense that is a few players away.......LET'S BURN THIS FUCKER TO THE GROUND.....HEY, CUTLER......YOU SULKING FUCK!.....FUCK YOU!......I WON WITH MATT FUCKING CASSELL.....I CAN WIN WITH A QB WHO IS LEGALLY RETARDED!''.....and if that wasn't enough Brandon Marshall, a man(uses term loosely) who once fell through a tv while eating McDonalds, is still around and unhappy and ''disrespected'' as ever. They only way this can get worse is if 1st rounder Knowshon Moreno fathers 12 children and traffics blow to pay for it! I'd almost feel bad for Eddie Royal, if he hadn't gone to Virginia Tech.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 3-13

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Arizona Cardinals

(not pictured: roofies)

Offense: The 2nd best passing attack in the NFL, however it is offset by the complete lack of a running game. The addition of Beanie Wells should help. However, I believe that drafting someone with a nickname of Beanie is bound for some problems. Larry Fitzgerald will make up for Anquan Boldin playing like a little bitch because he didn’t get traded. Kurt Warner will still be old, Brenda Warner will once again be hot, and Matt Linehart will be bonging beers on the sideline.

Defense: The Cardinals don’t have an impressive D-line or linebackers, and the secondary isn’t that great either. Every game will be a shoot out, unless the are playing the Rams.

Overall: I see the Cardinals finishing 2nd in their division this year. They got on a hot streak in the playoffs after sucking....... no...... blowing....... no...... inhaling a dick to finish the regular season. It wont happen again.

Predictions:

BS: 8-8

JS: 8-8

32 Teams in 16 Daze- San Diego Chargers

(BAXTER!)

Offensive Outlook: They have Philip Rivers, who is either a great QB, or just a game-manager. This will be his 6th year in the NFL, and we still arn't sure which he is. LT is just getting old, very, very old. I dunno if he gets 1,500 yards this year or the bottom just drops out. The Bolts wide outs are a mixed bag of the physically dominant Vincent Jackson and a bunch of other guys. Antonio Gates is in Toby Keith ''I ain't as good as I once was, But i'm as good once as i'll ever be'' stage of his career. I promise i'll never reference Toby Keith again.

Defensive Outlook: The Chargers' have a physically dominant D-Line, led by massive NT Jammal Williams. The linebackers are srong and quick on the outside and solid tacklers in the middle. The DB's, led by Antonio Cromartie are very good.

Offseason: San Diego didn't do much in the off-season, mainly because they didn't have to. Their big additions were 1st round OLB Larry English and 4th round NT Vaughn Martin, but those guys will just be injury insurance this year. Norv Turner is still in charge, so that will hold them back. Go fuck yourself San Diego!

Predictions:

JS: 11-5

BS: 12-4

15 Observations from going to a Nationals game

1. 
   
   Was throughly entertained once we got on the metro by 2 guys that thought they were Jason Whitlock and Michael Wilbon.....except they spoke ebonics.

2. Homeless(assumeing) black guy smelling of booze, singing hymns on the metro....we tryed not to laugh and failed miserably.

3. They metro is scary.

4. Fuck theres alot of Cubs fans here.

5. Nationals park is very nice.

6. But not nice enough for me to spend 40.00 on a hat.

7. But 12$ on a pair of sunglasses seemed good.

8. So the highlight of the night- myself, Matt, and Combsie are standing near where the Nats pre-game show is filmed....Johnnie Holliday is there looking very professional and elf-like.....5 mins til 6 and Ray Knight is nowhere to be found.....I start cracking the Ray Knight jokes quicker than you can say ''back,back,back,back''....then all of a sudden....I feel someone coming from behind me.....and then I see him......HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKER RAY KNIGHT CAME WITHIN A HALF INCH OF CLOTHESLINEING ME! OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDD! My mind is raceing.....1st of all hes huge....much bigger than I thought he was(thats what she said)......Did someone link him my blog?.....Is he going to punch me?....Will he atleast ask me who Skip is 1st?.....Im stunned....Fucking stunned for atleast 2mins.....I see him goofily hugging some elderly gentlemen who probably wondered why the Bill Clinton impersonator was hugging him.....then it hit me what happened....He can't wave and walk at the same and almost ran into me.....Holy Fucking Shit.

9. I have a secret for you.....listen closely....a ''Nats Dog'' is just a plain hotdog.

10. / Buys 7.50$ beer

11. Lil kid that looks like ''Ronnie'' from Role Models sang the National Anthem, was very, very good.

12. Jesus Tits theres alot of Cubs fans here.

13. Jordan Zimmerman is going to be very good when they actually let him throw more than 90 pitches.

14. Ryan Zimmerman is ''With Leather''

15. Milton Bradley sucks.....at life.

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Seattle Seahawks

(not pictured: Starbucks and Nirvana's greatest hits album)

Offense: The Seahawks have been one of the better offenses in years past. But, ever since Matt Hasslebeck said "we want the ball, we're going to score!" and then completely boned the game, I have little faith in this team. Normally a great passing team, but when Seneca Wallace is your team's highest rated QB, something is wrong no matter if you have TJ HOusdksfkdsjdnbldskjhdsfhlkjdhflsk or not. If I were them, I would run the ball more. (Editors note: Running Backs suck too.)

Defense: They have a good defense lead by linebackers Julian Peterson and Lofa Tatupu. Any time that you can have a great and angry samoan on your team, then things are going to be good.

offseason: The Hawks stole Aaron Curry and signed TJ Hougddfkljhdanfs,mhsadflkdddnflds in the offseason. pretty good offseason if you ask me.

Predictions:

BS: 4-12

JS: 3-13

We're coming.....

Due to lack of sleep, NCAA Football 2010 addiction, and myself attending a Nationals game on Saturday, we'll be back Sunday.....Make it rain this weekend!

A special message from the Stu's.

(Viagras one hell of a drug!!)

Were taking the day off from footblogging to play NCAA 2010's ''Road to Glory with Erin Andrews.'' My personal road will end in me waking up late for work tomorrow, stuck to my bed. The team previews will resume tomorrow, as dick jokey and mildly racist as ever.

32 Teams in 16 Daze- New Orleans Saints

(Your moms a Saints fan)

Offensive outlook: The Saints have the most exciting offense in football. With Drew Brees, Marques Colston, #1 Running Back ''lucky'' Pierre Thomas and # 2 Running Back Reggie ''My girlfriend got harpooned on a sex tape and I suck at football'' Bush.....the Saints will put up huge numbers.

Defensive outlook: The D-line, with ends Will Smith and Charles Grant, and the 3 DT rotation of Sedrick Ellis, Kendrick Clancy and Rob Coleman, is pretty fucking good. The linebackers are not flashy but make the tackle. However, the secondary is absolute horseshit, Jason David couldn't cover Billy Mays.

Offseason: The Saints had a mixed bag of an offseason. Bush continued banging Kim Kardashian, Lance Moore re-signed, and they drafted Ohio St. CB Malcom Jenkins, who may be able to cover someone. However not enough reinforcements were brought in for the secondary and Jeremy Shockey had to be hospitalized after getting shit-faced in Vegas. No floods though!

Predictions:

JS: 13-3

BS: 11-5

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Minnesota Vikings

(not pictured: a big black dildo from the love cruise)

For as long as I live, I will remember two things about the Minnesota Vikings: The Love Cruise and Randy Moss. The Love Cruise is one of those moments where I wish I could have been there, just to see Fred Smoot, dildo in hand....... double penetrating two strippers with a smile on his face yelling "Lets get freaky you bitches!" Anyways, on to the preview......

Offensive Outlook: They have Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus who after having a spectacular but quiet college career, has emerged into the top running back in the league. He gets his touches and will carry this team. They now have Jackson and Sage Rosenfels as their QB's so instead of talking about receivers, i'm going to talk about Peterson more because he is their offense. Did i mention that he can go between the tackles just as much as outside?

Defensive outlook: They have the fat Williams twins, crazy fuck Jared Allen, and a very good secondary. The linebackers aren't spectacular but they make their fair share of plays.

Offseason: Brittfarrrrr is coming to 'Sota????? The only other big move is drafting Percy Harvin, a wr,rb,kick returner. he's fast. Thats about all i can say.

Predictions:

BS: 11-5
JS: 9-7

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Atlanta Falcons

(Atleast she wasn't wearing dog ears)

Offensive outlook: Matt Ryan doesn't kill dogs, so thats a step up. Michael Turner reminds some of a faster, less coked up version of Jamal Anderson, also a good thing. The O-line is lacking in stars but is solid.

Defensive outlook: They've got an undersized d-line, small linebackers and a safety whose last name is ''Fudge''.....I wish he was a Packer!

Offseason: Falcons GM Thomas Dimitoff got some shit done this offseason! Here was his check list....

1. Find a TE.

Tony Gonzalez

2. Beef up the interior D-line

(1st-round pick) Peria Jerry

3. Find a safety not named ''Fudge''.

(2nd-round pick) William Moore

4. Cut all Felons

Good bye Ron Mexico.....good bye......

Predictions

JS: 9-7

BS: 10-6

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Chicago Bears

(not pictured: Cutler's insulin shots)

Offensive outlook: Well as much as I would like to see this trade work out, its not going to. Matt Forte is a beast. He not only can carry the ball and do well, but he can catch the ball out of the backfield. Thats about all they have though. Jay Cutler has a good arm but he can't win big games. and when your star receiver is a converted punt returner, you are fucked.

Defensive outlook: The Bears always have a pretty good defense. But Urlacher is getting old, real old, like old as shit.

Offseason: The Bears made a big gamble in trading for Jay Cutler. Jay Cutler then proceeded to not bitch about the trade and drown in his sorrows all offseason. This isn't good for possibly the most famous diabetic in professional sports.

Predictions:

BS: 7-9
JS: 10-6

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Detroit Lions

(not pictured: guns that were used to take their own lives)

Offensive Outlook: Well the QB battle goes between Daunte Culpepper and Matthew Stafford. Im praying that Stafford plays just to see him get knocked on his ass a lot. The only bright spot that the Lions have is Calvin Johnson, who every day marks another day off of his calendar til when he becomes a free agent and gets out of football hell aka Detroit.

Defense: Did you know that as a team last year, the Lions only got 4 interceptions? i mean 4! You could sit Ethan Albright in the secondary and he would get more interceptions. I honestly can't name one defensive player on the Lions without looking. So in other words, they are in for some trouble.

Offseason: Well after last season's 0-16 debacle, the Lions still proved that they suck by drafting Matthew "i love to press kegs over my head, but thats all i'm good for" Stafford.

Predictions:

BS: 3-13(for the next 10 years)

JS: 3-13(forever)

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Carolina Panthers

(This picture just screams ''meth head''.)

Offensive outlook: The Panthers will run. They have a conservative coach and a team built for 40 plus runs a game. Oh and their QB is still Jake Delhomme, who is very shitty. Steve Smith will still carry the passing game when Delhommes not throwing TAINTs.

Defensive outlook: This defense starts with the linebackers. Jon Beason is one of the best in the game, while Thomas Davis emerging on the strongside. Julius Peppers will either be pouting about his lack of a contract extension or be playing like a man possessed for a new one. The secondary is just OK.

Offseason: The Panthers really didn't bring in anyone of note in free agency. Their biggest contributers draft-wise were Everette Brown, an undersized Defensive End and Tony Fiametta who could become the starting fullback. EXCITING!

Predictions:

JS: 6-10

BS: 8-8

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Tampa Bay Bucs

(Not pictured: A player worthy of a 1st round pick)

Offensive outlook: The Bucs offense is full of question marks this year. Can Josh Freeman start right away? Is Derrick Ward this years Michael Turner? Is Antonio Bryant a #1 WR? Can the o-line hold up? Is Kellen Winslow still ''a fucking soldier'' or the NFLs version of Tracy McGrady? I see more no's than yes's in there and this offense could really struggle.

Defensive Outlook: Holy Shit this is a mess! Gaines Adams showed flashes last year with 6.5 sacks, but with Derrick Brooks gone this team will struggle to get the big turnovers that were their trademark. The secondary is just ''ok'' and will be torched by Brees twice a year.

Offseason: New coach, new QB, new TE but no replacement for Brooks and they failed to address the #2 Wr position. This team draws the NFC AND AFC EAST this year and could hit rock bottom.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 4-12

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Green Bay Packers

(not pictured: Green dildo with ''4'' painted on it)

Offensive outlook: I really think that Aaron Rodgers is not the long term answer at QB for the Packers. However he will do for now. Behind Ryan Grant, who averaged almost 4 yards per carry and with two 1000 yard receivers, the Packers should be able to score around 20-24 points per game.

Defensive outlook: They have Aaron Kampman and AJ Hawk. But an average secondary. I think that this is really where the Packers will struggle. They are normally a good defensive team, but with trying to transition to the 3-4, its going to be a long year for the packers.

Offseason: “Britt Far might go to the Vikings? Ah well we still love him!” this was the offseason for Packers fans, doing nothing but worrying about where a washed up former frnachise player will go. In the draft, the Packers took everyday pot smoker BJ. Raji, that name even sounds like a Rastafarian pot dealer. Anyways, they didn’t have any other significant moves, other than worrying about Britt Far and where he will be playing.

Predictions:

BS: 7-9

JS: 8-8

A special message from Suspended NFL Wide Reciever/Murderer Dante Stallworth!

(Looks into wrong camera)

Whats up white people. This is Dante Stallworth here. I normaly wouldn't promote blogs, but since I did just kill a guy, Nike isn't exactly calling. Anyways today I'd like to tell you that starting today, Stuonshit will begin featuring previews of every NFL team! Even the Lions!

I'm Now Taking Questions.....Mark D. Edition

(Pictured Mark D. in 10 years)

I like the fact that my friends seem to think im a comedy wizard. Its much better than them thinking im a self-depriciating fat-ass who shoulda flunked out of college by now. One reader took it upon himself to send me several questions to get my Yoda-like take on. If you have any important questions you need answered...send them to me.

Q:Who hates there job more.... Ray Knight, who does the pre-post game show and has to try to put a spin on how(not) fucking horrible the Nationals are or Rob Dibble who actually has to do the play by play and watch that shit live and try not to kill himself?

A: This is a tough one, I watch the post-game for Ray Knights incredibly professional and in-depth commentary. I would have to say Dibble. To quote my youngest brother, (who watches no baseball and may be adopted) after seeing Dibble on T.V.......''He looks divorced.''

Q: Who had the best Mustache in the 1980's in the Major Leagues? There are so many to pick from Rollie Fingers to Keith "Majic Luggie" Hernadez. I just want your two cents on it.

A: This came from Keith Hernandez's Wikipedia page. ''Hernandez admitted that he never wore eyeblack while playing because he had high cheekbones. Hernandez felt his mustache reduced glare thereby eliminating the need for eyeblack.'' So yea, Hernandez's coke filled mustache takes the cake.

Q:Shaq or Michael Jordan? Who had the better movie? Space Jam or Kazam?

A: Oh it isn't even close. Space Jam was in my summer movie rotation for a few years. I think the real question is who was the better co-star, Patrick Ewing or Da Brat?

(Speaking of Space Jam, shouldn't this movie be re-made now? LeBron in the MJ role. Ron Artest, Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson, Dirk Nowitski, and Yao Ming in the roles of Barkley, Ewing, Bogues, Johnson, and Shawn Bradley. Comedic Gold!)

Q: Who is the better Rapper? Shaq or Ron Artest? (You can not hold the free style Kobe hows my ass taste against him either).

A: Hold it against him? In my book giving us the line ''Hows my ass taste!'', for video game shit-talking puts Shaq ahead.

Q: If you could adapt a moment is sports where fighting occured(minus boxing) and make it a WWE finishing move what would it be.1) Nolan Ryan head lock beating Robby V's ass) Ron Artest chair throw?3) Bill Lambeeer! Just Bill Lambeer in general in the late 80's.)Tanya Kitaen beating up Chuck Finley in the late 90's 5) Last but not least Sir Charles throwing a cop threw a window.

A: Artests chair throw is the only thing that could keep the Undertaker down, however each of these remind me of a particular wrestling moment.

1) Ric Flair's trademark Headlock and Punch....WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

2) Sabus trademark chair throw.

3) Mick Foley in the 90's.

4. The night Chyna beat HHH on RAW.

5. Shawn Michaels super-kicking Marty Jannetty through a window on an episode of ''The Barber Shop.''

Evil Skip is Watching Ray Knight While Ray Knight Watches You Masturbate!

(Looks into wrong camera)








(Attacks Ray Knight)

An Unforgivable Conversation

''All great things must come to an end, otherwise they wouldn't end.....or someone could graduate.''

-Me

What follows is an email conversation between myself and fellow WVU Student/dick joke conoisseur Billy Stewart. Hope it causes you to possibly think amongst the haze of beer.

JS: So i've heard that WVU football is going to be fucked this year without Pat White. Quick question......How many National Titles did he ever win? The answer's zero. I know we are only ''WVU'' and our alumni only strived for top-10 status, but fuck that bronze medal shit, this isn't the Special fucking Olympics this is major college football. So heres the question I pose to you? Did Pat White, despite his record setting stats, undefeated bowl record, and immense popularity, hinder our teams chance to WIN big games? Was he really our best chance to not just put up big stats in 40 point rapeings of Syracuse, but to beat the best teams in close games?

BS: Ok here it goes, in order to do this we have to examine this in 2 very distinct eras. You have the Rich Rod era and the Bill Stewart era. i'm going to give the pro's and con's to both eras for Pat playing.

Rich Rod era-pro's for pat playing- with the zone read, you had he and Steve Slaton in the backfield. Steve was a big enough back who if he had to, he could run someone over. Defenses were already gearing up for the run since we ran the ball 80% of the time, but with Pat at QB, they couldn't gear up for semi fast white guy(Owen Schmitt) to run, they had to gear up for someone at QB who was not only fast, but was shifty. Pat White could change directions on a dime and that is what made him so elusive. Also, since most of our passes were screens, pat had a hell of an arm that could get the ball out fast to our speedy playmakers.

Con's for Pat playing- Pat was relied upon so much that when he would get injured then nobody knew what to do. I blame this partly on the scheme that was used. WVU used the zone read way too much, sometimes as much as 75% during offensive drives. Because of Pat having to run the ball so much, as well as the lack of downfield plays, he was relied upon to make plays. Pat on a good day stands in around 6'1 185 pounds, which is light for a scat back like Noel Devine, let alone a QB who takes hits. Pat took too many hits and when he would get injured, Jarrett Brown didn't have too much of a chance. Once again this can be blamed on the scheme. Second point for the con's during the Rich Rod era- WVU won a lot of games during the 3 years that Pat White played under rich rod, the majority of these games that were won were blowouts, yet Pat White played late into games. Jarrett Brown was a competent backup but did not receive near the amount of snaps that could have made things go well for him.

Bill Stewart era-pro's for Pat playing- Pat started to come into his own as a true QB with the help of Jeff Mullen. As much as people were on Mullen's ass, think about where Pat would be if not for him. Pat helped WVU during this transitional time because when plays broke down downfield, Pat could go into "fuck you i'm Pat White and faster than you" mode and just outrun everyone. For reference to this mode, look at some plays from the 2008 uconn game when Pat ran around and then broke into daylight. Look at the now infamous play against louisville where Pat had a 60+ yard run to win the game. Pat White gave us the best chance to win last year. with the help of a more balanced offense, Pat White was by far the best option as our QB. But just for fun, here are the...

con's for Pat playing- Bill Stewart's first full season and Pat White's last season coincided. WVU did not have the expectations to honestly have an opportunity to play for the BCS title last year. Jarret Brown should have played more at QB instead of fullback like he did. Jarret Brown could have taken 40% of the snaps and be well groomed for the next year where WVU could have reloaded and been ready for another run at a national title.

overall impressions: I am very big on Jarret Brown, i always have been and always will be. Not only is he 6'5 and weighs 200+ pounds. Not only is he built in the Steve "4holes" McNair mold, but he is also my neighbor, I speak to he and his awesome parents frequently, and... best of all he and Morty Ivy offered me "weed, liquor, and bitches" two years ago the night before the spring game. However Pat White is and always will be known as the best QB in WVU history. He should even go down as one of the top QB's of this decade. He is the greatest winner in college history. He rightfully should have played and been our QB.

Bloggers vs. Mainstream Sports Writers: A quick profile

(Pictured:My Influences)

The Blogger:

Age: 22-35

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: ''Glue'' White

Writes About: Matt Lineharts drunken escapades, Their favorite team, Tom Bradys Bastard child, Mike Vicks Herpes.

Will rant endlessly about: ESPN.....Erin Andrews.....Lindsay Lohans Dissapearing boobs

Often heard saying: ''MOM...THE MEATLOAF!...FUCK!''

The Mainstream Sports Writer:

Age: 40-100

Gender: Male(mostly)

Ethnicity: White, but lets not talk about race.

Writes about: Your star players current slump, your star players contract, how good the team looks in training camp/spring training, coffee (Peter King Only).

Will rant endlessly about: Blogs, Steroids, Lazy ''Rap Culture'' Athletes(black).

Often heard saying: WHY DO THE FANS NOT CARE ABOUT STERIODS!!!!!!! HOW COULD THEY SUPPORT CHEATERS?????? WHY! YOU NEED TO CARE BECAUSE I CARE DAMN IT!

The NL All-Stars!

I admit it...im really fucking bias....and yes I know the all-star teams were announced a few hours ago, but fuck it ill throw my 2 cents out there anyway.

Catcher-

1. Brian McCann (ATL)

2. Bengi Molina (SF)

3. Yadiar Molina (STL)

1st Base

1. Albert Pujols (STL)

2. Prince Fielder (MIL)

2nd Base

1. Chase Utley (PHI)

2. Freddie Sanchez (PIT)

SS

1. Hanley Ramirez (FLA)

2. Cristian Guzman (WAS)

3. Ryan Theriot (CHC)

3rd

1. Ryan Zimmerman (WAS)

2. Mark Reynolds (ARI)

OF

1. Ryan Braun (MIL)

2. Juan Pierre (LAD)

3. Brad Hawpe (COL)

4. Carlos Lee (HOU)

5. Matt Kemp (LAD)

6. Justin Upton (ARI)

7. Adam Dunn (WAS)

PITCHER

1. Tim Lincecum (SF)

2. Johan Santana (NYM)

3. Jason Marquis (COL)

4. Dan Haren (ARI)

5. Javier Vazquez (ATL)

6. Johnny Cueto (CIN)

7. John Lannan (WAS)

8. Heath Bell (SD)

9. Ryan Franklin (STL)

10. Jonathan Broxton (LAD)

11. Brian Wilson (SF)

12. Ramon Troncoso (LAD)

RIP Steve McNair

Fuck man....just...fuck. What the fuck is the world coming to?

The AL All-Stars!

I tend to have very boring 4th of Julys. Bright shiny fireworks don't really excite me. The Nathan's hot dog eating contest is fucking retarded and kinda gay. Think about it, a bunch of asian twinks shoving long meat in their mouths. Yea, lil gay. One exciting thing thats coming up......The All Star Game! So useing my scientific formula of relentless love/hate for certain players and teams.....i've formulated both all-star teams....every MLB team represented........

AMERICAN LEAGUE

CATCHER:

1. Joe Mauer (MIN)

2. Victor Martinez (CLE)

3. Kurt Suzuki (OAK)

1st Base

1. Justin Morneau (MIN)

2. Miguel Cabrera (DET)

3. Russell Branyan (SEA)

2nd Base

1. Ben Zobrist (TB)

2. Aaron Hill (TOR)

SS

1. Jason Bartlett (TB)

2. Derek Jeter (NYY)

3rd Base

1. Evan Longoria (TB)

2. Brandon Inge (DET)

3. Chone Figgins (LAA)

OF

1. Torii Hunter (LAA)

2. Ichiro Suzuki (SEA)

3. Carl Crawford (TB)

4. Adam Jones (BAL)

5. Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS)

6. Shin-Soo Choo (CLE)

PITCHER

1. Zack Grienke (KC)

2. Felix Hernandez (SEA)

3. Edwin Jackson (DET)

4. Justin Verlander (DET)

5. Mark Buehrle (CWS)

6. Kevin Millwood (TEX)

7. Roy Halladay (TOR)

8. Mariano Rivera (NYY)

9. Joe Nathan (MIN)

10. David Aardsma (SEA)

11. Brian Fuentes (LAA)

12. Andrew Bailey (OAK)

A Revolutionary Mailbag Part 2- The Hungover part

(I CAN'T-REACH-REMOTE!)

So last night I attempted to attend a low-A baseball game. I got my ticket for free, got my ''Thirsty Thursday'' wristband.....and walked into a fucking High School Reunion. As people tend to do when they get around the group they grew up with, I reverted back to age 18 mentally, making dick jokes, laughing harder at them than anyone else, and drinking heavily. I've changed so much. With all that said its time to rock some questions.......

Q:Who should start on the mound for the AL and NL in the All Star game?

Justin in Inwood

A: For the AL: Zach Greinke, if his anti-depressants are strong enough for that stage.

For the NL: Tim Lincecum, are we all comfortable that the best pitcher in baseball looks like the 8th grader from ''Dazed and Confused''?

Q:Who will be the next manager to get fired?

Justin in Baltimore

A: Are you doing Ken Rosenthal's legwork now? What Manny Acta wasn't fired? Oh go fuck yourself Rosenthal you fuckin asshole! Go suck off Raul Ibanez a lil more your mouth isn't full yet!

(To answer your question, Bud Black or A.J. Hinch.)

Q: is troy akman gay?? however you spell his name?

Logan in Hedgesville

A: Yup, these are my readers....

A Revolutionary Mailbag Part 1

(Unless you play middle infield, sorry Jose!)

So since I am suffering from what real writers call ''brainsallfuckedup'', I've decided to put the onus on you(points) the reader. So heres what happened.....

Q:"EA Sports' NCAA football 10 has "Road to Glory with Erin Andrews"... Please give us all you

know about this so-called "road" and whether it is infected or not"

Jim in Denver

A: Ah a question about the sideline princess herself. For those of you unaware Erin Andrews is the hot chick ESPN places on the sidelines in a feeble attempt to get 18-35 year old men to watch college football. She also covers the College World Series, which explains why I get an erection anytime I walk in a Dick's Sporting Goods.(PING!) I hope. To answer your question about her ''Road to Glory''. I would imagine it starts with some light ESPN banter, perhaps a few questions about whether she got Harold Reynolds fired. She'll laugh it off, but you'll know it's a ''yes''. Then after some more chit-chat you''ll ask ''Do you want to take roofies and come back to my place for some emotion-less sex?'' She'll laugh it off, but you''ll know its a ''yes''. Then you''ll roofie her. I imagine the next block on the ''Road to Glory'' is shaven and pink, possibly piecred,if thats what your into. Whether its infected? You'd have to ask David Wright.....or Rey Maualuga....or The entire 2007 Oregon State baseball team.....or Suzy Kolber.

Q:Who is the worse organization? Nats or Pirates?

Billy in Ann Arbor

A: This is a tough question, given my passion for the Nats. Like any relationship this passion can go one of two ways. Johnny and June Cash- loving, supportive and long lasting or Andre Rison and Lisa ''Left Eye'' Lopes- HateFucking and Burning Down Mansions. So i'll answer it from both sides of my brain.

Cash Side: The Pirates are certainly the worse organization. What other organization has been completely inept and given more ''fuck-yous'' to their fans than the Pirates? Plus, its a known fact that God hates Pittsburgh and the Pirates are his way for making up for the Satans deathgrip on the NFL.

Setting Back Their Race 200 years side: FUCKIN NATIONALS! YOU KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY FUCK YOU TRADES? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD PLAYERS! NATIONALS PARK IS A FUCKING TOURIST ATTRACTION ON PAR WITH THE NATIONAL FUCKING PETTING ZOO AND THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM/SHOOTING RANGE! FUCK!

Verdict: Well that was rational, I guess it comes down to the Nyjer ''don't mispronounce my name cracker'' Morgan/ Sean Burnett for Lastings Milledge/Joel ''suck'' Hanrahan trade and whether the Nats sign Stephen Strasburg. Right now, GO NATS!

Q:What is your detailed solution to fix the BCS?

Bill in Morgantown

A: Dissolve the Big 10.

Better Know a Network Douchebag- Chris Berman

Age: 54

Height: 5-10ish

Weight: 350ish

Years at ESPN: 30

Famous Catchphrases: ''Back-back-back-back''; Various inaudible huffing and puffing; ''Your with me leather.''

Berman in his own words: ''You know I'd like to think i've made an impact over my career at ESPN. (sweats profusely) Not only have I been at this network since it's inception I.... (inaudible huffing and puffing for next 15 minutes).....and ofcourse im sorry to that hookers family.....Go Bills!''

RAY KNIGHT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi everybody! I'm Ray Knight former Cinncinatti Reds manager!

(looks into wrong camera)

Get it on!

So for anyone who doesn't follow Ric Bucher on Twitter, shit has gone down. A bunch of crappy bench guys were traded by Minnesota and Washington, but somehow the T-Wolves ended up with the #5 overall pick, while all the Wiz got was a overrated white guy and a guy who, when asked ''Who would you most like to meet?'' answered ''My parents.'' Lets just move on, in other news Portland sent 2 2nd rounders to Dallas to move up 2 spots....to 22, apparently to draft an Israli guy. I wish I made this shit up. In this little diddy im going to take 2 guys from my each 3rd of my mockdraft that I would want my team to draft. If they hadn't traded their 1st rounder. For an orphan.

Guys I Like

1-10

Jonny Flynn-

If ''balls'' was a measurable stat, this guy would be #1. He's quick as shit and played in the toughest conference in the country.

Ricky Rubio-

I know i've talked about him alot, but he just strikes me as the one guy in this draft thats going to get a GM fired for passing on him.

11-20

DeJuan Blair-

He's better right now than 60% of NBA big men and better than 100% of all backups. Is going to be a great pick for a team thats close to contention.

Eric Maynor-

A expierenced, tough playmaker who won me over when he elimadated Duke from the NCAA's a few years back.

21-30

Ty Lawson-

He was the go-to guy on the best team in the country and his skills project to the NBA, will be running a playoff team by January.

Josh Heytvelt-

As I've said, hes 6-11 and fucking skilled! How is this guy not going in the top 10! Oh yea the drug thing......

NBA Mock Draft 2009- The shit hits the fan

I have a completely unwarrented man crush on Ricky Rubio. I've never seen him play live, like Stephen Curry or Ty Lawson. I actually haven't seen any video of him besides Zapruder-level Youtube tape. Doesn't every basketball player in the country have highlight tape? I'm waiting for mine ''Stu's greatest 12 foot set shots, floor dives, and flagrant fouls-The Remixxxxx!'' That being said, I want this guy to be good, I want to hear Charles Barkley attempt to say

''Rik-ky R-you-b-o'' for the next 10 years. I want to see Steve Nash drop the title of ''Best Point Guard Alive'' to him. NBA GM's underestimate great point guard play. Why else would Rajon Rondo be tradable? Speaking of trades Richard Jefferson's already been traded for Crap, Crap, and Bruce Bowen's corpse. Shaq, Amare, and pretty much everone else in the NBA is on the market. The financial shape of the NBA is bending teams over like their spending a night in Colorado with Kobe.(Shoots paper at trashcan) With all that being said, and with the understanding that there will be a shit ton of trades and buying of draft picks, heres the mock draft.

1. LA Clippers- Blake Griffin PF

-Will join Jason Kidd as the only ''Mocha'' colored guys in the NBA, not be so pussy whipped.

2. Memphis Grizzlies- Hasheen Thabeet C

-I can't even think of a whitty joke, this guy is fucking terrible offensively.

3. Zombie Sonics- Ricky Rubio PG

-(Prepares 500 word rimjob about Rubio-Durant combo)

4. Sacramento Kings- Jordan Hill PF

-The Maloofs are drunk enough to think their getting Grant Hills' son.

5. Washington Wizards- Jonny Flynn PG

-Stu Scott thinks ''J-FLY'' is an excellent addition.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves- Jrue Holliday PG

-Guys that don't score 10ppg in college are always good choices.

7. Golden State Warriors- James Harden SG

-Nellie likes him after 9 beers.

8. New York Knicks- Stephen Curry PG

-Stephen A. Smith will yell for the next 2 hours.

9. Toronto Raptors- Tyreke Evans SG

-With a name like that he must be good.

10. Bucks- Demar DeRozen SG

-They don't fucking deserve the city name, plus I can't spell Milwalkee.

11. New Jersey Nets- DeJuan Blair PF

-The anti-Thabeet, I think he will be a very good NBA player.

12. Charlotte Bobcats- Terrence Williams SG

-Larry Brown just benched him for being ''too athletic''.

13. Indiana Pacers- Gerald Henderson SG

-Bird wanted a white guy.

14. Phoenix Suns- James Johnson SF

-They'll sell the pick for $8,675,309. (I want it! I want it!)

15. Detroit Pistons- Brandon Jennings PG

-Nice to see the guy who didn't go to college gets a job in Detroit.

16. Chicago Bulls- B.J. Mullens C

-So I have a blow job joke, a Undertaker joke, and a Robert Swift joke ready.

17. Philadelphia 76er's- Earl Clark SF

-Has been compared to Tim Thomas. Seriously.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves- Omri Casspi SF

-Ipssac Irmo would've been a better choice

19. Atlanta Hawks- Eric Maynor PG

-Player least likely to fight dogs.

20. Utah Jazz- Chase Budinger SG

-''insert racist joke here''

21. New Orleans Hornets- Austin Daye SF

-At 6-10 will have a chance to make it out when the next flood hits.

22. Dallas Mavericks- Sam Young SF

-Is actually 77 years old.

23. Sacramento Kings- Ty Lawson PG

-With the Maloof's passed out in a pile of hookers and blow, the NBA steps in and selects one of the 10 best players in the draft.

24. Portland Trailblazers- Tyler Hansbrough PF

-The yin to Odens yang. Of suck.

25. The team that shall not be named- Nick Calathes SG

-When this guy is your ''MJ'' you suck.

26. Chicago Bulls- Jeff Teague PG

-Has no discernable skill.

27. Memphis Grizzlies- Jon Brockman PF

-Subscribes to the ''Bust/White guy'' style of drafting twice.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wayne Ellington SG

-(recycles blues singer joke)

29. LA Lakers- Jonas Jerebko SF

-Luke Walton thinks this Jonas is dreamy.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers- Josh Heytvelt PF

-6-11, can shoot, has been arrested for possession of psychedelic mushrooms.

NBA Draft Prospects top 30- with comparisons!

Not Pictured: the flaming pile of dogshit Kwame brought on the court everytime out

With the NBA Draft coming up on Thursday I am in 2 words, fucking giddy. Drafts are like Christmas for blowhards like me, I get to see overmatched GMs give millions of $$$ to guys their not even sure of. With that said heres my top 30 players, based on who I would draft. I'm a fan of the tier system because alot of these guys rate out the same.

Tier 1 (Franchise Players)

1. Blake Griffin- Karl Malone

2. Ricky Rubio- Steve Nash

Tier 2 (Multiple time All-Stars)

3. Tyreke Evans- Jason Richardson

4.Eric Maynor- Brandon Roy

5. James Harden- Rip Hamilton

6. Jonny Flynn- John Starks

Tier 3 (Solid Starters)

7. DeJuan Blair- Charles Oakley

8. Ty Lawson- Jameer Nelson

9. Stephen Curry- Mo Williams

10. Jordan Hill- Ty Thomas

11.Earl Clark- Rashard Lewis

12.Brandon Jennings- Gilbert Arenas

13. Gerald Henderson- Vince Carter

14. Jeff Teague- Rafer Alston

15. James Johnson- Andre Inguodala

Tier 4 (Solid Rotation guys)

16. Sam Young- Jeff Posey

17. Wayne Ellington- Courtney Lee

18. Chase Budinger- Mike Miller

19. Tyler Hansbrough- Glen Davis

20. Toney Douglas- Ben Gordan

21. Josh Heytvelt- Hedo Turkalou

22. Darren Collison- Jordan Farmar

23. Derrick Brown- Bruce Bowen

24. Tyrese Rice- Nick Van Excel

25. Dajuan Summers- Jeff Green

Tier 5 (Projects)

26. Hasheem Thabeet- Manute Bol

27. DeMarr DeRozen- Tracy McGrady

28. B.J. Mullens- A 7ft Corpse

29. Jrue Holliday- O.J. Mayo

30. Austin Daye- Tayshaun Prince