1st Round
1. Detroit Lions- Matthew Stafford QB Georgia
--- Detroit needs a QB 1st and can get to their other needs later.
2. St. Louis Rams- Jason Smith OT Baylor
--- ‘’I like to physically assault people-on the field’’-Jason Smith
3. Kansas City Chiefs- Eugene Monroe OT Virginia
--- Forced current Chiefs Left Tackle Brandon Albert inside at Virginia
4. Seattle Seahawks- Aaron Curry LB Wake Forest
--- Can play any linebacker position and rush on 3rd down
5. Cleveland Browns- Brian Orakapo DE-OLB Texas
--- Will replace Willie McGinest @ Linebacker opposite Kamerion Wimbley
6. Cincinnati Bengals- Everette Brown- DE-OLB Florida State
--- Has never been arrested
7. Oakland Raiders- Jeremy Maclin WR Missouri
--- Al Davis chooses best fast guy available
8. Jacksonville Jaguars- Andre Smith OT Alabama
--- Jack Del Rio is a fan of manboobs
9. Green Bay Packers- Tyson Jackson DE-DT LSU
--- The beginnings of the transition to the 3-4
10. San Francisco 49ers- B.J. Raji DT Boston College
--- The end of the transition to the 3-4
11. Buffalo Bills- Ray Maualuga LB USC
--- Will give T.O. someone to be in the closet with
12. Denver Broncos- Aaron Maybin DE-LB Penn State
--- Will be surprised when McDaniels falls down; doesn’t break hip.
13. Washington Redskins- Robert Ayers DE Tennessee
--- Vinny Cerrato likes how he fills out a jock
14. New Orleans Saints- Brian Cushing LB USC
--- Because when you have 11 holes on D, it’s a good idea to fill one.
15. Houston Texans – Malcolm Jenkins CB-S Ohio State
--- Holds out due to racist police.
16. San Diego Chargers- Mike Oher OT Ole Miss.
--- Will be shocked when father wants to get to know him.
17. New York Jets – Josh Freeman QB Kansas State
--- Will be booed. Is not a land baron.
18. Denver Broncos- Knowshon Moreno RB Georgia
--- Shanahan thinks this is how pussys build running games
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Michael Crabtree WR Texas Tech
--- Just stay away……
20. Detroit Lions- Peria Jerry DT Ole Miss
---……from boats
21. Philadelphia Eagles- Beanie Wells RB Ohio State
--- Will shock Eagles fans by not being listed as Questionable for 16 straight weeks
22. Minnesota Vikings – Alex Mack C Cal
--- Things Brad Childress believes in: Easter Bunny, Love, Tavarius Jackson, Santa.
23. New England Patriots- Donald Brown RB UCONN
--- Belicheck will test his mettle early on with rape, scold him when he fumbles.
24. Atlanta Falcons – Ziggy Hood DT Missouri
--- Just tryin to get their black fans back after this Vick misunderstanding.
25. Miami Dolphins- Max Unger OL Oregon
--- Will make Pro Bowl, be nicknamed ‘’Mad Max’’, shoot self.
26. Baltimore Ravens- Darrius Heyward-Bey WR Maryland
--- ‘’DHB’’ Sounds like a date rape drug used by Maryland frat guys.
27. Indianapolis Colts- Mark Sanchez QB USC
--- Indianas 4 mexicans will be estatic; still poor and over worked.
28. Philadelphia Eagles- James Casey TE Rice
--- ‘’I needed a white guy’’- Andy Reid
29. New York Giants- Kenny Britt WR Rutgers
--- ‘’Registers his handguns.’’
30. Tennessee Titans- Ron Brace DT Boston College
--- Not as good as Raji; less stompy than Haynesworth.
31. Arizona Cardinals- Shady McCoy RB Pitt
--- Was nicknamed shady by white father, after white mother gave birth to him.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers- Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma
--- Is actually a 85 year old jazz legend.
2nd Round
33. Detroit Lions- Vontae Davis CB Illinios
--- Will have name misspelled 3,700 times over career, which will last 2 years.
34. New England Patroits-Clint Stintim OLB Virginia
--- Will be called ‘’Clit’’ by overzealous announcer.
35. St. Louis Rams- Andy Levitre OG Oregon ST.
--- Scrappy, Tough, Hustles=White, Unathletic, Fat
36. Cleveland Browns- Jarron Gilbert DE San Jose State
--- Can standing jump out of pool, does not know what a 3 point stance is.
37. Seattle Seahawks-Eben Britton OT Arizona
--- Will retire after 2 injury plagued seasons to start grunge band.
38. Cincinnati Bengals- Eric Wood C Louisville
--- ‘’Welcome to The Bengals Family Eric, here your Kevlar!
39. Jacksonville Jaguars- Clay Matthews LB USC
--- Will conversate with Del Rio about USC song girls going ass-to-ass.
40. Oakland Raiders- Coye Francies CB- San Jose St.
--- Al Davis is asleep at this point, leaves 127 year old corpse in charge.
41. Green Bay Packers- Paul Krueger DE-OLB Utah
--- Will become next land baron; skull fuck a willing Peter King.
43. Buffalo Bills- Brandon Pettigrew TE Oklahoma State
--- Will room on road with Trent Edwards, drawing the ire of T.O.
44. San Francisco 49ers- Rashard Johnson S Alabama
--- Finally off Nick Sabans payroll.
45. New York Giants- Sean Smith CB Utah
--- Will remind Giants fans of less-douchey Jason Sehorn.
46. Houston Texans- Louis Delmas S Western Michigan
--- Was known as the ‘’King of Western Michigan’’.
47. New England Patriots- James Laurinaitis MLB Ohio St.
--- Will remind some of Andy Katzenmoyer; be main eventing Wrestlemania in 5 years.
48. Denver Broncos- D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt
--- Token reminder of Jay Cutler trade.
49. Chicago Bears- Hakeem Nicks WR UNC
--- UNC grad going to Chicago!
50. Cleveland Browns- Patrick Chung S Oregon
--- Theres always karate.
51. Dallas Cowboys- William Beatty OT UCONN
--- Will fuck Ashley Simpson.
52. New York Jets- Fili Moala DT-DE USC
--- Was actually that fat guy that follows Pete Carroll on the sidelines.
53. Philadelphia Eagles- Troy Kropog OT Tulane
--- Will be the fall-guy for Andy Reids kids next drug bust.
54. Minnesota Vikings- Sen’Derrick Marks DT Auburn
--- Will be asked by veterans to wear gimp suit during training camp.
55. Atlanta Falcons- Cornelius Ingram TE Florida
--- The city will pine for his move to QB.
56. Miami Dolphins- Larry English OLB Northern Illinois
--- Will be compared to past Parcells pass rushers; fail miserably.
57. Baltimore Ravens- Ricky Jean-Francois DE LSU
--- ‘’Bonjour Ray-Ray’’
58. New England Patriots- Gerald Cadogan OT Penn St.
--- Cannot read.
59. Carolina Panthers- Pat White QB WVU
--- Jake Delhomme, you’ve been put on notice.
60. New York Giants- Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State
--- 3 years from now will hide Kenny Britts gun.
61. Indianapolis Colts- Percy Harvin WR Florida
--- Will strain hamstring changing name to something ‘’less gay than Peyton’’.
62. Tennessee Titans- Brian Robiskie WR Ohio State
--- Kerry Collins is not a fan of his kind, will party shirt-less with Vince Young.
63. Arizona Cardinals- James Cook TE South Carolina
--- Will be surprised to have coach that’s not legally insane.
64. Pittsburgh Steelers- Phil Loadholt OT Oklahoma
--- Last name evolved from ‘’Loadholder’’ was given to family when great-great grandmother sucked 37 dicks on ferry.
3rd ROUND
65. Detroit Lions- Mohammed Massaquoi WR Georgia
--- Middle name is Saddam.
66. St. Louis Rams- Michael Johnson DE Georgia Tech
--- Is made 25% more athletic by being named ‘’Michael Johnson’’.
67. Kansas City Chiefs- Conner Barwin DE-OLB Cinncinati
--- Sold soul prior to senior season.
68. Seattle Seahawks- Rhett Bomar QB Sam Houston State
--- Thinks Sam Bradford would’ve transferred by now if he wasn’t caught.
69. Dallas Cowboys-Derrick Williams WR Penn State
--- Is not as fast or talented as u may think.
70. Cincinnati Bengals- Jamon Meredith OT South Carolina
--- Pam Ward once fucked him after a ESPN2 Noon game.
71. Oakland Raiders- Alex Magee DT Purdue
--- Andre Ware did the same to him.
72. Jacksonville Jaguars- Louis Murphy WR Florida
-- Does less blow than Matt Jones.
73. Green Bay Packers- Jarius Byrd- CB Oregon
-- Will not enjoy his time in Green Bay.
74. San Francisco 49ers- Stephen McGee- QB Texas A&M
--- Will become gay icon.
75. Buffalo Bills- Jonathan Luigs C Arkansas
--- Will have Trent Edwards fondling his taint for the next 10 years.
76. New York Jets- Brandon Tate WR UNC
--- Will be horribly overthrown in all 16 games.
77. Houston Texans- Henry Melton DE Texas
--- At 6ft 3 and 280lbs will be the smallest of P. Diddys bodyguards.
78. San Diego Chargers- William Moore SS Missouri
--- Hasa future in bukkake films.
79. Denver Broncos- Terrance Taylor NT Michigan
--- Is fat and therefore can play nose tackle reasonably well.
80. Washington Redskins- Corey Irvin DT Georgia
--- Will have longer career than former Raider Leon Bender.
81. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Lawrence Sidbury DE Richmond
--- Is related to the Ugandan Giant Kamala.
82. Detroit Lions- Kraig Urbik OG Wisconsin
--- The 1st Ukrainian NFLer.
83. Green Bay Packers- Cody Brown DE-OLB UCONN
--- Hates Asians
84. Denver Broncos-Graham Harrell QB Texas Tech
--- Will out play Cutler, but never out-sulk him.
85. Philadelphia Eagles-Ramses Barden WR Cal-Poly
--- Will steal one of Hefs girlfriend; have mediocre careers.
86. Minnesota Vikings- Jarett Dillard WR Rice
--- The Jerry Rice comparisons stop when he starts playing.
87. Miami Dolphins- Louis Vasquez OG Texas Tech
--- Tony Sparano has a thing for Mexicans.
88. Baltimore Ravens- Jasper Brinkley ILB South Carolina
--- Ray will teach him the ropes, and knives of playing linebacker.
89. New England Patriots- Mike Thomas WR Arizona
--- Will remind some of a black Wes Welker; not be accepted by Pats fans.
90. Atlanta Falcons- Darcel McBath S Texas Tech
--- A ‘’McBath’’ is what you get when you cant pay for your food at a Atl. McDonalds.
91. New York Giants- Jason Watkins OT Florida
--- Tom Coughlins already fined him 3,000$ for being a bitch.
92. Indianapolis Colts- John Gill DT Northwestern
--- Is a gay fish.
93. Carolina Panthers- Juaquin Iglesias WR Oklahoma
--- Will be the Enrique Iglesias of Panther Wideouts.
94. Tennessee Titans- Darius Butler CB UCONN
--- Will weigh more than LenDale White by seasons end.
95. Arizona Cardinals- Danny Beckwith LB LSU
--- Bourbon Street experience will endear him to Linehart.
96. Pittsburgh Steelers- Herman Johnson OG LSU
--- Weighs 700lbs
97. New England Patriots-Shawn Nelson TE Southern Miss
--- Hey did you know Brett Favre went to Southern Miss!
98. Cincinnati Bengals-Cedric Peerman RB Virginia
--- Is not an entertainer.
99. Chicago Bears- Brandon Williams DE Texas Tech
--- Enjoys bondage.
100. New York Giants- Bear Pascoe TE Fresno State
--- Eli always wanted a bear.
