Good Stu Hunting

''Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you know how fucking easy this is? Do you have any fucking clue? It's a fucking joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this, I really am. I'm sorry I have to sit around and watch you fumble around and fuck it up."-- Will Hunting

This must be what Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen was thinking as the Lebron James lead Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated from the playoffs. In the 90's they waxed the ass of the Knicks on a yearly basis. Those Knicks teams were lead by Pat Riley and Jeff Van Gundy, with Patrick Ewing as the unquestioned star. This years Magic team had a Riley assistant and Jeff's brother, Stan Van Gundy, as head coach as well as having a young Dwight Howard as the unquestioned star. These teams are very identical in that they are the typical teams of their time, but with excellent players in those roles. In the 90's most teams threw it inside, played physical defense, and went 1-on-5 as the clock wound down. It was slow and boring, but it worked. Today, thanks to the Mike D'Antoni 7 seconds or less offense, teams play smaller and faster. The Magic have the perfect front-line for this style, 2 dead-eye 3point shooters in Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu and the most athletic bigman in the league in Howard. The similarites incredible.

So now what for the Cavs and LeBron? Even with 23million coming off their cap this summer they will still be 11million over the cap. However Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has shown hes willing to pay the luxury tax to build a competitive team. So here my 4 step plan to winning the title next season.

1. Sign some big men who have balls.

Rasheed Wallace's mean streak and shooting would be a perfect compliment to LeBron, or if they want to go cheaper Chris Anderson could be the Rodman to LeBron's MJ.

2. Sign Ron Artest.

This goes back again to the toughness problem. Artest is Mike Tyson with a jump shot.

3. Trade picks # 30, # 46 ,Zydrunas Ilgauskas, JJ Hickson, Ben Wallace, and Anderson Varejao to the Washington Wizards for Pick # 5, Dominic McGuire, Javaris Chrittenton, and Etan Thomas.

Washington still feels they're a healthy Gilbert Arenas away from being a contender and these 3 big guys will help.

4. Draft VCU PG Eric Maynor with the 5th pick.

Maynor is a Brandon Roy clone who is ready to step in and play right now.

The Next 12months will change the course of the Cavs franchise for better or worse. They can make moves and desperately try to win this year or stay with Big(slow) Z and Anderson Varejao and watch LeBron skip town quicker than Travis Henry.

Welcome to the Jungle.....

This is Matt Wieters, a 6ft-5inch 23 year old catcher for the Baltimore Orioles, a former # 5 Overall draft choice, and the man that has been annointed as the savior of a franchise that has not been relevant since Cal Jr. traded in his fielding cane for a regular walking cane in 2001. Sure this teams had some young talent floating. But now, thanks to the killing theyve made from the shrewd Erik Bedard trade and some luck with late round picks, they are t-h-i-s close to being a contender. They are not the Nationals who are still 11 pitchers away from contending, they have the pitchers coming. David Hernandez could be the Pedro to Wieters....well thats the thing he gets compared to Joe Mauer but Mauer will never have the power that Wieters has right now. There hasnt been a catcher with his combination of Average, Power, and Defense. Piazza could hit for power but was a terrible defender, Pudge Rodriguez at his best still never had the power. The only real comparison is Johnny Bench. In his best season (1970) Bench hit .298 with 45HRs and 148RBIs, and won the Gold Glove. That stat line, the best season of the guy widely considered the best overall catcher in baseball history could be Wieters AVERAGE!

So whats the downside of all this hype? The same has been for decades....injuries( see:Mauer,Joe).....pussy (Keep him away from Benson's Ex!) and the scariest....hes just not that good......but fuck that noise for now I know the majority of the people reading this are O's and Nats(Just wait for my Strasberg post!) fans......so lets focus on what we have. A bunch of good young players, some veteran's to make the trade deadline exciting and announcers like Rob Dibble's hair grease and Buck Martinez's bad toupee that break the unintentional comedy scale.

Balls Deep NBA Off-Season Preview

(Pictured: My balls)




With the NBA Playoffs headed to a Anti-Climactic LA-Orlando 7 game series, its time to focus on the highlight of the basketball off-season-The NBA Draft.

These draft predictions are half what i would do and half what i think they will do. For example i wouldn't touch Hasheem Thabeet. Not at pick 1, 15, 30, or 60. 7ft-3in. guys dont ever pan out. Gheorghe Mureşan, Manute Bol, and Yao Ming could tell you that. But some GM will be dumb enough to choose him. Enter Memphis GM(and Buckhannon, WV native) Chris Wallace. This man once traded Joe Johnson for Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers. If you don't remember these guys, I played NBA Live 2000, they sucked.The Core Guys are the players I would be shocked if they traded. Key Free Agents are the players they shouldn't let go. Anyways heres the picks!

1 Los Angeles Clippers: Blake Griffin Power Forward Oklahoma.

Draft Blurb: Will be the best mixed raced looking Power Forward ever drafted #1


Core Guys: Eric Gordon SG, Al Thorton SF

Key Free Agents: None

2Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet Center UCONN

Draft Blurb: Those are his condoms.


Core Guys: Mike Conley Jr PG, O.J. Mayo SG, Rudy Gay SF

Key Free Agents: Hakim Warrick PF

3Oklahoma City Thunder: Jordan Hill Power Forward Arizona

Draft Blurb: Was the toughest player in the Pac 10, which is like being the ''most well endowed midget.''

Core Guys: Russell Westbrook PG, Kevin Durant SG/SF, Jeff Green SF/PF

Key Free Agents: None

4Sacramento Kings: Earl Clark Power Forward Louisville

Draft Blub: Finally off Rick Pitino's payroll.

Core Guys: Kevin Martin SG, Jason Thompson C

Key Free Agents: Ike Diogu PF

5Washington Wizards: Ricky Rubio Point Guard Spain

Draft Blurb: Actual Quote describing Rubio-''I think he's a freak of nature, being so young and being so skilled and also so cool all the time. You can see that he knows what he's doing''- They said the same thing about John Holmes.

Core Guys: Gilbert Arenas PG, Caron Butler SF, JaVale McGee C

Key Free Agents: None

6Minnesota Timberwolves: Brandon Jennings Point Guard Europe

Draft Blurb: Can't read.

Core Guys: Randy Foye SG, Al Jefferson PF, Kevin Love C

Key Free Agents: None

7Golden State Warriors: Ty Lawson Point Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Was once arrested for playing music too loud in his car, the song- ''Pain is soo close to pleasure'' by Queen

Core Guys: Marco Bellinelli SG, Monta Ellis SG, Anthony Randolph PF, Andris Biedrins

Key Free Agents: None

8New York Knicks: Stephen Curry Point Guard Davidson

Draft Blurb: Appeared in Burger King Commercial at young age, was molested.

Core Guys: Chris Duhon PG, Danilo Gallinari SF

Key Free Agents: David Lee PF

9Toronto Raptors: James Harden Shooting Guard Arizona State

Draft Blurb: Played for AAU team ''Pump-N-Run'' a name inspired by Shawn Kemp and Calvin Murphy.

Core Guys: Jose Calderon PG, Chris Bosh PF, Andrea Bargnani C

Key Free Agents: None

10Milwaukee Bucks: Gani Lawal Power Forward Georgia Tech

Draft Blurb: Is just happy to get out of the south.

Core Guys: Michael Redd SG, Joe Alexander SF, Andrew Bogut C

Key Free Agents: Ramon Sessions PG, Charlie Villanueva PF

11New Jersey Nets: Tyreke Evans Shooting Guard Memphis

Draft Blurb: Lists ''Ebonics'' as his favorite college course.

Core Guys: Devin Harris PG, Sean Williams PF, Brook Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

12Charlotte Bobcats: DeMar DeRozan Shooting Guard USC

Draft Blurb: Being a member of Lil' Romeos posse will prove more profitable.

Core Guys: D.J. Augustin PG, Gerald Wallace SF, Emeka Okafor C

Key Free Agents: Raymond Felton PG

13Indiana Pacers: Eric Maynor Point Guard VCU

Draft Blurb: Larry Bird's happy hes not from OD-U.

Core Guys: Danny Granger SF

Key Free Agents: None

14Phoenix Suns: Jonny Flynn Point Guard Syracuse

Draft Blurb: Will be the Jules Winnfield to Nash's Vincent Vega.

Core Guys: Steve Nash PG, Robin Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

THE REST OF THESE GUYS ARN'T LOTTERY PICKS SO SCREW THE PICS.

15Detroit Pistons: Jeff Teague Point Guard Wake Forest

Draft Blurb: His Wikipedia page has not been updated since Jan.26th

Core Guys: Will Bynum PG, Arron Afflalo SG, Rodney Stuckey SG, Tayshaun Prince SF

Key Free Agents: None

16Chicago Bulls: B.J. Mullens Center Ohio St.

Draft Blurb: Will be nicknamed ''The Undertaker'' after playing like a 7ft. corpse.

Core Guys: Derrick Rose PG, Tyrus Thomas PF, Joakim Noah C

Key Free Agents: Ben Gordon SG

17Philadelphia 76ers: Patty Mills Point Guard St. Marys

Draft Blurb: Was named after his aunt.

Core Guys: Louis Williams SG, Andre Iguodala SF, Mareese Speights PF, Elton Brand PF

Key Free Agents: Andre Miller PG

18Minnesota Timberwolves: James Johnson Small Forward Geogia Tech

Draft Blurb: Hometown news paper will have headline ''Crack Baby makes good''.

19Atlanta Hawks: Taj Gibson Power Forward USC

Draft Blurb: Likes to spend free time learning to read.

Core Guys: Joe Johnson SG, Josh Smith SF, Al Horford C

Key Free Agents: Mike Bibby PG, Marvin Williams PF

20Utah Jazz: Chase Budinger Shooting Guard Arizona

Draft Blurb: ''We needed a white guy.''-Jerry Sloan

Core Guys: Deron Williams PG, C.J. Miles SF

Key Free Agents: Kyle Korver SG, Paul Milsap PF, Carlos Boozer PF

21New Orleans Hornets: Gerald Henderson Shooting Guard Duke

Draft Blurb: An excellent swimmer

Core Guys: Chris Paul PG

Key Free Agents: None

22Dallas Mavericks: Omri Casspi Small Forward Israel

Draft Blurb: Was teammate of former WVU pile of suck D'or Fischer.

Core Guys: Dirk Nowitski PF

Key Free Agents: Brandon Bass PF

23Sacramento Kings: Toney Douglas Point Guard Florida State

Draft Blurb: I just see a murder in his future...dunno why.

24Portland Trail Blazers: Wayne Ellington Shooting Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Woulda had a better night life with the Jail-Blazers.

Core Guys: Brandon Roy SG, LaMarcus Aldridge PF

Key Free Agents: None

25Oklahoma City Thunder: Darren Collison Point Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Thinks the ''Thunder'' thing is kinda gay.

26Chicago Bulls: Jeff Pendergraph Power Forward Arizona State

Draft Blog: Least intimidating name in the draft

27Memphis Grizzlies: DaJuan Summers Small Forward Georgetown

Draft Blurb: Wouldn't it be funnier if he was white.

28Minnesota Timberwolves: Jrue Holliday Shooting Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Best ''Jrue'' available.

29Los Angeles Lakers: DaJuan Blair Power Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: ESPN Columnist Dana O' Neil- ''He's a people collector''....so was John Wayne Gacy.

Core Guys: Pau Gasol PF, Andrew Bynum C

Key Free Agents: Kobe Bryant SG (Can Opt-Out)

30Cleveland Cavaliers: Tyler Hansbrough Power Forward UNC

Draft Blurb: Will attempt to imitate Mark Madsen's danceing, do the dice thing too much.

Core Guys: Lebron James SF, J.J. Hickson PF

Key Free Agents: None

(Other Teams w/o 1st Rounders)

34Denver Nuggets: AJ Price Point Guard UCONN

Draft Blurb: 2 arrests barely qualify him to play for Denver.

Core Guys: Chauncey Billups PG, J.R. Smith SG, Carmelo Anthony SF, Nene Hilario

Key Free Agents: Chris Anderson PF

37San Antonio Spurs: Sam Young Small Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: Will become huge fan favorite after punching out Manu in 1st practice.

Core Guys: Tony Longoria PG, Tim Duncan PF

Key Free Agents: None

43Miami Heat: Jon Brockman Power Forward Washington

Draft Blurb: Michael Beasley's DD.

Core Guys: Mario Chalmers PG, Dwayne Wade SG

Key Free Agents: None

58Boston Celtics: Alex Ruoff Shooting Guard WVU

Draft Blurb: (Points at Kevin Pittsnogle) (laughs)

Core Guys: Rajon Rondo PG, Ray Allen SG, Paul Pierce F, Kevin Garnett F, Kendrick Perkins C

Key Free Agents: Leon Powe PF, Glen Davis C

NO PICK: Orlando Magic

Core Guys: Jameer Nelson PG, Courtney Lee SG, Rashard Lewis SF, Dwight Howard C

Key Free Agents: Hedo Turkoglu PF, Marcin Gorat C

Draft Blurb: Desperate for attention on draft night, Stan Van Gundy will agree to give an interview in which he compares the porn industry to coaching basketball while wearing justa towel.

Obsevations on the NBA draft lottery

We are live from my room! Upstairs in my house.... throw in some beads and move me one floor up and im Greg Brady!


8:04pm: We start out with a shot of Stu Scott, Jon Barry, Mike Wilbon, and Magic Johnson it kinda looks like the Scott, Barry, and Wilbon are trying to keep their distance from Magic....I wonder why?

8:07pm: ESPN's 3rd string black guy tells us its all about ''seducing lady luck''. I don't wanna see Larry Legend try that.

8:09pm: Magic Johnson's talking about ''playing with men''.

8:11pm: Chris Webber just unsuccessfully tried to buy the #1 pick.

8:12pm: Stu Scott just made a bad Vlade Divac joke then tried to straighten out his crooked eye, tearing every muscle in his face.

8:19pm: Jon Barry just said Kobe has ''the menality of a killer.'' I woulda went with rapist.

8:20pm: Carmello Anthony just gave an interview without an interperter.

8:21pm: Stu Scott fills us in on whats ahead and then yells DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT ABOUT TURNING THE CHANNEL!.......i bet he could stare a hole right through us if we did.

8:28pm: Lisa Salters is interviewing David Stern about the WWE-Nuggets
debacle......

Stern: '' If McMahon wants to take us on I will fucking break him.......YOU HEAR ME MCMAHON! I'M CALLING YOU OUT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''

8:30pm: AND IT IS ON!

8:31pm: Lisa Salters lets us no that no twittering was allowed inside the board room that the lottery took place.

8:37pm: mailto:SEXYDSTERN@twitter.com-g it 4 DA knicks''

8:39pm: Jeff Van Gundy hasn't slept since 1988.

8:43pm: From here on ill just hit it pick by pick...

14: Phoenix Suns

13: Indiana Pacers

12: Charlotte Bobcats

11: New Jersey Nets

10: Milwaukee Bucks

9: Toronto Raptors

8: NY Knicks

7: Golden State Warriors

6: Minnesota Timberwolves

5: Washington Wizards (fuckkkk)

4: Sacramento Kings (hahahahaha)

3: Okalhoma City Thunder

2: Memphis Grizzlies

1: LA Clippers

8:53pm: So id say theres a 100% chance theyre takin Thabeet.

Falling back in love with the NBA.

The great thing about being a kid that follows sports is that you don't know about the bad stuff, I matured as a sports fan at the worst possible time 1998-2004. When I was a kid the TV was a constant string of games Fox's baseball on Saturday afternoon, ESPN's Sunday night baseball, Braves games on TBS everynight of the summer, NFL games on Sunday in the fall and my personal favorite TNT's Friday night NBA Doubleheader. I was able to watch those games without the thought of ''Is this guy juiceing?'' or ''I wonder how many bastard's this guy's fathered?'' Somewhere around 1998 the sports media took it upon it's self to start not only reporting the good ( Shawn Kemp's an incredible athlete!) but to also report, and shove down our throats the bad (Hey did you know Shawn Kemp has atleast 7 illegitimate kids!). The guy pictured above is Shawn Kemp, who besides being my favorite player, was an alcoholic, a drug addict and really an all-around bad guy. When ESPN and the like started digging the skelatons out of the closet, no league had more skelatons than the NBA. After being inudated with stories about Allen Iverson's drug problems and spousal abuse or Jayson William's shooting his limo driver or Robert ''Tractor'' Traylor, the guy I had annoited to take over Kemp's post as my favorite player, eating himself out of professional basketball, I couldn't be a fan of these guys anymore. Sure I still watched the highlights, followed the draft, and caught the occasional play-off game, but I couldn't become emotionally invested in them like I did when I was 10 years old and watched the entire NBA draft.

Kevin Durant 1st sucked me in. Here was a very young guy playing on very bad team in a very bad situation. But you dont here a bad thing about him, as a rookie he played out of position the entire year on team that was relocating from a basketball hub to the middle of nowhere. Steve Francis would've demanded a trade, Shawn Kemp would've beat his girlfriend, Allen Iverson would've went on a shooting spree. Durant not only just shut his mouth and played, but scored 20 points a game.

Rarely do you get to see a young athlete actually make the leap from ''good'' to ''great'' infront of your eyes. Lebron did it slowly ar 1st, gradually adding to his game every year. Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter never wanted to do it, happy to just be either the best guy on bad teams or be ''The man'' on teams that were never good enough, just another example of failed potential. In the Bulls-Celtics 1st round series Rajon Rondo and Derek Rose showed me why I cared about basketball in the 1st place. They had to become the best player on their team for different reasons. (Rondo because of injurys, Rose because their was noone else on his team.) Instead of shrinking on the big stage they put on the most captivating show i've ever seen, Rondo went from The 4th wheel on the defending champs to a triple double waiting to happen, the guy holding the team together, getting the big rebounds and making the big shots . Rondo is like LeBron in that he does not have a ceiling as a basketball player. Rose, instead of being the scared but talented rookie doing just enough to lose, was hitting the big shots and making the big plays, excelling where the Carter's and McGrady's failed.

ESPN always likes to focus on whose ''next''. It was easy to look at a 18 year old LeBron and say that he was going to be great, and it is fun in sports to see a guy capitilize on his obvious potential. But it's more fun to see a guy like Rondo or Rose surprise us and go from ''boy'' to ''man'' in front of our eyes. Guys like that keep the hardcore fans intrested, and bring the fans that had a hard time putting up with the Escalades, Me-1st attitudes, groupies, and unrelized potential back.

Peyton will endorse you lubrication

Hi, I'm Peyton Manning you might remember me from such annoying, overplayed commercials as Sprints '' 6-5 230 rocket arm'' and XBoxs highly unsuccessful ''NFL Fever'' commerical. Today I'd like to talk to you about lubrication, no not for your car......

(Ushers children away)

Is your love life lacking in the old spark? Is your old ball & chain not reacting the same way she used to feeble love-making attempts (Makes Manning-Face) Are you having problems getting your adult dick in your underage girlfriend?

Try Peyton Mannings '' Always Good'' Dicking Jelly

(Turns and throws ball through hoop)

'' No matter the circumstances you'll always be able to get it in.''