Balls Deep NBA Off-Season Preview

(Pictured: My balls)




With the NBA Playoffs headed to a Anti-Climactic LA-Orlando 7 game series, its time to focus on the highlight of the basketball off-season-The NBA Draft.

These draft predictions are half what i would do and half what i think they will do. For example i wouldn't touch Hasheem Thabeet. Not at pick 1, 15, 30, or 60. 7ft-3in. guys dont ever pan out. Gheorghe Mureşan, Manute Bol, and Yao Ming could tell you that. But some GM will be dumb enough to choose him. Enter Memphis GM(and Buckhannon, WV native) Chris Wallace. This man once traded Joe Johnson for Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers. If you don't remember these guys, I played NBA Live 2000, they sucked.The Core Guys are the players I would be shocked if they traded. Key Free Agents are the players they shouldn't let go. Anyways heres the picks!

1 Los Angeles Clippers: Blake Griffin Power Forward Oklahoma.

Draft Blurb: Will be the best mixed raced looking Power Forward ever drafted #1


Core Guys: Eric Gordon SG, Al Thorton SF

Key Free Agents: None

2Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet Center UCONN

Draft Blurb: Those are his condoms.


Core Guys: Mike Conley Jr PG, O.J. Mayo SG, Rudy Gay SF

Key Free Agents: Hakim Warrick PF

3Oklahoma City Thunder: Jordan Hill Power Forward Arizona

Draft Blurb: Was the toughest player in the Pac 10, which is like being the ''most well endowed midget.''

Core Guys: Russell Westbrook PG, Kevin Durant SG/SF, Jeff Green SF/PF

Key Free Agents: None

4Sacramento Kings: Earl Clark Power Forward Louisville

Draft Blub: Finally off Rick Pitino's payroll.

Core Guys: Kevin Martin SG, Jason Thompson C

Key Free Agents: Ike Diogu PF

5Washington Wizards: Ricky Rubio Point Guard Spain

Draft Blurb: Actual Quote describing Rubio-''I think he's a freak of nature, being so young and being so skilled and also so cool all the time. You can see that he knows what he's doing''- They said the same thing about John Holmes.

Core Guys: Gilbert Arenas PG, Caron Butler SF, JaVale McGee C

Key Free Agents: None

6Minnesota Timberwolves: Brandon Jennings Point Guard Europe

Draft Blurb: Can't read.

Core Guys: Randy Foye SG, Al Jefferson PF, Kevin Love C

Key Free Agents: None

7Golden State Warriors: Ty Lawson Point Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Was once arrested for playing music too loud in his car, the song- ''Pain is soo close to pleasure'' by Queen

Core Guys: Marco Bellinelli SG, Monta Ellis SG, Anthony Randolph PF, Andris Biedrins

Key Free Agents: None

8New York Knicks: Stephen Curry Point Guard Davidson

Draft Blurb: Appeared in Burger King Commercial at young age, was molested.

Core Guys: Chris Duhon PG, Danilo Gallinari SF

Key Free Agents: David Lee PF

9Toronto Raptors: James Harden Shooting Guard Arizona State

Draft Blurb: Played for AAU team ''Pump-N-Run'' a name inspired by Shawn Kemp and Calvin Murphy.

Core Guys: Jose Calderon PG, Chris Bosh PF, Andrea Bargnani C

Key Free Agents: None

10Milwaukee Bucks: Gani Lawal Power Forward Georgia Tech

Draft Blurb: Is just happy to get out of the south.

Core Guys: Michael Redd SG, Joe Alexander SF, Andrew Bogut C

Key Free Agents: Ramon Sessions PG, Charlie Villanueva PF

11New Jersey Nets: Tyreke Evans Shooting Guard Memphis

Draft Blurb: Lists ''Ebonics'' as his favorite college course.

Core Guys: Devin Harris PG, Sean Williams PF, Brook Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

12Charlotte Bobcats: DeMar DeRozan Shooting Guard USC

Draft Blurb: Being a member of Lil' Romeos posse will prove more profitable.

Core Guys: D.J. Augustin PG, Gerald Wallace SF, Emeka Okafor C

Key Free Agents: Raymond Felton PG

13Indiana Pacers: Eric Maynor Point Guard VCU

Draft Blurb: Larry Bird's happy hes not from OD-U.

Core Guys: Danny Granger SF

Key Free Agents: None

14Phoenix Suns: Jonny Flynn Point Guard Syracuse

Draft Blurb: Will be the Jules Winnfield to Nash's Vincent Vega.

Core Guys: Steve Nash PG, Robin Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

THE REST OF THESE GUYS ARN'T LOTTERY PICKS SO SCREW THE PICS.

15Detroit Pistons: Jeff Teague Point Guard Wake Forest

Draft Blurb: His Wikipedia page has not been updated since Jan.26th

Core Guys: Will Bynum PG, Arron Afflalo SG, Rodney Stuckey SG, Tayshaun Prince SF

Key Free Agents: None

16Chicago Bulls: B.J. Mullens Center Ohio St.

Draft Blurb: Will be nicknamed ''The Undertaker'' after playing like a 7ft. corpse.

Core Guys: Derrick Rose PG, Tyrus Thomas PF, Joakim Noah C

Key Free Agents: Ben Gordon SG

17Philadelphia 76ers: Patty Mills Point Guard St. Marys

Draft Blurb: Was named after his aunt.

Core Guys: Louis Williams SG, Andre Iguodala SF, Mareese Speights PF, Elton Brand PF

Key Free Agents: Andre Miller PG

18Minnesota Timberwolves: James Johnson Small Forward Geogia Tech

Draft Blurb: Hometown news paper will have headline ''Crack Baby makes good''.

19Atlanta Hawks: Taj Gibson Power Forward USC

Draft Blurb: Likes to spend free time learning to read.

Core Guys: Joe Johnson SG, Josh Smith SF, Al Horford C

Key Free Agents: Mike Bibby PG, Marvin Williams PF

20Utah Jazz: Chase Budinger Shooting Guard Arizona

Draft Blurb: ''We needed a white guy.''-Jerry Sloan

Core Guys: Deron Williams PG, C.J. Miles SF

Key Free Agents: Kyle Korver SG, Paul Milsap PF, Carlos Boozer PF

21New Orleans Hornets: Gerald Henderson Shooting Guard Duke

Draft Blurb: An excellent swimmer

Core Guys: Chris Paul PG

Key Free Agents: None

22Dallas Mavericks: Omri Casspi Small Forward Israel

Draft Blurb: Was teammate of former WVU pile of suck D'or Fischer.

Core Guys: Dirk Nowitski PF

Key Free Agents: Brandon Bass PF

23Sacramento Kings: Toney Douglas Point Guard Florida State

Draft Blurb: I just see a murder in his future...dunno why.

24Portland Trail Blazers: Wayne Ellington Shooting Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Woulda had a better night life with the Jail-Blazers.

Core Guys: Brandon Roy SG, LaMarcus Aldridge PF

Key Free Agents: None

25Oklahoma City Thunder: Darren Collison Point Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Thinks the ''Thunder'' thing is kinda gay.

26Chicago Bulls: Jeff Pendergraph Power Forward Arizona State

Draft Blog: Least intimidating name in the draft

27Memphis Grizzlies: DaJuan Summers Small Forward Georgetown

Draft Blurb: Wouldn't it be funnier if he was white.

28Minnesota Timberwolves: Jrue Holliday Shooting Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Best ''Jrue'' available.

29Los Angeles Lakers: DaJuan Blair Power Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: ESPN Columnist Dana O' Neil- ''He's a people collector''....so was John Wayne Gacy.

Core Guys: Pau Gasol PF, Andrew Bynum C

Key Free Agents: Kobe Bryant SG (Can Opt-Out)

30Cleveland Cavaliers: Tyler Hansbrough Power Forward UNC

Draft Blurb: Will attempt to imitate Mark Madsen's danceing, do the dice thing too much.

Core Guys: Lebron James SF, J.J. Hickson PF

Key Free Agents: None

(Other Teams w/o 1st Rounders)

34Denver Nuggets: AJ Price Point Guard UCONN

Draft Blurb: 2 arrests barely qualify him to play for Denver.

Core Guys: Chauncey Billups PG, J.R. Smith SG, Carmelo Anthony SF, Nene Hilario

Key Free Agents: Chris Anderson PF

37San Antonio Spurs: Sam Young Small Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: Will become huge fan favorite after punching out Manu in 1st practice.

Core Guys: Tony Longoria PG, Tim Duncan PF

Key Free Agents: None

43Miami Heat: Jon Brockman Power Forward Washington

Draft Blurb: Michael Beasley's DD.

Core Guys: Mario Chalmers PG, Dwayne Wade SG

Key Free Agents: None

58Boston Celtics: Alex Ruoff Shooting Guard WVU

Draft Blurb: (Points at Kevin Pittsnogle) (laughs)

Core Guys: Rajon Rondo PG, Ray Allen SG, Paul Pierce F, Kevin Garnett F, Kendrick Perkins C

Key Free Agents: Leon Powe PF, Glen Davis C

NO PICK: Orlando Magic

Core Guys: Jameer Nelson PG, Courtney Lee SG, Rashard Lewis SF, Dwight Howard C

Key Free Agents: Hedo Turkoglu PF, Marcin Gorat C

Draft Blurb: Desperate for attention on draft night, Stan Van Gundy will agree to give an interview in which he compares the porn industry to coaching basketball while wearing justa towel.