A Revolutionary Mailbag Part 1

(Unless you play middle infield, sorry Jose!)

So since I am suffering from what real writers call ''brainsallfuckedup'', I've decided to put the onus on you(points) the reader. So heres what happened.....

Q:"EA Sports' NCAA football 10 has "Road to Glory with Erin Andrews"... Please give us all you

know about this so-called "road" and whether it is infected or not"

Jim in Denver

A: Ah a question about the sideline princess herself. For those of you unaware Erin Andrews is the hot chick ESPN places on the sidelines in a feeble attempt to get 18-35 year old men to watch college football. She also covers the College World Series, which explains why I get an erection anytime I walk in a Dick's Sporting Goods.(PING!) I hope. To answer your question about her ''Road to Glory''. I would imagine it starts with some light ESPN banter, perhaps a few questions about whether she got Harold Reynolds fired. She'll laugh it off, but you'll know it's a ''yes''. Then after some more chit-chat you''ll ask ''Do you want to take roofies and come back to my place for some emotion-less sex?'' She'll laugh it off, but you''ll know its a ''yes''. Then you''ll roofie her. I imagine the next block on the ''Road to Glory'' is shaven and pink, possibly piecred,if thats what your into. Whether its infected? You'd have to ask David Wright.....or Rey Maualuga....or The entire 2007 Oregon State baseball team.....or Suzy Kolber.

Q:Who is the worse organization? Nats or Pirates?

Billy in Ann Arbor

A: This is a tough question, given my passion for the Nats. Like any relationship this passion can go one of two ways. Johnny and June Cash- loving, supportive and long lasting or Andre Rison and Lisa ''Left Eye'' Lopes- HateFucking and Burning Down Mansions. So i'll answer it from both sides of my brain.

Cash Side: The Pirates are certainly the worse organization. What other organization has been completely inept and given more ''fuck-yous'' to their fans than the Pirates? Plus, its a known fact that God hates Pittsburgh and the Pirates are his way for making up for the Satans deathgrip on the NFL.

Setting Back Their Race 200 years side: FUCKIN NATIONALS! YOU KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY FUCK YOU TRADES? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD PLAYERS! NATIONALS PARK IS A FUCKING TOURIST ATTRACTION ON PAR WITH THE NATIONAL FUCKING PETTING ZOO AND THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM/SHOOTING RANGE! FUCK!

Verdict: Well that was rational, I guess it comes down to the Nyjer ''don't mispronounce my name cracker'' Morgan/ Sean Burnett for Lastings Milledge/Joel ''suck'' Hanrahan trade and whether the Nats sign Stephen Strasburg. Right now, GO NATS!

Q:What is your detailed solution to fix the BCS?

Bill in Morgantown

A: Dissolve the Big 10.

Better Know a Network Douchebag- Chris Berman

Age: 54

Height: 5-10ish

Weight: 350ish

Years at ESPN: 30

Famous Catchphrases: ''Back-back-back-back''; Various inaudible huffing and puffing; ''Your with me leather.''

Berman in his own words: ''You know I'd like to think i've made an impact over my career at ESPN. (sweats profusely) Not only have I been at this network since it's inception I.... (inaudible huffing and puffing for next 15 minutes).....and ofcourse im sorry to that hookers family.....Go Bills!''

RAY KNIGHT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi everybody! I'm Ray Knight former Cinncinatti Reds manager!

(looks into wrong camera)

Get it on!

So for anyone who doesn't follow Ric Bucher on Twitter, shit has gone down. A bunch of crappy bench guys were traded by Minnesota and Washington, but somehow the T-Wolves ended up with the #5 overall pick, while all the Wiz got was a overrated white guy and a guy who, when asked ''Who would you most like to meet?'' answered ''My parents.'' Lets just move on, in other news Portland sent 2 2nd rounders to Dallas to move up 2 spots....to 22, apparently to draft an Israli guy. I wish I made this shit up. In this little diddy im going to take 2 guys from my each 3rd of my mockdraft that I would want my team to draft. If they hadn't traded their 1st rounder. For an orphan.

Guys I Like

1-10

Jonny Flynn-

If ''balls'' was a measurable stat, this guy would be #1. He's quick as shit and played in the toughest conference in the country.

Ricky Rubio-

I know i've talked about him alot, but he just strikes me as the one guy in this draft thats going to get a GM fired for passing on him.

11-20

DeJuan Blair-

He's better right now than 60% of NBA big men and better than 100% of all backups. Is going to be a great pick for a team thats close to contention.

Eric Maynor-

A expierenced, tough playmaker who won me over when he elimadated Duke from the NCAA's a few years back.

21-30

Ty Lawson-

He was the go-to guy on the best team in the country and his skills project to the NBA, will be running a playoff team by January.

Josh Heytvelt-

As I've said, hes 6-11 and fucking skilled! How is this guy not going in the top 10! Oh yea the drug thing......

NBA Mock Draft 2009- The shit hits the fan

I have a completely unwarrented man crush on Ricky Rubio. I've never seen him play live, like Stephen Curry or Ty Lawson. I actually haven't seen any video of him besides Zapruder-level Youtube tape. Doesn't every basketball player in the country have highlight tape? I'm waiting for mine ''Stu's greatest 12 foot set shots, floor dives, and flagrant fouls-The Remixxxxx!'' That being said, I want this guy to be good, I want to hear Charles Barkley attempt to say

''Rik-ky R-you-b-o'' for the next 10 years. I want to see Steve Nash drop the title of ''Best Point Guard Alive'' to him. NBA GM's underestimate great point guard play. Why else would Rajon Rondo be tradable? Speaking of trades Richard Jefferson's already been traded for Crap, Crap, and Bruce Bowen's corpse. Shaq, Amare, and pretty much everone else in the NBA is on the market. The financial shape of the NBA is bending teams over like their spending a night in Colorado with Kobe.(Shoots paper at trashcan) With all that being said, and with the understanding that there will be a shit ton of trades and buying of draft picks, heres the mock draft.

1. LA Clippers- Blake Griffin PF

-Will join Jason Kidd as the only ''Mocha'' colored guys in the NBA, not be so pussy whipped.

2. Memphis Grizzlies- Hasheen Thabeet C

-I can't even think of a whitty joke, this guy is fucking terrible offensively.

3. Zombie Sonics- Ricky Rubio PG

-(Prepares 500 word rimjob about Rubio-Durant combo)

4. Sacramento Kings- Jordan Hill PF

-The Maloofs are drunk enough to think their getting Grant Hills' son.

5. Washington Wizards- Jonny Flynn PG

-Stu Scott thinks ''J-FLY'' is an excellent addition.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves- Jrue Holliday PG

-Guys that don't score 10ppg in college are always good choices.

7. Golden State Warriors- James Harden SG

-Nellie likes him after 9 beers.

8. New York Knicks- Stephen Curry PG

-Stephen A. Smith will yell for the next 2 hours.

9. Toronto Raptors- Tyreke Evans SG

-With a name like that he must be good.

10. Bucks- Demar DeRozen SG

-They don't fucking deserve the city name, plus I can't spell Milwalkee.

11. New Jersey Nets- DeJuan Blair PF

-The anti-Thabeet, I think he will be a very good NBA player.

12. Charlotte Bobcats- Terrence Williams SG

-Larry Brown just benched him for being ''too athletic''.

13. Indiana Pacers- Gerald Henderson SG

-Bird wanted a white guy.

14. Phoenix Suns- James Johnson SF

-They'll sell the pick for $8,675,309. (I want it! I want it!)

15. Detroit Pistons- Brandon Jennings PG

-Nice to see the guy who didn't go to college gets a job in Detroit.

16. Chicago Bulls- B.J. Mullens C

-So I have a blow job joke, a Undertaker joke, and a Robert Swift joke ready.

17. Philadelphia 76er's- Earl Clark SF

-Has been compared to Tim Thomas. Seriously.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves- Omri Casspi SF

-Ipssac Irmo would've been a better choice

19. Atlanta Hawks- Eric Maynor PG

-Player least likely to fight dogs.

20. Utah Jazz- Chase Budinger SG

-''insert racist joke here''

21. New Orleans Hornets- Austin Daye SF

-At 6-10 will have a chance to make it out when the next flood hits.

22. Dallas Mavericks- Sam Young SF

-Is actually 77 years old.

23. Sacramento Kings- Ty Lawson PG

-With the Maloof's passed out in a pile of hookers and blow, the NBA steps in and selects one of the 10 best players in the draft.

24. Portland Trailblazers- Tyler Hansbrough PF

-The yin to Odens yang. Of suck.

25. The team that shall not be named- Nick Calathes SG

-When this guy is your ''MJ'' you suck.

26. Chicago Bulls- Jeff Teague PG

-Has no discernable skill.

27. Memphis Grizzlies- Jon Brockman PF

-Subscribes to the ''Bust/White guy'' style of drafting twice.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wayne Ellington SG

-(recycles blues singer joke)

29. LA Lakers- Jonas Jerebko SF

-Luke Walton thinks this Jonas is dreamy.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers- Josh Heytvelt PF

-6-11, can shoot, has been arrested for possession of psychedelic mushrooms.

NBA Draft Prospects top 30- with comparisons!

Not Pictured: the flaming pile of dogshit Kwame brought on the court everytime out

With the NBA Draft coming up on Thursday I am in 2 words, fucking giddy. Drafts are like Christmas for blowhards like me, I get to see overmatched GMs give millions of $$$ to guys their not even sure of. With that said heres my top 30 players, based on who I would draft. I'm a fan of the tier system because alot of these guys rate out the same.

Tier 1 (Franchise Players)

1. Blake Griffin- Karl Malone

2. Ricky Rubio- Steve Nash

Tier 2 (Multiple time All-Stars)

3. Tyreke Evans- Jason Richardson

4.Eric Maynor- Brandon Roy

5. James Harden- Rip Hamilton

6. Jonny Flynn- John Starks

Tier 3 (Solid Starters)

7. DeJuan Blair- Charles Oakley

8. Ty Lawson- Jameer Nelson

9. Stephen Curry- Mo Williams

10. Jordan Hill- Ty Thomas

11.Earl Clark- Rashard Lewis

12.Brandon Jennings- Gilbert Arenas

13. Gerald Henderson- Vince Carter

14. Jeff Teague- Rafer Alston

15. James Johnson- Andre Inguodala

Tier 4 (Solid Rotation guys)

16. Sam Young- Jeff Posey

17. Wayne Ellington- Courtney Lee

18. Chase Budinger- Mike Miller

19. Tyler Hansbrough- Glen Davis

20. Toney Douglas- Ben Gordan

21. Josh Heytvelt- Hedo Turkalou

22. Darren Collison- Jordan Farmar

23. Derrick Brown- Bruce Bowen

24. Tyrese Rice- Nick Van Excel

25. Dajuan Summers- Jeff Green

Tier 5 (Projects)

26. Hasheem Thabeet- Manute Bol

27. DeMarr DeRozen- Tracy McGrady

28. B.J. Mullens- A 7ft Corpse

29. Jrue Holliday- O.J. Mayo

30. Austin Daye- Tayshaun Prince

What Happened to the White Basketball player?

Where the hell did all the white NBA players go? No I don't mean crazy stripper banging Dirk Nowitski and the rest of the flopping overseas players. Those guys are bitches. Has there even been a great white player in the last 15 years? This isn't a race thing....im fine with the blacks(thats what they prefer right?) being a good portion of the league. White guys dominate the rosters in baseball, blacks can have basketball. But still, theres not one white american player thats a NBA star, a guy who you would say is a future Hall of Famer. Sure theres ''role players'', the ''scrappy'', ''tough'', ''crafty'' 3-point shooters and hustle guys. But looking on the court and seeing Luke Walton, J.J. Redick, and.... yea thats it. Off of the top of my head those are the only even decent white players I can think of. Theres no Larry Birds, no Bill Waltons, none, FUCKING NONE. How the hell did we get to this point?

The root of the problem goes to the 90's, when most of the current crop of young NBA stars were growing up. The black kids had Jordan, and Pippen, and everyone else. White kids had Rex Chapman and old Tom Chambers highlights. This continued into the 2000's they have Kobe, we get Austin Crochere. Why if your a good white athlete would you want to be a basketball player? Why become Brian Scalabrine when you could be Mark McGwire or Peyton Manning?

/ Dick Joke

The Return

(Alice Coopers ''Poison'' blares through the arena speakers)
What! Ohmygod! Thats!....Thats Stus music! and he looks pissed!


So after a brief flirtation with being the Washington Nationals team blogger for the site fansided.com I have decided to just stick with blogspot. I was offered the ''job'', but turned it down because well....I would be edited. Not just in the sense of correcting my punctuation(which I need) but my language and content, which I think makes me unique. Anyone can write ''Nick Johnson went 1-4.'' but it takes a real talent to notice his Harry Reames-like porn stache. Anyways I will be posting on here more often from now on. Here is unedited, the sample I gave fansided.


Theres still hope: 5 Ways to Root for The Washington Nationals the Rest of 2009

The Washington Nationals are the worst team in baseball. That has been painfully obvious to anyone who has watched Austin Kearns drop a routine fly ball or Joel Hanrahan blow another fucking save! However, there is hope. No this is not going to be another post that sucks off Stephen Strasburg, nor will it be one that bashes him. There are positive things going on with this team, and more importantly this organization. With that said here are a few things to root for the rest of the season-

1. Root for Adam Dunn- ‘’Big Donkey’’ has given us our 1st real star since the abortion that was the Alfonso Soriano Expierence. He probably will never hit .300, but he will hit 40 homers, get on baseball at a .400 clip, and just in general be a big(6-6 280lb) and likeable dude. At age 29 he is the perfect guy to build around, we have our clean-up hitter.

2. Root for Ryan Zimmerman- This one might seem obvious, but the man really struggled last year, and had a lot of people questioning if he could eve make the leap into the class of David Wright and Evan Longoria. This year he has come through with a impressive .314-12-42.

3. Root for Stan Kasten- The man who built the 90’s Braves teams is now running our organization, and he might hold the key to our future in his already accomplished hands. I love Nick Johnson, going back to his days as a solid left handed pinch hitter on MLB High Heat 99. The guy is a professional hitter and a solid defensive 1st baseman. That being said when I see him I don’t see Nick Johnson, I see (Red Sox-uber prospects) Justin Masterson or Clay Bucholtz or Michael Bowden. I see the same thing in Christian Guzman. These guys have gone out and played hard, without complaint everyday. But they are more valuable to us as trade bait for young players. I am not saying go out and make a Nate McLouth ‘’fuck you’’ trade. But with Stan Kasten at the helm the trade deadline on July 31st could be a hell of a party for us.

4. Root for the other Zimmermann- Despite his 5.37 ERA this year, everytime I watch Jordan Zimmermann pitch I get more excited. He throws hard, he strikes out more than a batter an inning, and his demeanor never changes on the mound. Aslong as he continues to improve he can become a Orel Hershiser-type ace.

5. Root for each other- The Nationals fans I have met are, by and large, die-hard fans. We are young, we are knowledgeble, and we are enthusiastic. We know this team is a few years away, but we can’t help but point to Dunn, and Kasten, and the Zimmermanns and see that we are not going to be down long.

A special message to Pirates fans from GM Neal Huntington

FUCK YOU!

Tired Tired Stu

So i've gotten 4hrs of sleep since Sunday, in a REAL great place mentally.....

The Headlines

06/03

1. Memphis Tigers find no proof Rose cheated on SAT.

-(calls bullshit)

2. Rangers OF Hamilton goes on DL with abdominal strain

- (heroin joke/starts singing rehab)

3. Stern wants chat with LeBron on snub

- Tomorrows headline ''LeBron found dead in NY Apartment owned by NBA Commish Stern''

4. Ochocinco calls 08 an embarassment

- And 07-86

5. Sharapova out in French Open

- Crosses ''French Open'' off of things i could possibly jerk it to

Stuonshit inKredible KlassiKs

Last fall i wrote some sports for a ''mens'' site my buddy Justin was trying to start....the following is how i busted my writing cherry......

Killing the sacred cow.

By

Big Stu


‘’Growing old is just a helpless hurt’’-Willie Mays


Theres no doubt that from 1982-1999 Cal Ripken Jr. was one of the best players in the game of baseball, a national treasure and ambassador for the game. But for the last 2 years of his career….Man did he suck. And because he was the great ‘’Cal’’ no one had the heart to tell him or the balls to criticize him. Not the fans, not the media, not the Orioles management. He grounded into double plays like it was going outta style. Porn actors have more range than he had at the end of his career. Some people will say he ‘’deserved’’ those last 2 years of grounders whizzing by his arthritic ankles and fastballs blowing by his church league softball swing. But didn’t the fans that had supported him and made him rich and famous deserve to see their hero get a proper exit? I understand that some athletes lose it outta nowhere. Not everyone can have John Elway’s story book exit, going out as the leader of the best team in football. Its not like he lead them that well in his last 2 years (combined record 137-186). Would he be remembered better by most of the general public if he had retired after the 1999 season, when he hit a career high .340? Probably not. But would he have saved younger fans that were just getting into baseball at the time the disappointment of seeing one of the games greats diminish his own legacy? Yes. Should he have learned from Willie Mays quote above? Yes. But I guess when everyone around you is still referring to you as ‘’The Legendary’’ like it’s a pro wrestling gimmick, u would start to believe your own shit. On Oct. 6th 2001 Ripken’s career ended, not while he was carried off on his teammates shoulders, like Elway, or by sinking the title clinching shot, like MJ, but watching at the end of another losing season from the on-deck circle as Brady Anderson swung and missed. Every one of his fans deserved better….although none would ever admit it.

Its time for a gimmick......

So 6 posts in the month of May eh?.......Yes, I have begun blogging bi-weekly since school let out.Not because im soo busy or anything, trust me im not. Its just between reading ESPN, Deadspin, KSK, Twitter and listening to Adam Carolla's podcast.......my mind gets too polluted. So I harkened back to my pro wrestling roots and decided I need a gimmick, something to do when the wheels aren't turning so fast, this will be like Mick Foley pulling Socko out...cheap jokes...dumb fun....also this will end my constant ''did u see the semen joke!'' questions from now on out.......so lady(you know who you are) and gentlemen.......The Headlines(with dick jokes!)

The Headlines(with dick jokes!)

6/2/09

1.Memphis notified of Rose's SAT in 2008

- You mean to tell me John Calipari could've done something dishonest? Noooooooooo!

2. Phil Mickelson to return June 11 in Memphis

- Good to see another set of tits is gonna be back on the men's tour

3. Tom Brady's doc impressed with QB's rehab

- He's also impressed with how quickly Brady Quinn's rugburns heal

4. Vince Young wants to play or move on

- Kerry Collins just tryed to bomb VY's church

5. Tennesse Vols QB Jonathan Crompton received death threats in 2008

- To be fair he did go 5-7 last year....im just sayin...

and now......

THE BIG HEADLINE!

Manning adjusting to new-look WR corps

This story is a pre-emptive effort to makes excuses when Eli Manning sucks this season. Look he had a 57 year Amani Toomer last year and Plaxico ''the stereotype'' Burress. I know thats not much, but this story seems to suggest that they should've traded for a stone-handed Braylon Edwards( do these fuckers watch football! This guy is more useless than the guy that Donte Stallworth hit!) or Anquan ''Baby T.O.'' Boldin. Look at what Eli has at wideout this year.

This years 1st rounder and WVU Rapist Hakeem Nicks

2006 2nd rounder Sinorice Moss

2007 2nd rounder Steve Smith

2008 3rd rounder Mario Manningham

This years 3rd rounder Ramses Barden

(allow me to rant on ESPN a lil)

WHO GIVES A FUCK! YOU FUCKING MANNING-LOVING COCKSUCKERS! HES GOT 5 GUYS THAT WERE 1ST DAY PICKS! OOOOOOHHHH NOOOO WHATS POOR FUCKIN ELI GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS TALENT! HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA LETS THROW SOME NAMES OUT OF GUYS WHOSE TEAMS DONT WANT THEM AND HAVE'T BEEN THAT GOOD FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS! THAT WAY WHEN ELI THROWS 3 INTERCEPTIONS INTO THE WIND WITH HIS PUSSY ASS ARM WE CAN BLAME IT ON THE BEST FUCKING GM IN THE LEAGUE FOR NOT TRADING FOR THESE USELESS PRIMA DONNA FUCKS!

(that was orgasmic)

Things are gonna pick up on this little street corner, keep reading and thanks for the support.