I have a completely unwarrented man crush on Ricky Rubio. I've never seen him play live, like Stephen Curry or Ty Lawson. I actually haven't seen any video of him besides Zapruder-level Youtube tape. Doesn't every basketball player in the country have highlight tape? I'm waiting for mine ''Stu's greatest 12 foot set shots, floor dives, and flagrant fouls-The Remixxxxx!'' That being said, I want this guy to be good, I want to hear Charles Barkley attempt to say
''Rik-ky R-you-b-o'' for the next 10 years. I want to see Steve Nash drop the title of ''Best Point Guard Alive'' to him. NBA GM's underestimate great point guard play. Why else would Rajon Rondo be tradable? Speaking of trades Richard Jefferson's already been traded for Crap, Crap, and Bruce Bowen's corpse. Shaq, Amare, and pretty much everone else in the NBA is on the market. The financial shape of the NBA is bending teams over like their spending a night in Colorado with Kobe.(Shoots paper at trashcan) With all that being said, and with the understanding that there will be a shit ton of trades and buying of draft picks, heres the mock draft.
1. LA Clippers- Blake Griffin PF
-Will join Jason Kidd as the only ''Mocha'' colored guys in the NBA, not be so pussy whipped.
2. Memphis Grizzlies- Hasheen Thabeet C
-I can't even think of a whitty joke, this guy is fucking terrible offensively.
3. Zombie Sonics- Ricky Rubio PG
-(Prepares 500 word rimjob about Rubio-Durant combo)
4. Sacramento Kings- Jordan Hill PF
-The Maloofs are drunk enough to think their getting Grant Hills' son.
5. Washington Wizards- Jonny Flynn PG
-Stu Scott thinks ''J-FLY'' is an excellent addition.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves- Jrue Holliday PG
-Guys that don't score 10ppg in college are always good choices.
7. Golden State Warriors- James Harden SG
-Nellie likes him after 9 beers.
8. New York Knicks- Stephen Curry PG
-Stephen A. Smith will yell for the next 2 hours.
9. Toronto Raptors- Tyreke Evans SG
-With a name like that he must be good.
10. Bucks- Demar DeRozen SG
-They don't fucking deserve the city name, plus I can't spell Milwalkee.
11. New Jersey Nets- DeJuan Blair PF
-The anti-Thabeet, I think he will be a very good NBA player.
12. Charlotte Bobcats- Terrence Williams SG
-Larry Brown just benched him for being ''too athletic''.
13. Indiana Pacers- Gerald Henderson SG
-Bird wanted a white guy.
14. Phoenix Suns- James Johnson SF
-They'll sell the pick for $8,675,309. (I want it! I want it!)
15. Detroit Pistons- Brandon Jennings PG
-Nice to see the guy who didn't go to college gets a job in Detroit.
16. Chicago Bulls- B.J. Mullens C
-So I have a blow job joke, a Undertaker joke, and a Robert Swift joke ready.
17. Philadelphia 76er's- Earl Clark SF
-Has been compared to Tim Thomas. Seriously.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves- Omri Casspi SF
-Ipssac Irmo would've been a better choice
19. Atlanta Hawks- Eric Maynor PG
-Player least likely to fight dogs.
20. Utah Jazz- Chase Budinger SG
-''insert racist joke here''
21. New Orleans Hornets- Austin Daye SF
-At 6-10 will have a chance to make it out when the next flood hits.
22. Dallas Mavericks- Sam Young SF
-Is actually 77 years old.
23. Sacramento Kings- Ty Lawson PG
-With the Maloof's passed out in a pile of hookers and blow, the NBA steps in and selects one of the 10 best players in the draft.
24. Portland Trailblazers- Tyler Hansbrough PF
-The yin to Odens yang. Of suck.
25. The team that shall not be named- Nick Calathes SG
-When this guy is your ''MJ'' you suck.
26. Chicago Bulls- Jeff Teague PG
-Has no discernable skill.
27. Memphis Grizzlies- Jon Brockman PF
-Subscribes to the ''Bust/White guy'' style of drafting twice.
28. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wayne Ellington SG
-(recycles blues singer joke)
29. LA Lakers- Jonas Jerebko SF
-Luke Walton thinks this Jonas is dreamy.
30. Cleveland Cavaliers- Josh Heytvelt PF
-6-11, can shoot, has been arrested for possession of psychedelic mushrooms.
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