Stu on Shit

DRUNKEN THOUGHTS 8/8/09

2009-08-08T01:27:00.005-04:00

(In an effort to prove im good in any condition, heres my drunken thoughts.

Fuck Peter King.)

- I think Michael Crabtree is only holding out because hes a pussy.

- I think any beer pong shot ''off the dick'' is hilarious.

- I think that we need to get rolling on the nfl previews again soon,

- I think blogging would be a great career if it paid better.

- I think radio is the right career choice for me, I never shut up.

- I think the Nationals are headed in the right direction.

- I think Stephen Strasburg has more bust potential than a 1st wet dream.

-I think I will retract that statment from the record if he does sign with the Nats.

-I think drunkenly drinking a 5hr energy drink instead of just passing out was a bad idea, but not like the kind of bad idea that results in an abortion.

I think i'll go play video games now.

(masturbates furiously)

A special message from......SHARK

2009-08-02T21:12:00.005-04:00

Whats up muther fuckers! Goddamn im drunk! You know why im drunk? You better know why! ITS MUTHER FUCKIN SHARK WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been drinkin Land Shark and hittin every piece of sweet shark pussy thats come my way!

(Eats semi-attractive teenager)

So out of the kindness of my heart, and to promote my mouther-fuckin week, i've decided to promote this blog for Stu. He'll be back when......well I actually dunno when he'll be back, prolly some time after mother fucking SHARK WEEK! RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This Seasons Dunn- What the Nationals should do at the trade deadline

2009-07-26T18:22:00.006-04:00

(Im about to do Stan Kasten's job for him.)

So the Nats won today. Wooooo! Win #30! Bring out the coke and strippers! Having reached that tragically tough to attain total, I have a message for Nationals Team President Stan Kasten-

BURN THIS MOTHER-FUCKER TO THE GROUND!!!!!!!!

I know, this may seem irrational, childish, and incredibly short-sighted- but it needs to be done. Don't worry Stan, you don't need to leave the office. I'll do the scouting. I'll bring you the ideas. Just fucking do it, before im forced to run on the field and get physical with Mike McDougal.

1. Trade OF Josh Willingham to the Reds for LHP Daniel Herrera and RHP Homer Bailey.

Yes, I know Willingham is having a breakout season, but everytime he comes up in an important spot, he chokes. He will never be more coveted, especially by the OF needy Reds. Herrera(2.97 ERA) has been solid out of the pen, and Bailey is former highly regarded prospect who the Reds have given up on.

2. Trade OF Austin Kearns to the Cubs, Cubs trade OF Milton Bradley to the Tigers, Tigers trade LHP Mauricio Robles to the Nationals.

Kearns is expensive and terrible, but a all-around good guy. Bradley is expensive, slightly less terrible, and a complete headcase. But the Tigers are fucking desperate. Who the fuck is Robles you ask? A 20 yr old left handed starter thats been decent in High-A ball. I would say thats a good haul for a guy hitting .196.

3. Trade OF Adam Dunn and LHP Joe Beimel to the Yankees for RHP's Phil Hughes,Ian Kennedy, Andrew Brackman, and C Francisco Cervelli.

The Yankees will be, as usual, aggressive at the deadline. Dunn was made to play in ''The House that Roids Built.'' Beimel will give NY a 2nd lefty in the pen'. As for the Nats haul, Hughes has started to put things together out of the pen, Kennedy was terrible when called up last year but has been dominating AAA, Brackman has been terrible in low-A ball but is a former #1 draft choice with a 99mph heater. Cervelli is a decent catcher prospect.

4. Trade 1B Nick Johnson and SS Cristian Guzman to the Red Sox for RHP's Justin Masterson and Daniel Bard, LHP Dustin Richardson, and 1B Lars Anderson.

The Red Sox have already been active, acquiring Chris Duncan and Adam LaRoche, 2 guys who both hit left handed and play 1st base. That said, Nick Johnson's a major upgrade. Cristian Guzman will fill the Sox long standing hole at SS. On the Nats side of things, Masterson's a solid righty who would get a chance to start in Washington. Bard throws 100 and looks like a future closer. Richardson is a set-up prospect putting up good #s at AA. Anderson projects as a future ''.280 35hr''-type hitter.

5. Trade UTIL Willie Harris and LHP Ron Villone to the Rays for SS Reid Brignac and LHP Darin Downs.

Harris and Villone are 2 guys that, while helpful to contenders, are pretty useless to a young team like the Nats. Brignac might never be an All-Star, but could hit .280 with solid D. Downs has been good in High-A ball.

Today, I am the greatest of all-time-

Rickey Henderson

July Mailbag....Riding Down the Road to Glory

2009-07-25T12:07:00.004-04:00

(This road is also white, moist, and hairless)

Jesus Tits has shit gone down this month. Apparently my blog is read by more than.....me. Steve McNair was tragically killed on the 4th of July, Oscar Mayer died, Erin Andrews was found all nekkid on the internet, and someone made the wild allegation that Ben Roethlisberger knows how to use his dick. There are many questions to be answered, and while i'm probably not the guy who should be answering them, fuck it I will anyway.

Q: Give us, your readers, your thoughts on the leaked Erin Andrews video that was out on the net.
Jim in Denver

A: I'll look at this from 2 sides.....rational human being......and giant horndog.....1st the rational.

Rational mans thoughts: Is it not weird that some websites like deadspin that usually have no problem objectifying EA's hotness when shes wearing clothes were outraged when this video came out? It's like the sideline princess was their innocent hot friend who happened to be female. She was nice, somewhat funny, and very beautiful. There's a little sister complex there, but at the same time you wanna be that guy. When she starts dating a guy you don't know....what else is your reaction going to be but WHAT! WHO THE FUCK!? Besides that, it is fucking creepy to put a camera in someones hotel room.

Giant horndogs second by second thoughts:

0:01- COOOOCCCCHHH!

0:02- MOVE YOU HANDS!

0:03- HOLY SHIT IT IS HER!

0:04- ITS.....SOOOO....BRIGHT!

0:05- THIS IS GETTING DISSAPOINTING!

0:06- HEY COMEBACK!

(goes to youporn)

Q: Will Coley White always be compared to Pat and if he isn't as good as Pat will he flame out like Marcus Vick?

Julian in Martinsburg

A: Yes, in everyway possible Coley will be compared to Pat. The one advantage he has is that, since we have Jarrett Brown nothing is needed of him this year. As for flaming out, I think he'll be more of a Dan McGwire type. Professonal level player, just terrible. To flame out as bad as Marcus, Coley would need to catch his entire body on fire with just a bong.

Q: Do you think Brett Favre will make his second non-Packers comeback with the Vikings?

Jim in Denver

A: I think the answer is ofcourse, he just doesn't want to go through training camp, like every other fucking NFL player does. Although wouldn't it be great if on July 31st he just announced ''You know what it was fun leading ESPN on this wild goose chase that whole time, Eric Mangini sucked the desire to play football out of me like I was a jelly donut or Bill Belicheck's cock. Consider yourselves owned.''

Q: Do you think Travis Henry should be required to pay his millions of dollars in child support even though he's not in the NFL anymore and will TLC ever air a show called ''Travis Henry + 11''?

Matt in Hedgesville

A: I think men should be able to spread their seed as they please, without consequence. Travis Henry wasn't the one that got pregnant. As for ''Travis Henry + 11'' I could definately see that airing between ''True Life: I love auto-erotica'' and ''Dr. Drews 14 year old meth heads'' on ''channel 666- The Hell Network'' someday

Q:How can Ravens fans talk shit on the Steelers after losing not once....not twice but THREE TIMES to the Super Bowl champions of the world?

Jules from Pittsburgh

A: Our main gripe with Steeler fans is not the fact that you beat us 3 times last year. Honestly I would've been shocked had we gone into Pittsburgh with a rookie QB and won. It really has nothing to do with on the field play. If the Ravens are not playing I will watch the Steelers because it's the same style of football. I have 2 problems with Steeler fans. 1st is the blind faith. Ben Roethlisberger is essentially the evolution of Phil Simms. He asked not to lose games, keep drives going, and win. He's very good at that, but he just isn't a top tier QB. My 2nd and much bigger problem is the bandwagon jumping. Listen I get it, in the area we live in theres going to be a ton Steelers fans. But my god, it was like after the Red Sox won in 2004 last year, every dueche bag on campus was wearing his ''7'' jersey and talking about how good a receiver ''Hank Ward'' is. Plus it's the NFL, nothing says the roles won't be reversed this year. GO RAVENS!

Last Call

2009-07-24T20:34:00.002-04:00

Last Call for mailbag questions.....

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Dallas Cowboys

2009-07-23T22:39:00.006-04:00

(Jealous of Romo's friendship with his Tight End, Jessica Simpson eats Jason Witten!)

Offensive Outlook: This team will only go as far as Tony Romo can take them. On the surface this offense has a ton weapons, but still needs to establish a threat opposite Roy Williams, who is also a question mark.

Defensive Outlook: The Cowboys have a awesome front 7. The 3 solid pluggers on the line and 4 playmakers at linebacker will carry the defense. These 7 cannot help the shittyness that is the Dallas secondary.

Off-season: T.O. , Greg Ellis, and Jessica Simpson are out. Twelve 2nd day draft choices are in-all of whom suck. Wade Phillips is still the head coach, presumably so Jerry Jones can stress him into a heart attack.

Predictions:

JS: 8-8

BS: 9-7

32 Teams in 16 Daze- St. Louis Rams

2009-07-23T22:01:00.003-04:00

(Where the fuck did all of this go?)

Offense: The Rams used to have one of the top offenses in the game. Even a few years ago it was good enough to get them into the playoffs. Marc Bulger will be the QB for probably one more year. When he has an offensive line to protect him, he is a great QB. But nobody can throw the ball from their back, unless you are Ben Roethlisberger in Vegas being ridden by some crazy woman. Anyways, Stephen Jackson is great, when he isn't injured. They still need a #1 receiver as Donnie Avery isn't a clear #1.

Defense: The Rams have a convicted murderer on their team as well as some other choice players.(Editors Note: I think Leonard Little is in for a killer season.) The defense is pretty good if you ask me, but when a defense is on the field for 40 minutes per game, they wont be that good.

Offseason: If one of your key offseason additions is Kyle Boller, you didn't have a great offseason. The one good move that they made is drafting Jason Smith. He could be the real deal.

Overall: The Rams are heading in a good direction, but they still have a ways to go. They can compete this year if the injury bug doesn't hit them like it has the last few years.

Predictions:

BS: 5-11

JS: 6-10

A special message from ESPN Czar Norby Williamson

2009-07-22T23:24:00.003-04:00

Hello blog reader! I'm Norby Williamson, the guy responsible for all the fantastic, family friendly programming at ESPN! We here at ESPN are happy to announce that we are now covering this Ben Roethlisberger situation. We even were able to plug one of our shows in the announcement. GO DISNEY! In other news since John Clayton and Mort' were unable to read the A.P. story about these terrible accusations, we had to hire the Stus for a day to read it. So no mean spirited, potty mouthed posts today! YAYYY!

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Oakland Raiders

2009-07-21T23:28:00.004-04:00

( No Caption Needed)

Offensive Outlook: I would like to reference something I said before JaMarcus Russell became the No. 1 overall draft choice a few years ago. ''HE FUCKING SUCKS!'' I spoke in all caps back then, and even as a older more mature football fan I still believe he fucking sucks. For the Raiders to have any chance this year, they are going to have to give 250 carries each to Darren McFadden, Justin Fargas, and Michael Bush.

Defensive Outlook: The Raiders are incredibly solid in the front 7. Burress and Kelly are potential Pro Bowlers. They only have 3/4th of a secondary.

Offseason: The reason they have 3/4th of a secondary, because in the 2nd round they decided to select a safety(Michael Mitchell) who would've been lucky to even be drafted. The Darrius Heyward-Bey selection in the 1st round was almost as atrocious. Jeff Garcia was brought in to attract the ''bald elf lovers'' demographic.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 2-14

32 Teams in 16 Daze- San Francisco 49ers

2009-07-21T23:00:00.005-04:00

(not pictured:talent)

Offense: Mike Martz really fucked this team over last season by going with his happy go lucky shoot myself in the foot offense. This year though, someone actually knows the talent that is on the team. With Shaun Hill playing don't screw up football, I think this team could do some damage, they have a great though often injured RB in Frank Gore, they have talented receivers, and they have an athletic "soldier like" TE in Vernon Davis. ( Does anyone else think he looks like Ahmed Johnson?)

Defense: Their defense is average. I think they will be able to get enough stops. Patrick Willis is a beast and their strength is stopping the run.

offseason: They had a good draft and got a great steal in future all world wide out Michael Crabtree.

Overall: I think that the 49ers get just enough defensive support to help their offense and win enough games. Plus, they get the NFC North and the AFC South this year. So anything is possible.

Predictions:

BS: 9-7

JS: 11-5

Weighing in on Erin Andrews, Ben's Lawsuit and ESPN proving it leads nothing.

2009-07-21T18:20:00.003-04:00

(This could get ugly)

I'll start with Erin Andrews-the sideline princess, for those of you who are unawhere or female, was in a 6 second nude video. A pervert used some wiring system to video tape her. I'll let you guys do your own sleuthing for now, as I don't want to step on this weekends mailbag(PLUG!).

Last night, as I was making one last sweep of the intrawebs I stumbled half awake upon this message on Twitter: ''Ben Roethlisberger accused of sexual assualt.'' My reaction-

HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm woken up immediately, my 1st thought, and im proud of this part -was that a rich, popular professional athlete POSSIBLY took advantage of an innocent woman. It was the same reaction I had when I heard about Kobe Bryant's legal issue a few years back. My 2nd reaction, well.....

SUSPEND THIS MOTHER-FUCKER!

FUCK THE STEELERS!

GO RAVENS!

WOOOOOOOOO!

In other words, these things are touchy legal issues, with many large words I don't understand. http://profootballtalk.com is all over this one, check out the latest there.

Now this story is not just blog rumors, NBC now owns PFT, which is a pretty credible source. The AP has picked up the story. This is a legitimate news story. Yet one once poweful source of breaking news is mum on the issue.......ESPN. Why? Well there are many theories, the 1st 2 sources to report this story are noted ESPN enemies(Deadspin and PFT). Ben Roethlisberger is an ESPN favorite. ESPN could be still trying to make a story out of the horrible Steve McNair murder-suicide,(HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DRUNK WHEN HE WAS LYING ON THE COUCH!) and just didn't have time to cover it. The real answer? I don't know. But the fact that as of this post(a lil after 7pm eastern time) ESPN has NOTHING(!) on their website or TV programming. ESPN......U SUCK!

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Denver Broncos

2009-07-20T22:43:00.005-04:00

(Oh this is gunna be good!)

Offensive Outlook: Oh how things have changed.....OUT: The Best Young QB in football.....IN: The mother fucking NeckBeard! Yes, ladies and gentlemen the tune has changed at the QB position in Denver. From AFI to ZZ Top. From Donnie Darko to a Hardcore Porno. From a wrist cutting diabetic so naturally talented he almost took Vanderbilt to a bowl game in college, to a Jack Daniels chugging..... co-ed fucking..... throws like a girl Purdue alum, who only attended that school because ''Boilermakers'' were the reason for his conception. Enjoy Denver while you can......you just traded for the John Belushi of QB's.

Defensive Outlook: Hey Denver, guess who the next team is that will blindly attempt to switch to the 3-4? That's right YOU! Enjoy watching Robert Ayers try to cover Antonio Gates, and hey if you need a nose tackle i've heard Dusty Rhodes is available, hes fat!

Offseason: HOLY-FUCKING-SHIT.......this was a cluster-fuck I cannot even describe. Josh McDaniels comes in and decides, ''You know what I have a team that has a great offense and a defense that is a few players away.......LET'S BURN THIS FUCKER TO THE GROUND.....HEY, CUTLER......YOU SULKING FUCK!.....FUCK YOU!......I WON WITH MATT FUCKING CASSELL.....I CAN WIN WITH A QB WHO IS LEGALLY RETARDED!''.....and if that wasn't enough Brandon Marshall, a man(uses term loosely) who once fell through a tv while eating McDonalds, is still around and unhappy and ''disrespected'' as ever. They only way this can get worse is if 1st rounder Knowshon Moreno fathers 12 children and traffics blow to pay for it! I'd almost feel bad for Eddie Royal, if he hadn't gone to Virginia Tech.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 3-13

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Arizona Cardinals

2009-07-20T21:34:00.004-04:00

(not pictured: roofies)

Offense: The 2nd best passing attack in the NFL, however it is offset by the complete lack of a running game. The addition of Beanie Wells should help. However, I believe that drafting someone with a nickname of Beanie is bound for some problems. Larry Fitzgerald will make up for Anquan Boldin playing like a little bitch because he didn’t get traded. Kurt Warner will still be old, Brenda Warner will once again be hot, and Matt Linehart will be bonging beers on the sideline.

Defense: The Cardinals don’t have an impressive D-line or linebackers, and the secondary isn’t that great either. Every game will be a shoot out, unless the are playing the Rams.

Overall: I see the Cardinals finishing 2nd in their division this year. They got on a hot streak in the playoffs after sucking....... no...... blowing....... no...... inhaling a dick to finish the regular season. It wont happen again.

Predictions:

BS: 8-8

JS: 8-8

32 Teams in 16 Daze- San Diego Chargers

2009-07-19T22:19:00.005-04:00

(BAXTER!)

Offensive Outlook: They have Philip Rivers, who is either a great QB, or just a game-manager. This will be his 6th year in the NFL, and we still arn't sure which he is. LT is just getting old, very, very old. I dunno if he gets 1,500 yards this year or the bottom just drops out. The Bolts wide outs are a mixed bag of the physically dominant Vincent Jackson and a bunch of other guys. Antonio Gates is in Toby Keith ''I ain't as good as I once was, But i'm as good once as i'll ever be'' stage of his career. I promise i'll never reference Toby Keith again.

Defensive Outlook: The Chargers' have a physically dominant D-Line, led by massive NT Jammal Williams. The linebackers are srong and quick on the outside and solid tacklers in the middle. The DB's, led by Antonio Cromartie are very good.

Offseason: San Diego didn't do much in the off-season, mainly because they didn't have to. Their big additions were 1st round OLB Larry English and 4th round NT Vaughn Martin, but those guys will just be injury insurance this year. Norv Turner is still in charge, so that will hold them back. Go fuck yourself San Diego!

Predictions:

JS: 11-5

BS: 12-4

15 Observations from going to a Nationals game

2009-07-19T13:36:00.005-04:00

Was throughly entertained once we got on the metro by 2 guys that thought they were Jason Whitlock and Michael Wilbon.....except they spoke ebonics.

2. Homeless(assumeing) black guy smelling of booze, singing hymns on the metro....we tryed not to laugh and failed miserably.

3. They metro is scary.

4. Fuck theres alot of Cubs fans here.

5. Nationals park is very nice.

6. But not nice enough for me to spend 40.00 on a hat.

7. But 12$ on a pair of sunglasses seemed good.

8. So the highlight of the night- myself, Matt, and Combsie are standing near where the Nats pre-game show is filmed....Johnnie Holliday is there looking very professional and elf-like.....5 mins til 6 and Ray Knight is nowhere to be found.....I start cracking the Ray Knight jokes quicker than you can say ''back,back,back,back''....then all of a sudden....I feel someone coming from behind me.....and then I see him......HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHER FUCKER RAY KNIGHT CAME WITHIN A HALF INCH OF CLOTHESLINEING ME! OH MY FUCKING GODDDDDDDDDDD! My mind is raceing.....1st of all hes huge....much bigger than I thought he was(thats what she said)......Did someone link him my blog?.....Is he going to punch me?....Will he atleast ask me who Skip is 1st?.....Im stunned....Fucking stunned for atleast 2mins.....I see him goofily hugging some elderly gentlemen who probably wondered why the Bill Clinton impersonator was hugging him.....then it hit me what happened....He can't wave and walk at the same and almost ran into me.....Holy Fucking Shit.

9. I have a secret for you.....listen closely....a ''Nats Dog'' is just a plain hotdog.

10. / Buys 7.50$ beer

11. Lil kid that looks like ''Ronnie'' from Role Models sang the National Anthem, was very, very good.

12. Jesus Tits theres alot of Cubs fans here.

13. Jordan Zimmerman is going to be very good when they actually let him throw more than 90 pitches.

14. Ryan Zimmerman is ''With Leather''

15. Milton Bradley sucks.....at life.

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Seattle Seahawks

2009-07-19T13:16:00.003-04:00

(not pictured: Starbucks and Nirvana's greatest hits album)

Offense: The Seahawks have been one of the better offenses in years past. But, ever since Matt Hasslebeck said "we want the ball, we're going to score!" and then completely boned the game, I have little faith in this team. Normally a great passing team, but when Seneca Wallace is your team's highest rated QB, something is wrong no matter if you have TJ HOusdksfkdsjdnbldskjhdsfhlkjdhflsk or not. If I were them, I would run the ball more. (Editors note: Running Backs suck too.)

Defense: They have a good defense lead by linebackers Julian Peterson and Lofa Tatupu. Any time that you can have a great and angry samoan on your team, then things are going to be good.

offseason: The Hawks stole Aaron Curry and signed TJ Hougddfkljhdanfs,mhsadflkdddnflds in the offseason. pretty good offseason if you ask me.

Predictions:

BS: 4-12

JS: 3-13

We're coming.....

2009-07-17T22:17:00.002-04:00

Due to lack of sleep, NCAA Football 2010 addiction, and myself attending a Nationals game on Saturday, we'll be back Sunday.....Make it rain this weekend!

A special message from the Stu's.

2009-07-15T22:05:00.004-04:00

(Viagras one hell of a drug!!)

Were taking the day off from footblogging to play NCAA 2010's ''Road to Glory with Erin Andrews.'' My personal road will end in me waking up late for work tomorrow, stuck to my bed. The team previews will resume tomorrow, as dick jokey and mildly racist as ever.

32 Teams in 16 Daze- New Orleans Saints

2009-07-14T19:49:00.003-04:00

(Your moms a Saints fan)

Offensive outlook: The Saints have the most exciting offense in football. With Drew Brees, Marques Colston, #1 Running Back ''lucky'' Pierre Thomas and # 2 Running Back Reggie ''My girlfriend got harpooned on a sex tape and I suck at football'' Bush.....the Saints will put up huge numbers.

Defensive outlook: The D-line, with ends Will Smith and Charles Grant, and the 3 DT rotation of Sedrick Ellis, Kendrick Clancy and Rob Coleman, is pretty fucking good. The linebackers are not flashy but make the tackle. However, the secondary is absolute horseshit, Jason David couldn't cover Billy Mays.

Offseason: The Saints had a mixed bag of an offseason. Bush continued banging Kim Kardashian, Lance Moore re-signed, and they drafted Ohio St. CB Malcom Jenkins, who may be able to cover someone. However not enough reinforcements were brought in for the secondary and Jeremy Shockey had to be hospitalized after getting shit-faced in Vegas. No floods though!

Predictions:

JS: 13-3

BS: 11-5

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Minnesota Vikings

2009-07-14T18:33:00.003-04:00

(not pictured: a big black dildo from the love cruise)

For as long as I live, I will remember two things about the Minnesota Vikings: The Love Cruise and Randy Moss. The Love Cruise is one of those moments where I wish I could have been there, just to see Fred Smoot, dildo in hand....... double penetrating two strippers with a smile on his face yelling "Lets get freaky you bitches!" Anyways, on to the preview......

Offensive Outlook: They have Adrian Peterson aka Purple Jesus who after having a spectacular but quiet college career, has emerged into the top running back in the league. He gets his touches and will carry this team. They now have Jackson and Sage Rosenfels as their QB's so instead of talking about receivers, i'm going to talk about Peterson more because he is their offense. Did i mention that he can go between the tackles just as much as outside?

Defensive outlook: They have the fat Williams twins, crazy fuck Jared Allen, and a very good secondary. The linebackers aren't spectacular but they make their fair share of plays.

Offseason: Brittfarrrrr is coming to 'Sota????? The only other big move is drafting Percy Harvin, a wr,rb,kick returner. he's fast. Thats about all i can say.

Predictions:

BS: 11-5
JS: 9-7

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Atlanta Falcons

2009-07-13T20:56:00.004-04:00

(Atleast she wasn't wearing dog ears)

Offensive outlook: Matt Ryan doesn't kill dogs, so thats a step up. Michael Turner reminds some of a faster, less coked up version of Jamal Anderson, also a good thing. The O-line is lacking in stars but is solid.

Defensive outlook: They've got an undersized d-line, small linebackers and a safety whose last name is ''Fudge''.....I wish he was a Packer!

Offseason: Falcons GM Thomas Dimitoff got some shit done this offseason! Here was his check list....

1. Find a TE.

Tony Gonzalez

2. Beef up the interior D-line

(1st-round pick) Peria Jerry

3. Find a safety not named ''Fudge''.

(2nd-round pick) William Moore

4. Cut all Felons

Good bye Ron Mexico.....good bye......

Predictions

JS: 9-7

BS: 10-6

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Chicago Bears

2009-07-13T20:40:00.004-04:00

(not pictured: Cutler's insulin shots)

Offensive outlook: Well as much as I would like to see this trade work out, its not going to. Matt Forte is a beast. He not only can carry the ball and do well, but he can catch the ball out of the backfield. Thats about all they have though. Jay Cutler has a good arm but he can't win big games. and when your star receiver is a converted punt returner, you are fucked.

Defensive outlook: The Bears always have a pretty good defense. But Urlacher is getting old, real old, like old as shit.

Offseason: The Bears made a big gamble in trading for Jay Cutler. Jay Cutler then proceeded to not bitch about the trade and drown in his sorrows all offseason. This isn't good for possibly the most famous diabetic in professional sports.

Predictions:

BS: 7-9
JS: 10-6

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Detroit Lions

2009-07-12T21:37:00.003-04:00

(not pictured: guns that were used to take their own lives)

Offensive Outlook: Well the QB battle goes between Daunte Culpepper and Matthew Stafford. Im praying that Stafford plays just to see him get knocked on his ass a lot. The only bright spot that the Lions have is Calvin Johnson, who every day marks another day off of his calendar til when he becomes a free agent and gets out of football hell aka Detroit.

Defense: Did you know that as a team last year, the Lions only got 4 interceptions? i mean 4! You could sit Ethan Albright in the secondary and he would get more interceptions. I honestly can't name one defensive player on the Lions without looking. So in other words, they are in for some trouble.

Offseason: Well after last season's 0-16 debacle, the Lions still proved that they suck by drafting Matthew "i love to press kegs over my head, but thats all i'm good for" Stafford.

Predictions:

BS: 3-13(for the next 10 years)

JS: 3-13(forever)

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Carolina Panthers

2009-07-12T19:59:00.005-04:00

(This picture just screams ''meth head''.)

Offensive outlook: The Panthers will run. They have a conservative coach and a team built for 40 plus runs a game. Oh and their QB is still Jake Delhomme, who is very shitty. Steve Smith will still carry the passing game when Delhommes not throwing TAINTs.

Defensive outlook: This defense starts with the linebackers. Jon Beason is one of the best in the game, while Thomas Davis emerging on the strongside. Julius Peppers will either be pouting about his lack of a contract extension or be playing like a man possessed for a new one. The secondary is just OK.

Offseason: The Panthers really didn't bring in anyone of note in free agency. Their biggest contributers draft-wise were Everette Brown, an undersized Defensive End and Tony Fiametta who could become the starting fullback. EXCITING!

Predictions:

JS: 6-10

BS: 8-8

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Tampa Bay Bucs

2009-07-11T17:31:00.002-04:00

(Not pictured: A player worthy of a 1st round pick)

Offensive outlook: The Bucs offense is full of question marks this year. Can Josh Freeman start right away? Is Derrick Ward this years Michael Turner? Is Antonio Bryant a #1 WR? Can the o-line hold up? Is Kellen Winslow still ''a fucking soldier'' or the NFLs version of Tracy McGrady? I see more no's than yes's in there and this offense could really struggle.

Defensive Outlook: Holy Shit this is a mess! Gaines Adams showed flashes last year with 6.5 sacks, but with Derrick Brooks gone this team will struggle to get the big turnovers that were their trademark. The secondary is just ''ok'' and will be torched by Brees twice a year.

Offseason: New coach, new QB, new TE but no replacement for Brooks and they failed to address the #2 Wr position. This team draws the NFC AND AFC EAST this year and could hit rock bottom.

Predictions:

JS: 2-14

BS: 4-12

32 Teams in 16 Daze- Green Bay Packers

2009-07-11T15:55:00.005-04:00

(not pictured: Green dildo with ''4'' painted on it)

Offensive outlook: I really think that Aaron Rodgers is not the long term answer at QB for the Packers. However he will do for now. Behind Ryan Grant, who averaged almost 4 yards per carry and with two 1000 yard receivers, the Packers should be able to score around 20-24 points per game.

Defensive outlook: They have Aaron Kampman and AJ Hawk. But an average secondary. I think that this is really where the Packers will struggle. They are normally a good defensive team, but with trying to transition to the 3-4, its going to be a long year for the packers.

Offseason: “Britt Far might go to the Vikings? Ah well we still love him!” this was the offseason for Packers fans, doing nothing but worrying about where a washed up former frnachise player will go. In the draft, the Packers took everyday pot smoker BJ. Raji, that name even sounds like a Rastafarian pot dealer. Anyways, they didn’t have any other significant moves, other than worrying about Britt Far and where he will be playing.

Predictions:

BS: 7-9

JS: 8-8

A special message from Suspended NFL Wide Reciever/Murderer Dante Stallworth!

2009-07-11T11:38:00.004-04:00

(Looks into wrong camera)

Whats up white people. This is Dante Stallworth here. I normaly wouldn't promote blogs, but since I did just kill a guy, Nike isn't exactly calling. Anyways today I'd like to tell you that starting today, Stuonshit will begin featuring previews of every NFL team! Even the Lions!

I'm Now Taking Questions.....Mark D. Edition

2009-07-10T18:30:00.004-04:00

(Pictured Mark D. in 10 years)

I like the fact that my friends seem to think im a comedy wizard. Its much better than them thinking im a self-depriciating fat-ass who shoulda flunked out of college by now. One reader took it upon himself to send me several questions to get my Yoda-like take on. If you have any important questions you need answered...send them to me.

Q:Who hates there job more.... Ray Knight, who does the pre-post game show and has to try to put a spin on how(not) fucking horrible the Nationals are or Rob Dibble who actually has to do the play by play and watch that shit live and try not to kill himself?

A: This is a tough one, I watch the post-game for Ray Knights incredibly professional and in-depth commentary. I would have to say Dibble. To quote my youngest brother, (who watches no baseball and may be adopted) after seeing Dibble on T.V.......''He looks divorced.''

Q: Who had the best Mustache in the 1980's in the Major Leagues? There are so many to pick from Rollie Fingers to Keith "Majic Luggie" Hernadez. I just want your two cents on it.

A: This came from Keith Hernandez's Wikipedia page. ''Hernandez admitted that he never wore eyeblack while playing because he had high cheekbones. Hernandez felt his mustache reduced glare thereby eliminating the need for eyeblack.'' So yea, Hernandez's coke filled mustache takes the cake.

Q:Shaq or Michael Jordan? Who had the better movie? Space Jam or Kazam?

A: Oh it isn't even close. Space Jam was in my summer movie rotation for a few years. I think the real question is who was the better co-star, Patrick Ewing or Da Brat?

(Speaking of Space Jam, shouldn't this movie be re-made now? LeBron in the MJ role. Ron Artest, Dwight Howard, Nate Robinson, Dirk Nowitski, and Yao Ming in the roles of Barkley, Ewing, Bogues, Johnson, and Shawn Bradley. Comedic Gold!)

Q: Who is the better Rapper? Shaq or Ron Artest? (You can not hold the free style Kobe hows my ass taste against him either).

A: Hold it against him? In my book giving us the line ''Hows my ass taste!'', for video game shit-talking puts Shaq ahead.

Q: If you could adapt a moment is sports where fighting occured(minus boxing) and make it a WWE finishing move what would it be.1) Nolan Ryan head lock beating Robby V's ass) Ron Artest chair throw?3) Bill Lambeeer! Just Bill Lambeer in general in the late 80's.)Tanya Kitaen beating up Chuck Finley in the late 90's 5) Last but not least Sir Charles throwing a cop threw a window.

A: Artests chair throw is the only thing that could keep the Undertaker down, however each of these remind me of a particular wrestling moment.

1) Ric Flair's trademark Headlock and Punch....WHOOOOOOOOOOO!

2) Sabus trademark chair throw.

3) Mick Foley in the 90's.

4. The night Chyna beat HHH on RAW.

5. Shawn Michaels super-kicking Marty Jannetty through a window on an episode of ''The Barber Shop.''

Evil Skip is Watching Ray Knight While Ray Knight Watches You Masturbate!

2009-07-09T21:09:00.006-04:00

(Looks into wrong camera)

(Attacks Ray Knight)

An Unforgivable Conversation

2009-07-09T18:16:00.004-04:00

''All great things must come to an end, otherwise they wouldn't end.....or someone could graduate.''

-Me

What follows is an email conversation between myself and fellow WVU Student/dick joke conoisseur Billy Stewart. Hope it causes you to possibly think amongst the haze of beer.

JS: So i've heard that WVU football is going to be fucked this year without Pat White. Quick question......How many National Titles did he ever win? The answer's zero. I know we are only ''WVU'' and our alumni only strived for top-10 status, but fuck that bronze medal shit, this isn't the Special fucking Olympics this is major college football. So heres the question I pose to you? Did Pat White, despite his record setting stats, undefeated bowl record, and immense popularity, hinder our teams chance to WIN big games? Was he really our best chance to not just put up big stats in 40 point rapeings of Syracuse, but to beat the best teams in close games?

BS: Ok here it goes, in order to do this we have to examine this in 2 very distinct eras. You have the Rich Rod era and the Bill Stewart era. i'm going to give the pro's and con's to both eras for Pat playing.

Rich Rod era-pro's for pat playing- with the zone read, you had he and Steve Slaton in the backfield. Steve was a big enough back who if he had to, he could run someone over. Defenses were already gearing up for the run since we ran the ball 80% of the time, but with Pat at QB, they couldn't gear up for semi fast white guy(Owen Schmitt) to run, they had to gear up for someone at QB who was not only fast, but was shifty. Pat White could change directions on a dime and that is what made him so elusive. Also, since most of our passes were screens, pat had a hell of an arm that could get the ball out fast to our speedy playmakers.

Con's for Pat playing- Pat was relied upon so much that when he would get injured then nobody knew what to do. I blame this partly on the scheme that was used. WVU used the zone read way too much, sometimes as much as 75% during offensive drives. Because of Pat having to run the ball so much, as well as the lack of downfield plays, he was relied upon to make plays. Pat on a good day stands in around 6'1 185 pounds, which is light for a scat back like Noel Devine, let alone a QB who takes hits. Pat took too many hits and when he would get injured, Jarrett Brown didn't have too much of a chance. Once again this can be blamed on the scheme. Second point for the con's during the Rich Rod era- WVU won a lot of games during the 3 years that Pat White played under rich rod, the majority of these games that were won were blowouts, yet Pat White played late into games. Jarrett Brown was a competent backup but did not receive near the amount of snaps that could have made things go well for him.

Bill Stewart era-pro's for Pat playing- Pat started to come into his own as a true QB with the help of Jeff Mullen. As much as people were on Mullen's ass, think about where Pat would be if not for him. Pat helped WVU during this transitional time because when plays broke down downfield, Pat could go into "fuck you i'm Pat White and faster than you" mode and just outrun everyone. For reference to this mode, look at some plays from the 2008 uconn game when Pat ran around and then broke into daylight. Look at the now infamous play against louisville where Pat had a 60+ yard run to win the game. Pat White gave us the best chance to win last year. with the help of a more balanced offense, Pat White was by far the best option as our QB. But just for fun, here are the...

con's for Pat playing- Bill Stewart's first full season and Pat White's last season coincided. WVU did not have the expectations to honestly have an opportunity to play for the BCS title last year. Jarret Brown should have played more at QB instead of fullback like he did. Jarret Brown could have taken 40% of the snaps and be well groomed for the next year where WVU could have reloaded and been ready for another run at a national title.

overall impressions: I am very big on Jarret Brown, i always have been and always will be. Not only is he 6'5 and weighs 200+ pounds. Not only is he built in the Steve "4holes" McNair mold, but he is also my neighbor, I speak to he and his awesome parents frequently, and... best of all he and Morty Ivy offered me "weed, liquor, and bitches" two years ago the night before the spring game. However Pat White is and always will be known as the best QB in WVU history. He should even go down as one of the top QB's of this decade. He is the greatest winner in college history. He rightfully should have played and been our QB.

Bloggers vs. Mainstream Sports Writers: A quick profile

2009-07-08T21:47:00.006-04:00

(Pictured:My Influences)

The Blogger:

Age: 22-35

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: ''Glue'' White

Writes About: Matt Lineharts drunken escapades, Their favorite team, Tom Bradys Bastard child, Mike Vicks Herpes.

Will rant endlessly about: ESPN.....Erin Andrews.....Lindsay Lohans Dissapearing boobs

Often heard saying: ''MOM...THE MEATLOAF!...FUCK!''

The Mainstream Sports Writer:

Age: 40-100

Gender: Male(mostly)

Ethnicity: White, but lets not talk about race.

Writes about: Your star players current slump, your star players contract, how good the team looks in training camp/spring training, coffee (Peter King Only).

Will rant endlessly about: Blogs, Steroids, Lazy ''Rap Culture'' Athletes(black).

Often heard saying: WHY DO THE FANS NOT CARE ABOUT STERIODS!!!!!!! HOW COULD THEY SUPPORT CHEATERS?????? WHY! YOU NEED TO CARE BECAUSE I CARE DAMN IT!

The NL All-Stars!

2009-07-05T14:41:00.002-04:00

I admit it...im really fucking bias....and yes I know the all-star teams were announced a few hours ago, but fuck it ill throw my 2 cents out there anyway.

Catcher-

1. Brian McCann (ATL)

2. Bengi Molina (SF)

3. Yadiar Molina (STL)

1st Base

1. Albert Pujols (STL)

2. Prince Fielder (MIL)

2nd Base

1. Chase Utley (PHI)

2. Freddie Sanchez (PIT)

1. Hanley Ramirez (FLA)

2. Cristian Guzman (WAS)

3. Ryan Theriot (CHC)

3rd

1. Ryan Zimmerman (WAS)

2. Mark Reynolds (ARI)

1. Ryan Braun (MIL)

2. Juan Pierre (LAD)

3. Brad Hawpe (COL)

4. Carlos Lee (HOU)

5. Matt Kemp (LAD)

6. Justin Upton (ARI)

7. Adam Dunn (WAS)

PITCHER

1. Tim Lincecum (SF)

2. Johan Santana (NYM)

3. Jason Marquis (COL)

4. Dan Haren (ARI)

5. Javier Vazquez (ATL)

6. Johnny Cueto (CIN)

7. John Lannan (WAS)

8. Heath Bell (SD)

9. Ryan Franklin (STL)

10. Jonathan Broxton (LAD)

11. Brian Wilson (SF)

12. Ramon Troncoso (LAD)

RIP Steve McNair

2009-07-04T18:30:00.002-04:00

Fuck man....just...fuck. What the fuck is the world coming to?

The AL All-Stars!

2009-07-04T12:19:00.003-04:00

I tend to have very boring 4th of Julys. Bright shiny fireworks don't really excite me. The Nathan's hot dog eating contest is fucking retarded and kinda gay. Think about it, a bunch of asian twinks shoving long meat in their mouths. Yea, lil gay. One exciting thing thats coming up......The All Star Game! So useing my scientific formula of relentless love/hate for certain players and teams.....i've formulated both all-star teams....every MLB team represented........

AMERICAN LEAGUE

CATCHER:

1. Joe Mauer (MIN)

2. Victor Martinez (CLE)

3. Kurt Suzuki (OAK)

1st Base

1. Justin Morneau (MIN)

2. Miguel Cabrera (DET)

3. Russell Branyan (SEA)

2nd Base

1. Ben Zobrist (TB)

2. Aaron Hill (TOR)

1. Jason Bartlett (TB)

2. Derek Jeter (NYY)

3rd Base

1. Evan Longoria (TB)

2. Brandon Inge (DET)

3. Chone Figgins (LAA)

1. Torii Hunter (LAA)

2. Ichiro Suzuki (SEA)

3. Carl Crawford (TB)

4. Adam Jones (BAL)

5. Jacoby Ellsbury (BOS)

6. Shin-Soo Choo (CLE)

PITCHER

1. Zack Grienke (KC)

2. Felix Hernandez (SEA)

3. Edwin Jackson (DET)

4. Justin Verlander (DET)

5. Mark Buehrle (CWS)

6. Kevin Millwood (TEX)

7. Roy Halladay (TOR)

8. Mariano Rivera (NYY)

9. Joe Nathan (MIN)

10. David Aardsma (SEA)

11. Brian Fuentes (LAA)

12. Andrew Bailey (OAK)

A Revolutionary Mailbag Part 2- The Hungover part

2009-07-03T10:17:00.005-04:00

(I CAN'T-REACH-REMOTE!)

So last night I attempted to attend a low-A baseball game. I got my ticket for free, got my ''Thirsty Thursday'' wristband.....and walked into a fucking High School Reunion. As people tend to do when they get around the group they grew up with, I reverted back to age 18 mentally, making dick jokes, laughing harder at them than anyone else, and drinking heavily. I've changed so much. With all that said its time to rock some questions.......

Q:Who should start on the mound for the AL and NL in the All Star game?

Justin in Inwood

A: For the AL: Zach Greinke, if his anti-depressants are strong enough for that stage.

For the NL: Tim Lincecum, are we all comfortable that the best pitcher in baseball looks like the 8th grader from ''Dazed and Confused''?

Q:Who will be the next manager to get fired?

Justin in Baltimore

A: Are you doing Ken Rosenthal's legwork now? What Manny Acta wasn't fired? Oh go fuck yourself Rosenthal you fuckin asshole! Go suck off Raul Ibanez a lil more your mouth isn't full yet!

(To answer your question, Bud Black or A.J. Hinch.)

Q: is troy akman gay?? however you spell his name?

Logan in Hedgesville

A: Yup, these are my readers....

A Revolutionary Mailbag Part 1

2009-06-30T20:39:00.008-04:00

(Unless you play middle infield, sorry Jose!)

So since I am suffering from what real writers call ''brainsallfuckedup'', I've decided to put the onus on you(points) the reader. So heres what happened.....

Q:"EA Sports' NCAA football 10 has "Road to Glory with Erin Andrews"... Please give us all you

know about this so-called "road" and whether it is infected or not"

Jim in Denver

A: Ah a question about the sideline princess herself. For those of you unaware Erin Andrews is the hot chick ESPN places on the sidelines in a feeble attempt to get 18-35 year old men to watch college football. She also covers the College World Series, which explains why I get an erection anytime I walk in a Dick's Sporting Goods.(PING!) I hope. To answer your question about her ''Road to Glory''. I would imagine it starts with some light ESPN banter, perhaps a few questions about whether she got Harold Reynolds fired. She'll laugh it off, but you'll know it's a ''yes''. Then after some more chit-chat you''ll ask ''Do you want to take roofies and come back to my place for some emotion-less sex?'' She'll laugh it off, but you''ll know its a ''yes''. Then you''ll roofie her. I imagine the next block on the ''Road to Glory'' is shaven and pink, possibly piecred,if thats what your into. Whether its infected? You'd have to ask David Wright.....or Rey Maualuga....or The entire 2007 Oregon State baseball team.....or Suzy Kolber.

Q:Who is the worse organization? Nats or Pirates?

Billy in Ann Arbor

A: This is a tough question, given my passion for the Nats. Like any relationship this passion can go one of two ways. Johnny and June Cash- loving, supportive and long lasting or Andre Rison and Lisa ''Left Eye'' Lopes- HateFucking and Burning Down Mansions. So i'll answer it from both sides of my brain.

Cash Side: The Pirates are certainly the worse organization. What other organization has been completely inept and given more ''fuck-yous'' to their fans than the Pirates? Plus, its a known fact that God hates Pittsburgh and the Pirates are his way for making up for the Satans deathgrip on the NFL.

Setting Back Their Race 200 years side: FUCKIN NATIONALS! YOU KNOW WHY THEY CAN'T MAKE ANY FUCK YOU TRADES? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD PLAYERS! NATIONALS PARK IS A FUCKING TOURIST ATTRACTION ON PAR WITH THE NATIONAL FUCKING PETTING ZOO AND THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM/SHOOTING RANGE! FUCK!

Verdict: Well that was rational, I guess it comes down to the Nyjer ''don't mispronounce my name cracker'' Morgan/ Sean Burnett for Lastings Milledge/Joel ''suck'' Hanrahan trade and whether the Nats sign Stephen Strasburg. Right now, GO NATS!

Q:What is your detailed solution to fix the BCS?

Bill in Morgantown

A: Dissolve the Big 10.

Better Know a Network Douchebag- Chris Berman

2009-06-28T12:58:00.004-04:00

Age: 54

Height: 5-10ish

Weight: 350ish

Years at ESPN: 30

Famous Catchphrases: ''Back-back-back-back''; Various inaudible huffing and puffing; ''Your with me leather.''

Berman in his own words: ''You know I'd like to think i've made an impact over my career at ESPN. (sweats profusely) Not only have I been at this network since it's inception I.... (inaudible huffing and puffing for next 15 minutes).....and ofcourse im sorry to that hookers family.....Go Bills!''

RAY KNIGHT IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-06-27T22:17:00.004-04:00

Hi everybody! I'm Ray Knight former Cinncinatti Reds manager!

(looks into wrong camera)

Get it on!

2009-06-24T21:12:00.005-04:00

So for anyone who doesn't follow Ric Bucher on Twitter, shit has gone down. A bunch of crappy bench guys were traded by Minnesota and Washington, but somehow the T-Wolves ended up with the #5 overall pick, while all the Wiz got was a overrated white guy and a guy who, when asked ''Who would you most like to meet?'' answered ''My parents.'' Lets just move on, in other news Portland sent 2 2nd rounders to Dallas to move up 2 spots....to 22, apparently to draft an Israli guy. I wish I made this shit up. In this little diddy im going to take 2 guys from my each 3rd of my mockdraft that I would want my team to draft. If they hadn't traded their 1st rounder. For an orphan.

Guys I Like

1-10

Jonny Flynn-

If ''balls'' was a measurable stat, this guy would be #1. He's quick as shit and played in the toughest conference in the country.

Ricky Rubio-

I know i've talked about him alot, but he just strikes me as the one guy in this draft thats going to get a GM fired for passing on him.

11-20

DeJuan Blair-

He's better right now than 60% of NBA big men and better than 100% of all backups. Is going to be a great pick for a team thats close to contention.

Eric Maynor-

A expierenced, tough playmaker who won me over when he elimadated Duke from the NCAA's a few years back.

21-30

Ty Lawson-

He was the go-to guy on the best team in the country and his skills project to the NBA, will be running a playoff team by January.

Josh Heytvelt-

As I've said, hes 6-11 and fucking skilled! How is this guy not going in the top 10! Oh yea the drug thing......

NBA Mock Draft 2009- The shit hits the fan

2009-06-23T19:08:00.006-04:00

I have a completely unwarrented man crush on Ricky Rubio. I've never seen him play live, like Stephen Curry or Ty Lawson. I actually haven't seen any video of him besides Zapruder-level Youtube tape. Doesn't every basketball player in the country have highlight tape? I'm waiting for mine ''Stu's greatest 12 foot set shots, floor dives, and flagrant fouls-The Remixxxxx!'' That being said, I want this guy to be good, I want to hear Charles Barkley attempt to say

''Rik-ky R-you-b-o'' for the next 10 years. I want to see Steve Nash drop the title of ''Best Point Guard Alive'' to him. NBA GM's underestimate great point guard play. Why else would Rajon Rondo be tradable? Speaking of trades Richard Jefferson's already been traded for Crap, Crap, and Bruce Bowen's corpse. Shaq, Amare, and pretty much everone else in the NBA is on the market. The financial shape of the NBA is bending teams over like their spending a night in Colorado with Kobe.(Shoots paper at trashcan) With all that being said, and with the understanding that there will be a shit ton of trades and buying of draft picks, heres the mock draft.

1. LA Clippers- Blake Griffin PF

-Will join Jason Kidd as the only ''Mocha'' colored guys in the NBA, not be so pussy whipped.

2. Memphis Grizzlies- Hasheen Thabeet C

-I can't even think of a whitty joke, this guy is fucking terrible offensively.

3. Zombie Sonics- Ricky Rubio PG

-(Prepares 500 word rimjob about Rubio-Durant combo)

4. Sacramento Kings- Jordan Hill PF

-The Maloofs are drunk enough to think their getting Grant Hills' son.

5. Washington Wizards- Jonny Flynn PG

-Stu Scott thinks ''J-FLY'' is an excellent addition.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves- Jrue Holliday PG

-Guys that don't score 10ppg in college are always good choices.

7. Golden State Warriors- James Harden SG

-Nellie likes him after 9 beers.

8. New York Knicks- Stephen Curry PG

-Stephen A. Smith will yell for the next 2 hours.

9. Toronto Raptors- Tyreke Evans SG

-With a name like that he must be good.

10. Bucks- Demar DeRozen SG

-They don't fucking deserve the city name, plus I can't spell Milwalkee.

11. New Jersey Nets- DeJuan Blair PF

-The anti-Thabeet, I think he will be a very good NBA player.

12. Charlotte Bobcats- Terrence Williams SG

-Larry Brown just benched him for being ''too athletic''.

13. Indiana Pacers- Gerald Henderson SG

-Bird wanted a white guy.

14. Phoenix Suns- James Johnson SF

-They'll sell the pick for $8,675,309. (I want it! I want it!)

15. Detroit Pistons- Brandon Jennings PG

-Nice to see the guy who didn't go to college gets a job in Detroit.

16. Chicago Bulls- B.J. Mullens C

-So I have a blow job joke, a Undertaker joke, and a Robert Swift joke ready.

17. Philadelphia 76er's- Earl Clark SF

-Has been compared to Tim Thomas. Seriously.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves- Omri Casspi SF

-Ipssac Irmo would've been a better choice

19. Atlanta Hawks- Eric Maynor PG

-Player least likely to fight dogs.

20. Utah Jazz- Chase Budinger SG

-''insert racist joke here''

21. New Orleans Hornets- Austin Daye SF

-At 6-10 will have a chance to make it out when the next flood hits.

22. Dallas Mavericks- Sam Young SF

-Is actually 77 years old.

23. Sacramento Kings- Ty Lawson PG

-With the Maloof's passed out in a pile of hookers and blow, the NBA steps in and selects one of the 10 best players in the draft.

24. Portland Trailblazers- Tyler Hansbrough PF

-The yin to Odens yang. Of suck.

25. The team that shall not be named- Nick Calathes SG

-When this guy is your ''MJ'' you suck.

26. Chicago Bulls- Jeff Teague PG

-Has no discernable skill.

27. Memphis Grizzlies- Jon Brockman PF

-Subscribes to the ''Bust/White guy'' style of drafting twice.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wayne Ellington SG

-(recycles blues singer joke)

29. LA Lakers- Jonas Jerebko SF

-Luke Walton thinks this Jonas is dreamy.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers- Josh Heytvelt PF

-6-11, can shoot, has been arrested for possession of psychedelic mushrooms.

NBA Draft Prospects top 30- with comparisons!

2009-06-21T19:20:00.004-04:00

Not Pictured: the flaming pile of dogshit Kwame brought on the court everytime out

With the NBA Draft coming up on Thursday I am in 2 words, fucking giddy. Drafts are like Christmas for blowhards like me, I get to see overmatched GMs give millions of $$$ to guys their not even sure of. With that said heres my top 30 players, based on who I would draft. I'm a fan of the tier system because alot of these guys rate out the same.

Tier 1 (Franchise Players)

1. Blake Griffin- Karl Malone

2. Ricky Rubio- Steve Nash

Tier 2 (Multiple time All-Stars)

3. Tyreke Evans- Jason Richardson

4.Eric Maynor- Brandon Roy

5. James Harden- Rip Hamilton

6. Jonny Flynn- John Starks

Tier 3 (Solid Starters)

7. DeJuan Blair- Charles Oakley

8. Ty Lawson- Jameer Nelson

9. Stephen Curry- Mo Williams

10. Jordan Hill- Ty Thomas

11.Earl Clark- Rashard Lewis

12.Brandon Jennings- Gilbert Arenas

13. Gerald Henderson- Vince Carter

14. Jeff Teague- Rafer Alston

15. James Johnson- Andre Inguodala

Tier 4 (Solid Rotation guys)

16. Sam Young- Jeff Posey

17. Wayne Ellington- Courtney Lee

18. Chase Budinger- Mike Miller

19. Tyler Hansbrough- Glen Davis

20. Toney Douglas- Ben Gordan

21. Josh Heytvelt- Hedo Turkalou

22. Darren Collison- Jordan Farmar

23. Derrick Brown- Bruce Bowen

24. Tyrese Rice- Nick Van Excel

25. Dajuan Summers- Jeff Green

Tier 5 (Projects)

26. Hasheem Thabeet- Manute Bol

27. DeMarr DeRozen- Tracy McGrady

28. B.J. Mullens- A 7ft Corpse

29. Jrue Holliday- O.J. Mayo

30. Austin Daye- Tayshaun Prince

What Happened to the White Basketball player?

2009-06-20T13:31:00.004-04:00

Where the hell did all the white NBA players go? No I don't mean crazy stripper banging Dirk Nowitski and the rest of the flopping overseas players. Those guys are bitches. Has there even been a great white player in the last 15 years? This isn't a race thing....im fine with the blacks(thats what they prefer right?) being a good portion of the league. White guys dominate the rosters in baseball, blacks can have basketball. But still, theres not one white american player thats a NBA star, a guy who you would say is a future Hall of Famer. Sure theres ''role players'', the ''scrappy'', ''tough'', ''crafty'' 3-point shooters and hustle guys. But looking on the court and seeing Luke Walton, J.J. Redick, and.... yea thats it. Off of the top of my head those are the only even decent white players I can think of. Theres no Larry Birds, no Bill Waltons, none, FUCKING NONE. How the hell did we get to this point?

The root of the problem goes to the 90's, when most of the current crop of young NBA stars were growing up. The black kids had Jordan, and Pippen, and everyone else. White kids had Rex Chapman and old Tom Chambers highlights. This continued into the 2000's they have Kobe, we get Austin Crochere. Why if your a good white athlete would you want to be a basketball player? Why become Brian Scalabrine when you could be Mark McGwire or Peyton Manning?

/ Dick Joke

The Return

2009-06-20T13:11:00.005-04:00

(Alice Coopers ''Poison'' blares through the arena speakers)
What! Ohmygod! Thats!....Thats Stus music! and he looks pissed!

So after a brief flirtation with being the Washington Nationals team blogger for the site fansided.com I have decided to just stick with blogspot. I was offered the ''job'', but turned it down because well....I would be edited. Not just in the sense of correcting my punctuation(which I need) but my language and content, which I think makes me unique. Anyone can write ''Nick Johnson went 1-4.'' but it takes a real talent to notice his Harry Reames-like porn stache. Anyways I will be posting on here more often from now on. Here is unedited, the sample I gave fansided.

Theres still hope: 5 Ways to Root for The Washington Nationals the Rest of 2009

The Washington Nationals are the worst team in baseball. That has been painfully obvious to anyone who has watched Austin Kearns drop a routine fly ball or Joel Hanrahan blow another fucking save! However, there is hope. No this is not going to be another post that sucks off Stephen Strasburg, nor will it be one that bashes him. There are positive things going on with this team, and more importantly this organization. With that said here are a few things to root for the rest of the season-

1. Root for Adam Dunn- ‘’Big Donkey’’ has given us our 1st real star since the abortion that was the Alfonso Soriano Expierence. He probably will never hit .300, but he will hit 40 homers, get on baseball at a .400 clip, and just in general be a big(6-6 280lb) and likeable dude. At age 29 he is the perfect guy to build around, we have our clean-up hitter.

2. Root for Ryan Zimmerman- This one might seem obvious, but the man really struggled last year, and had a lot of people questioning if he could eve make the leap into the class of David Wright and Evan Longoria. This year he has come through with a impressive .314-12-42.

3. Root for Stan Kasten- The man who built the 90’s Braves teams is now running our organization, and he might hold the key to our future in his already accomplished hands. I love Nick Johnson, going back to his days as a solid left handed pinch hitter on MLB High Heat 99. The guy is a professional hitter and a solid defensive 1st baseman. That being said when I see him I don’t see Nick Johnson, I see (Red Sox-uber prospects) Justin Masterson or Clay Bucholtz or Michael Bowden. I see the same thing in Christian Guzman. These guys have gone out and played hard, without complaint everyday. But they are more valuable to us as trade bait for young players. I am not saying go out and make a Nate McLouth ‘’fuck you’’ trade. But with Stan Kasten at the helm the trade deadline on July 31st could be a hell of a party for us.

4. Root for the other Zimmermann- Despite his 5.37 ERA this year, everytime I watch Jordan Zimmermann pitch I get more excited. He throws hard, he strikes out more than a batter an inning, and his demeanor never changes on the mound. Aslong as he continues to improve he can become a Orel Hershiser-type ace.

5. Root for each other- The Nationals fans I have met are, by and large, die-hard fans. We are young, we are knowledgeble, and we are enthusiastic. We know this team is a few years away, but we can’t help but point to Dunn, and Kasten, and the Zimmermanns and see that we are not going to be down long.

A special message to Pirates fans from GM Neal Huntington

2009-06-08T23:00:00.003-04:00

FUCK YOU!

Tired Tired Stu

2009-06-02T23:46:00.004-04:00

So i've gotten 4hrs of sleep since Sunday, in a REAL great place mentally.....

The Headlines

06/03

1. Memphis Tigers find no proof Rose cheated on SAT.

-(calls bullshit)

2. Rangers OF Hamilton goes on DL with abdominal strain

- (heroin joke/starts singing rehab)

3. Stern wants chat with LeBron on snub

- Tomorrows headline ''LeBron found dead in NY Apartment owned by NBA Commish Stern''

4. Ochocinco calls 08 an embarassment

- And 07-86

5. Sharapova out in French Open

- Crosses ''French Open'' off of things i could possibly jerk it to

Stuonshit inKredible KlassiKs

2009-06-02T04:54:00.003-04:00

Last fall i wrote some sports for a ''mens'' site my buddy Justin was trying to start....the following is how i busted my writing cherry......

Killing the sacred cow.

By

Big Stu

‘’Growing old is just a helpless hurt’’-Willie Mays

Theres no doubt that from 1982-1999 Cal Ripken Jr. was one of the best players in the game of baseball, a national treasure and ambassador for the game. But for the last 2 years of his career….Man did he suck. And because he was the great ‘’Cal’’ no one had the heart to tell him or the balls to criticize him. Not the fans, not the media, not the Orioles management. He grounded into double plays like it was going outta style. Porn actors have more range than he had at the end of his career. Some people will say he ‘’deserved’’ those last 2 years of grounders whizzing by his arthritic ankles and fastballs blowing by his church league softball swing. But didn’t the fans that had supported him and made him rich and famous deserve to see their hero get a proper exit? I understand that some athletes lose it outta nowhere. Not everyone can have John Elway’s story book exit, going out as the leader of the best team in football. Its not like he lead them that well in his last 2 years (combined record 137-186). Would he be remembered better by most of the general public if he had retired after the 1999 season, when he hit a career high .340? Probably not. But would he have saved younger fans that were just getting into baseball at the time the disappointment of seeing one of the games greats diminish his own legacy? Yes. Should he have learned from Willie Mays quote above? Yes. But I guess when everyone around you is still referring to you as ‘’The Legendary’’ like it’s a pro wrestling gimmick, u would start to believe your own shit. On Oct. 6th 2001 Ripken’s career ended, not while he was carried off on his teammates shoulders, like Elway, or by sinking the title clinching shot, like MJ, but watching at the end of another losing season from the on-deck circle as Brady Anderson swung and missed. Every one of his fans deserved better….although none would ever admit it.

Its time for a gimmick......

2009-06-02T00:50:00.003-04:00

So 6 posts in the month of May eh?.......Yes, I have begun blogging bi-weekly since school let out.Not because im soo busy or anything, trust me im not. Its just between reading ESPN, Deadspin, KSK, Twitter and listening to Adam Carolla's podcast.......my mind gets too polluted. So I harkened back to my pro wrestling roots and decided I need a gimmick, something to do when the wheels aren't turning so fast, this will be like Mick Foley pulling Socko out...cheap jokes...dumb fun....also this will end my constant ''did u see the semen joke!'' questions from now on out.......so lady(you know who you are) and gentlemen.......The Headlines(with dick jokes!)

The Headlines(with dick jokes!)

6/2/09

1.Memphis notified of Rose's SAT in 2008

- You mean to tell me John Calipari could've done something dishonest? Noooooooooo!

2. Phil Mickelson to return June 11 in Memphis

- Good to see another set of tits is gonna be back on the men's tour

3. Tom Brady's doc impressed with QB's rehab

- He's also impressed with how quickly Brady Quinn's rugburns heal

4. Vince Young wants to play or move on

- Kerry Collins just tryed to bomb VY's church

5. Tennesse Vols QB Jonathan Crompton received death threats in 2008

- To be fair he did go 5-7 last year....im just sayin...

and now......

THE BIG HEADLINE!

Manning adjusting to new-look WR corps

This story is a pre-emptive effort to makes excuses when Eli Manning sucks this season. Look he had a 57 year Amani Toomer last year and Plaxico ''the stereotype'' Burress. I know thats not much, but this story seems to suggest that they should've traded for a stone-handed Braylon Edwards( do these fuckers watch football! This guy is more useless than the guy that Donte Stallworth hit!) or Anquan ''Baby T.O.'' Boldin. Look at what Eli has at wideout this year.

This years 1st rounder and WVU Rapist Hakeem Nicks

2006 2nd rounder Sinorice Moss

2007 2nd rounder Steve Smith

2008 3rd rounder Mario Manningham

This years 3rd rounder Ramses Barden

(allow me to rant on ESPN a lil)

WHO GIVES A FUCK! YOU FUCKING MANNING-LOVING COCKSUCKERS! HES GOT 5 GUYS THAT WERE 1ST DAY PICKS! OOOOOOHHHH NOOOO WHATS POOR FUCKIN ELI GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS TALENT! HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA LETS THROW SOME NAMES OUT OF GUYS WHOSE TEAMS DONT WANT THEM AND HAVE'T BEEN THAT GOOD FOR 2 FUCKING YEARS! THAT WAY WHEN ELI THROWS 3 INTERCEPTIONS INTO THE WIND WITH HIS PUSSY ASS ARM WE CAN BLAME IT ON THE BEST FUCKING GM IN THE LEAGUE FOR NOT TRADING FOR THESE USELESS PRIMA DONNA FUCKS!

(that was orgasmic)

Things are gonna pick up on this little street corner, keep reading and thanks for the support.

Good Stu Hunting

2009-05-31T02:55:00.006-04:00

''Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you know how fucking easy this is? Do you have any fucking clue? It's a fucking joke. And I'm sorry you can't do this, I really am. I'm sorry I have to sit around and watch you fumble around and fuck it up."-- Will Hunting

This must be what Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen was thinking as the Lebron James lead Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated from the playoffs. In the 90's they waxed the ass of the Knicks on a yearly basis. Those Knicks teams were lead by Pat Riley and Jeff Van Gundy, with Patrick Ewing as the unquestioned star. This years Magic team had a Riley assistant and Jeff's brother, Stan Van Gundy, as head coach as well as having a young Dwight Howard as the unquestioned star. These teams are very identical in that they are the typical teams of their time, but with excellent players in those roles. In the 90's most teams threw it inside, played physical defense, and went 1-on-5 as the clock wound down. It was slow and boring, but it worked. Today, thanks to the Mike D'Antoni 7 seconds or less offense, teams play smaller and faster. The Magic have the perfect front-line for this style, 2 dead-eye 3point shooters in Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu and the most athletic bigman in the league in Howard. The similarites incredible.

So now what for the Cavs and LeBron? Even with 23million coming off their cap this summer they will still be 11million over the cap. However Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has shown hes willing to pay the luxury tax to build a competitive team. So here my 4 step plan to winning the title next season.

1. Sign some big men who have balls.

Rasheed Wallace's mean streak and shooting would be a perfect compliment to LeBron, or if they want to go cheaper Chris Anderson could be the Rodman to LeBron's MJ.

2. Sign Ron Artest.

This goes back again to the toughness problem. Artest is Mike Tyson with a jump shot.

3. Trade picks # 30, # 46 ,Zydrunas Ilgauskas, JJ Hickson, Ben Wallace, and Anderson Varejao to the Washington Wizards for Pick # 5, Dominic McGuire, Javaris Chrittenton, and Etan Thomas.

Washington still feels they're a healthy Gilbert Arenas away from being a contender and these 3 big guys will help.

4. Draft VCU PG Eric Maynor with the 5th pick.

Maynor is a Brandon Roy clone who is ready to step in and play right now.

The Next 12months will change the course of the Cavs franchise for better or worse. They can make moves and desperately try to win this year or stay with Big(slow) Z and Anderson Varejao and watch LeBron skip town quicker than Travis Henry.

Welcome to the Jungle.....

2009-05-28T23:35:00.004-04:00

This is Matt Wieters, a 6ft-5inch 23 year old catcher for the Baltimore Orioles, a former # 5 Overall draft choice, and the man that has been annointed as the savior of a franchise that has not been relevant since Cal Jr. traded in his fielding cane for a regular walking cane in 2001. Sure this teams had some young talent floating. But now, thanks to the killing theyve made from the shrewd Erik Bedard trade and some luck with late round picks, they are t-h-i-s close to being a contender. They are not the Nationals who are still 11 pitchers away from contending, they have the pitchers coming. David Hernandez could be the Pedro to Wieters....well thats the thing he gets compared to Joe Mauer but Mauer will never have the power that Wieters has right now. There hasnt been a catcher with his combination of Average, Power, and Defense. Piazza could hit for power but was a terrible defender, Pudge Rodriguez at his best still never had the power. The only real comparison is Johnny Bench. In his best season (1970) Bench hit .298 with 45HRs and 148RBIs, and won the Gold Glove. That stat line, the best season of the guy widely considered the best overall catcher in baseball history could be Wieters AVERAGE!

So whats the downside of all this hype? The same has been for decades....injuries( see:Mauer,Joe).....pussy (Keep him away from Benson's Ex!) and the scariest....hes just not that good......but fuck that noise for now I know the majority of the people reading this are O's and Nats(Just wait for my Strasberg post!) fans......so lets focus on what we have. A bunch of good young players, some veteran's to make the trade deadline exciting and announcers like Rob Dibble's hair grease and Buck Martinez's bad toupee that break the unintentional comedy scale.

Balls Deep NBA Off-Season Preview

2009-05-26T00:21:00.027-04:00

(Pictured: My balls)

With the NBA Playoffs headed to a Anti-Climactic LA-Orlando 7 game series, its time to focus on the highlight of the basketball off-season-The NBA Draft.

These draft predictions are half what i would do and half what i think they will do. For example i wouldn't touch Hasheem Thabeet. Not at pick 1, 15, 30, or 60. 7ft-3in. guys dont ever pan out. Gheorghe Mureşan, Manute Bol, and Yao Ming could tell you that. But some GM will be dumb enough to choose him. Enter Memphis GM(and Buckhannon, WV native) Chris Wallace. This man once traded Joe Johnson for Tony Delk and Rodney Rogers. If you don't remember these guys, I played NBA Live 2000, they sucked.The Core Guys are the players I would be shocked if they traded. Key Free Agents are the players they shouldn't let go. Anyways heres the picks!

1 Los Angeles Clippers: Blake Griffin Power Forward Oklahoma.

Draft Blurb: Will be the best mixed raced looking Power Forward ever drafted #1

Core Guys: Eric Gordon SG, Al Thorton SF

Key Free Agents: None

2Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet Center UCONN

Draft Blurb: Those are his condoms.

Core Guys: Mike Conley Jr PG, O.J. Mayo SG, Rudy Gay SF

Key Free Agents: Hakim Warrick PF

3Oklahoma City Thunder: Jordan Hill Power Forward Arizona

Draft Blurb: Was the toughest player in the Pac 10, which is like being the ''most well endowed midget.''

Core Guys: Russell Westbrook PG, Kevin Durant SG/SF, Jeff Green SF/PF

Key Free Agents: None

4Sacramento Kings: Earl Clark Power Forward Louisville

Draft Blub: Finally off Rick Pitino's payroll.

Core Guys: Kevin Martin SG, Jason Thompson C

Key Free Agents: Ike Diogu PF

5Washington Wizards: Ricky Rubio Point Guard Spain

Draft Blurb: Actual Quote describing Rubio-''I think he's a freak of nature, being so young and being so skilled and also so cool all the time. You can see that he knows what he's doing''- They said the same thing about John Holmes.

Core Guys: Gilbert Arenas PG, Caron Butler SF, JaVale McGee C

Key Free Agents: None

6Minnesota Timberwolves: Brandon Jennings Point Guard Europe

Draft Blurb: Can't read.

Core Guys: Randy Foye SG, Al Jefferson PF, Kevin Love C

Key Free Agents: None

7Golden State Warriors: Ty Lawson Point Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Was once arrested for playing music too loud in his car, the song- ''Pain is soo close to pleasure'' by Queen

Core Guys: Marco Bellinelli SG, Monta Ellis SG, Anthony Randolph PF, Andris Biedrins

Key Free Agents: None

8New York Knicks: Stephen Curry Point Guard Davidson

Draft Blurb: Appeared in Burger King Commercial at young age, was molested.

Core Guys: Chris Duhon PG, Danilo Gallinari SF

Key Free Agents: David Lee PF

9Toronto Raptors: James Harden Shooting Guard Arizona State

Draft Blurb: Played for AAU team ''Pump-N-Run'' a name inspired by Shawn Kemp and Calvin Murphy.

Core Guys: Jose Calderon PG, Chris Bosh PF, Andrea Bargnani C

Key Free Agents: None

10Milwaukee Bucks: Gani Lawal Power Forward Georgia Tech

Draft Blurb: Is just happy to get out of the south.

Core Guys: Michael Redd SG, Joe Alexander SF, Andrew Bogut C

Key Free Agents: Ramon Sessions PG, Charlie Villanueva PF

11New Jersey Nets: Tyreke Evans Shooting Guard Memphis

Draft Blurb: Lists ''Ebonics'' as his favorite college course.

Core Guys: Devin Harris PG, Sean Williams PF, Brook Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

12Charlotte Bobcats: DeMar DeRozan Shooting Guard USC

Draft Blurb: Being a member of Lil' Romeos posse will prove more profitable.

Core Guys: D.J. Augustin PG, Gerald Wallace SF, Emeka Okafor C

Key Free Agents: Raymond Felton PG

13Indiana Pacers: Eric Maynor Point Guard VCU

Draft Blurb: Larry Bird's happy hes not from OD-U.

Core Guys: Danny Granger SF

Key Free Agents: None

14Phoenix Suns: Jonny Flynn Point Guard Syracuse

Draft Blurb: Will be the Jules Winnfield to Nash's Vincent Vega.

Core Guys: Steve Nash PG, Robin Lopez C

Key Free Agents: None

THE REST OF THESE GUYS ARN'T LOTTERY PICKS SO SCREW THE PICS.

15Detroit Pistons: Jeff Teague Point Guard Wake Forest

Draft Blurb: His Wikipedia page has not been updated since Jan.26th

Core Guys: Will Bynum PG, Arron Afflalo SG, Rodney Stuckey SG, Tayshaun Prince SF

Key Free Agents: None

16Chicago Bulls: B.J. Mullens Center Ohio St.

Draft Blurb: Will be nicknamed ''The Undertaker'' after playing like a 7ft. corpse.

Core Guys: Derrick Rose PG, Tyrus Thomas PF, Joakim Noah C

Key Free Agents: Ben Gordon SG

17Philadelphia 76ers: Patty Mills Point Guard St. Marys

Draft Blurb: Was named after his aunt.

Core Guys: Louis Williams SG, Andre Iguodala SF, Mareese Speights PF, Elton Brand PF

Key Free Agents: Andre Miller PG

18Minnesota Timberwolves: James Johnson Small Forward Geogia Tech

Draft Blurb: Hometown news paper will have headline ''Crack Baby makes good''.

19Atlanta Hawks: Taj Gibson Power Forward USC

Draft Blurb: Likes to spend free time learning to read.

Core Guys: Joe Johnson SG, Josh Smith SF, Al Horford C

Key Free Agents: Mike Bibby PG, Marvin Williams PF

20Utah Jazz: Chase Budinger Shooting Guard Arizona

Draft Blurb: ''We needed a white guy.''-Jerry Sloan

Core Guys: Deron Williams PG, C.J. Miles SF

Key Free Agents: Kyle Korver SG, Paul Milsap PF, Carlos Boozer PF

21New Orleans Hornets: Gerald Henderson Shooting Guard Duke

Draft Blurb: An excellent swimmer

Core Guys: Chris Paul PG

Key Free Agents: None

22Dallas Mavericks: Omri Casspi Small Forward Israel

Draft Blurb: Was teammate of former WVU pile of suck D'or Fischer.

Core Guys: Dirk Nowitski PF

Key Free Agents: Brandon Bass PF

23Sacramento Kings: Toney Douglas Point Guard Florida State

Draft Blurb: I just see a murder in his future...dunno why.

24Portland Trail Blazers: Wayne Ellington Shooting Guard UNC

Draft Blurb: Woulda had a better night life with the Jail-Blazers.

Core Guys: Brandon Roy SG, LaMarcus Aldridge PF

Key Free Agents: None

25Oklahoma City Thunder: Darren Collison Point Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Thinks the ''Thunder'' thing is kinda gay.

26Chicago Bulls: Jeff Pendergraph Power Forward Arizona State

Draft Blog: Least intimidating name in the draft

27Memphis Grizzlies: DaJuan Summers Small Forward Georgetown

Draft Blurb: Wouldn't it be funnier if he was white.

28Minnesota Timberwolves: Jrue Holliday Shooting Guard UCLA

Draft Blurb: Best ''Jrue'' available.

29Los Angeles Lakers: DaJuan Blair Power Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: ESPN Columnist Dana O' Neil- ''He's a people collector''....so was John Wayne Gacy.

Core Guys: Pau Gasol PF, Andrew Bynum C

Key Free Agents: Kobe Bryant SG (Can Opt-Out)

30Cleveland Cavaliers: Tyler Hansbrough Power Forward UNC

Draft Blurb: Will attempt to imitate Mark Madsen's danceing, do the dice thing too much.

Core Guys: Lebron James SF, J.J. Hickson PF

Key Free Agents: None

(Other Teams w/o 1st Rounders)

34Denver Nuggets: AJ Price Point Guard UCONN

Draft Blurb: 2 arrests barely qualify him to play for Denver.

Core Guys: Chauncey Billups PG, J.R. Smith SG, Carmelo Anthony SF, Nene Hilario

Key Free Agents: Chris Anderson PF

37San Antonio Spurs: Sam Young Small Forward PITT

Draft Blurb: Will become huge fan favorite after punching out Manu in 1st practice.

Core Guys: Tony Longoria PG, Tim Duncan PF

Key Free Agents: None

43Miami Heat: Jon Brockman Power Forward Washington

Draft Blurb: Michael Beasley's DD.

Core Guys: Mario Chalmers PG, Dwayne Wade SG

Key Free Agents: None

58Boston Celtics: Alex Ruoff Shooting Guard WVU

Draft Blurb: (Points at Kevin Pittsnogle) (laughs)

Core Guys: Rajon Rondo PG, Ray Allen SG, Paul Pierce F, Kevin Garnett F, Kendrick Perkins C

Key Free Agents: Leon Powe PF, Glen Davis C

NO PICK: Orlando Magic

Core Guys: Jameer Nelson PG, Courtney Lee SG, Rashard Lewis SF, Dwight Howard C

Key Free Agents: Hedo Turkoglu PF, Marcin Gorat C

Draft Blurb: Desperate for attention on draft night, Stan Van Gundy will agree to give an interview in which he compares the porn industry to coaching basketball while wearing justa towel.

Obsevations on the NBA draft lottery

2009-05-19T20:00:00.004-04:00

We are live from my room! Upstairs in my house.... throw in some beads and move me one floor up and im Greg Brady!

8:04pm: We start out with a shot of Stu Scott, Jon Barry, Mike Wilbon, and Magic Johnson it kinda looks like the Scott, Barry, and Wilbon are trying to keep their distance from Magic....I wonder why?

8:07pm: ESPN's 3rd string black guy tells us its all about ''seducing lady luck''. I don't wanna see Larry Legend try that.

8:09pm: Magic Johnson's talking about ''playing with men''.

8:11pm: Chris Webber just unsuccessfully tried to buy the #1 pick.

8:12pm: Stu Scott just made a bad Vlade Divac joke then tried to straighten out his crooked eye, tearing every muscle in his face.

8:19pm: Jon Barry just said Kobe has ''the menality of a killer.'' I woulda went with rapist.

8:20pm: Carmello Anthony just gave an interview without an interperter.

8:21pm: Stu Scott fills us in on whats ahead and then yells DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT ABOUT TURNING THE CHANNEL!.......i bet he could stare a hole right through us if we did.

8:28pm: Lisa Salters is interviewing David Stern about the WWE-Nuggets
debacle......

Stern: '' If McMahon wants to take us on I will fucking break him.......YOU HEAR ME MCMAHON! I'M CALLING YOU OUT! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''

8:30pm: AND IT IS ON!

8:31pm: Lisa Salters lets us no that no twittering was allowed inside the board room that the lottery took place.

8:37pm: mailto:SEXYDSTERN@twitter.com-g it 4 DA knicks''

8:39pm: Jeff Van Gundy hasn't slept since 1988.

8:43pm: From here on ill just hit it pick by pick...

14: Phoenix Suns

13: Indiana Pacers

12: Charlotte Bobcats

11: New Jersey Nets

10: Milwaukee Bucks

9: Toronto Raptors

8: NY Knicks

7: Golden State Warriors

6: Minnesota Timberwolves

5: Washington Wizards (fuckkkk)

4: Sacramento Kings (hahahahaha)

3: Okalhoma City Thunder

2: Memphis Grizzlies

1: LA Clippers

8:53pm: So id say theres a 100% chance theyre takin Thabeet.

Falling back in love with the NBA.

2009-05-19T15:58:00.009-04:00

The great thing about being a kid that follows sports is that you don't know about the bad stuff, I matured as a sports fan at the worst possible time 1998-2004. When I was a kid the TV was a constant string of games Fox's baseball on Saturday afternoon, ESPN's Sunday night baseball, Braves games on TBS everynight of the summer, NFL games on Sunday in the fall and my personal favorite TNT's Friday night NBA Doubleheader. I was able to watch those games without the thought of ''Is this guy juiceing?'' or ''I wonder how many bastard's this guy's fathered?'' Somewhere around 1998 the sports media took it upon it's self to start not only reporting the good ( Shawn Kemp's an incredible athlete!) but to also report, and shove down our throats the bad (Hey did you know Shawn Kemp has atleast 7 illegitimate kids!). The guy pictured above is Shawn Kemp, who besides being my favorite player, was an alcoholic, a drug addict and really an all-around bad guy. When ESPN and the like started digging the skelatons out of the closet, no league had more skelatons than the NBA. After being inudated with stories about Allen Iverson's drug problems and spousal abuse or Jayson William's shooting his limo driver or Robert ''Tractor'' Traylor, the guy I had annoited to take over Kemp's post as my favorite player, eating himself out of professional basketball, I couldn't be a fan of these guys anymore. Sure I still watched the highlights, followed the draft, and caught the occasional play-off game, but I couldn't become emotionally invested in them like I did when I was 10 years old and watched the entire NBA draft.

Kevin Durant 1st sucked me in. Here was a very young guy playing on very bad team in a very bad situation. But you dont here a bad thing about him, as a rookie he played out of position the entire year on team that was relocating from a basketball hub to the middle of nowhere. Steve Francis would've demanded a trade, Shawn Kemp would've beat his girlfriend, Allen Iverson would've went on a shooting spree. Durant not only just shut his mouth and played, but scored 20 points a game.

Rarely do you get to see a young athlete actually make the leap from ''good'' to ''great'' infront of your eyes. Lebron did it slowly ar 1st, gradually adding to his game every year. Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter never wanted to do it, happy to just be either the best guy on bad teams or be ''The man'' on teams that were never good enough, just another example of failed potential. In the Bulls-Celtics 1st round series Rajon Rondo and Derek Rose showed me why I cared about basketball in the 1st place. They had to become the best player on their team for different reasons. (Rondo because of injurys, Rose because their was noone else on his team.) Instead of shrinking on the big stage they put on the most captivating show i've ever seen, Rondo went from The 4th wheel on the defending champs to a triple double waiting to happen, the guy holding the team together, getting the big rebounds and making the big shots . Rondo is like LeBron in that he does not have a ceiling as a basketball player. Rose, instead of being the scared but talented rookie doing just enough to lose, was hitting the big shots and making the big plays, excelling where the Carter's and McGrady's failed.

ESPN always likes to focus on whose ''next''. It was easy to look at a 18 year old LeBron and say that he was going to be great, and it is fun in sports to see a guy capitilize on his obvious potential. But it's more fun to see a guy like Rondo or Rose surprise us and go from ''boy'' to ''man'' in front of our eyes. Guys like that keep the hardcore fans intrested, and bring the fans that had a hard time putting up with the Escalades, Me-1st attitudes, groupies, and unrelized potential back.

Peyton will endorse you lubrication

2009-05-14T23:27:00.005-04:00

Hi, I'm Peyton Manning you might remember me from such annoying, overplayed commercials as Sprints '' 6-5 230 rocket arm'' and XBoxs highly unsuccessful ''NFL Fever'' commerical. Today I'd like to talk to you about lubrication, no not for your car......

(Ushers children away)

Is your love life lacking in the old spark? Is your old ball & chain not reacting the same way she used to feeble love-making attempts (Makes Manning-Face) Are you having problems getting your adult dick in your underage girlfriend?

Try Peyton Mannings '' Always Good'' Dicking Jelly

(Turns and throws ball through hoop)

'' No matter the circumstances you'll always be able to get it in.''

Mel Kiper Chooses a Prom Date

2009-04-20T03:11:00.003-04:00

(Inside Mels room in april of 1978...... Mel and his buddy Bill try to figure out who Mel should ask to prom.....)

Bill: So Mel who do you think your going to ask to prom?

Mel: I'm still pouring over the vital statistics and I should have my final projections ready by Wednesday.

(Gels Hair)

Bill: What the fuck are you talking about, just go with the 1st one that will fuck your weird ass. What about Stacy, the girl from our History class, she seems to like you.

(Gets stone faced look, eyes trans-fixed straight forward)

Mel: Stacy Dreeden 5ft 6in 130lbs Boasts a C cup bra size......(catches breath) posted impressive GPAs of (starts talking way too fast) 2.9, 3.2, 3.4, ....lost her virginity when she was 14...sluttyness makes her a impressive prospect for guys lacking expierence and smoothness....

Bill: Like yoursel.....wait what in the titty fuck was that? Did you really research prom dates?

Mel: Shouldnt everyone do that?

(Gets defensive about position on subject)

Bill: Well Mel not really....this isnt like the NFL draft....most guys like you should really be happy if their not sitting at home masturbating on prom night.

Mel: Whats Masturbation?

Bill: Oh fuck im outta here.....

Mock Draft- Good Friday edition

2009-04-10T11:16:00.001-04:00

1st Round

1. Detroit Lions- Matthew Stafford QB Georgia
--- Detroit needs a QB 1st and can get to their other needs later.
2. St. Louis Rams- Jason Smith OT Baylor
--- ‘’I like to physically assault people-on the field’’-Jason Smith
3. Kansas City Chiefs- Eugene Monroe OT Virginia
--- Forced current Chiefs Left Tackle Brandon Albert inside at Virginia
4. Seattle Seahawks- Aaron Curry LB Wake Forest
--- Can play any linebacker position and rush on 3rd down
5. Cleveland Browns- Brian Orakapo DE-OLB Texas
--- Will replace Willie McGinest @ Linebacker opposite Kamerion Wimbley
6. Cincinnati Bengals- Everette Brown- DE-OLB Florida State
--- Has never been arrested
7. Oakland Raiders- Jeremy Maclin WR Missouri
--- Al Davis chooses best fast guy available
8. Jacksonville Jaguars- Andre Smith OT Alabama
--- Jack Del Rio is a fan of manboobs
9. Green Bay Packers- Tyson Jackson DE-DT LSU
--- The beginnings of the transition to the 3-4
10. San Francisco 49ers- B.J. Raji DT Boston College
--- The end of the transition to the 3-4
11. Buffalo Bills- Ray Maualuga LB USC
--- Will give T.O. someone to be in the closet with
12. Denver Broncos- Aaron Maybin DE-LB Penn State
--- Will be surprised when McDaniels falls down; doesn’t break hip.
13. Washington Redskins- Robert Ayers DE Tennessee
--- Vinny Cerrato likes how he fills out a jock
14. New Orleans Saints- Brian Cushing LB USC
--- Because when you have 11 holes on D, it’s a good idea to fill one.
15. Houston Texans – Malcolm Jenkins CB-S Ohio State
--- Holds out due to racist police.
16. San Diego Chargers- Mike Oher OT Ole Miss.
--- Will be shocked when father wants to get to know him.
17. New York Jets – Josh Freeman QB Kansas State
--- Will be booed. Is not a land baron.
18. Denver Broncos- Knowshon Moreno RB Georgia
--- Shanahan thinks this is how pussys build running games
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Michael Crabtree WR Texas Tech
--- Just stay away……
20. Detroit Lions- Peria Jerry DT Ole Miss
---……from boats
21. Philadelphia Eagles- Beanie Wells RB Ohio State
--- Will shock Eagles fans by not being listed as Questionable for 16 straight weeks
22. Minnesota Vikings – Alex Mack C Cal
--- Things Brad Childress believes in: Easter Bunny, Love, Tavarius Jackson, Santa.
23. New England Patriots- Donald Brown RB UCONN
--- Belicheck will test his mettle early on with rape, scold him when he fumbles.
24. Atlanta Falcons – Ziggy Hood DT Missouri
--- Just tryin to get their black fans back after this Vick misunderstanding.
25. Miami Dolphins- Max Unger OL Oregon
--- Will make Pro Bowl, be nicknamed ‘’Mad Max’’, shoot self.
26. Baltimore Ravens- Darrius Heyward-Bey WR Maryland
--- ‘’DHB’’ Sounds like a date rape drug used by Maryland frat guys.
27. Indianapolis Colts- Mark Sanchez QB USC
--- Indianas 4 mexicans will be estatic; still poor and over worked.
28. Philadelphia Eagles- James Casey TE Rice
--- ‘’I needed a white guy’’- Andy Reid
29. New York Giants- Kenny Britt WR Rutgers
--- ‘’Registers his handguns.’’
30. Tennessee Titans- Ron Brace DT Boston College
--- Not as good as Raji; less stompy than Haynesworth.
31. Arizona Cardinals- Shady McCoy RB Pitt
--- Was nicknamed shady by white father, after white mother gave birth to him.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers- Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma
--- Is actually a 85 year old jazz legend.

2nd Round

33. Detroit Lions- Vontae Davis CB Illinios
--- Will have name misspelled 3,700 times over career, which will last 2 years.
34. New England Patroits-Clint Stintim OLB Virginia
--- Will be called ‘’Clit’’ by overzealous announcer.
35. St. Louis Rams- Andy Levitre OG Oregon ST.
--- Scrappy, Tough, Hustles=White, Unathletic, Fat
36. Cleveland Browns- Jarron Gilbert DE San Jose State
--- Can standing jump out of pool, does not know what a 3 point stance is.
37. Seattle Seahawks-Eben Britton OT Arizona
--- Will retire after 2 injury plagued seasons to start grunge band.
38. Cincinnati Bengals- Eric Wood C Louisville
--- ‘’Welcome to The Bengals Family Eric, here your Kevlar!
39. Jacksonville Jaguars- Clay Matthews LB USC
--- Will conversate with Del Rio about USC song girls going ass-to-ass.
40. Oakland Raiders- Coye Francies CB- San Jose St.
--- Al Davis is asleep at this point, leaves 127 year old corpse in charge.
41. Green Bay Packers- Paul Krueger DE-OLB Utah
--- Will become next land baron; skull fuck a willing Peter King.
43. Buffalo Bills- Brandon Pettigrew TE Oklahoma State
--- Will room on road with Trent Edwards, drawing the ire of T.O.
44. San Francisco 49ers- Rashard Johnson S Alabama
--- Finally off Nick Sabans payroll.
45. New York Giants- Sean Smith CB Utah
--- Will remind Giants fans of less-douchey Jason Sehorn.
46. Houston Texans- Louis Delmas S Western Michigan
--- Was known as the ‘’King of Western Michigan’’.
47. New England Patriots- James Laurinaitis MLB Ohio St.
--- Will remind some of Andy Katzenmoyer; be main eventing Wrestlemania in 5 years.
48. Denver Broncos- D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt
--- Token reminder of Jay Cutler trade.
49. Chicago Bears- Hakeem Nicks WR UNC
--- UNC grad going to Chicago!
50. Cleveland Browns- Patrick Chung S Oregon
--- Theres always karate.
51. Dallas Cowboys- William Beatty OT UCONN
--- Will fuck Ashley Simpson.
52. New York Jets- Fili Moala DT-DE USC
--- Was actually that fat guy that follows Pete Carroll on the sidelines.
53. Philadelphia Eagles- Troy Kropog OT Tulane
--- Will be the fall-guy for Andy Reids kids next drug bust.
54. Minnesota Vikings- Sen’Derrick Marks DT Auburn
--- Will be asked by veterans to wear gimp suit during training camp.
55. Atlanta Falcons- Cornelius Ingram TE Florida
--- The city will pine for his move to QB.
56. Miami Dolphins- Larry English OLB Northern Illinois
--- Will be compared to past Parcells pass rushers; fail miserably.
57. Baltimore Ravens- Ricky Jean-Francois DE LSU
--- ‘’Bonjour Ray-Ray’’
58. New England Patriots- Gerald Cadogan OT Penn St.
--- Cannot read.
59. Carolina Panthers- Pat White QB WVU
--- Jake Delhomme, you’ve been put on notice.
60. New York Giants- Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State
--- 3 years from now will hide Kenny Britts gun.
61. Indianapolis Colts- Percy Harvin WR Florida
--- Will strain hamstring changing name to something ‘’less gay than Peyton’’.
62. Tennessee Titans- Brian Robiskie WR Ohio State
--- Kerry Collins is not a fan of his kind, will party shirt-less with Vince Young.
63. Arizona Cardinals- James Cook TE South Carolina
--- Will be surprised to have coach that’s not legally insane.
64. Pittsburgh Steelers- Phil Loadholt OT Oklahoma
--- Last name evolved from ‘’Loadholder’’ was given to family when great-great grandmother sucked 37 dicks on ferry.

3rd ROUND

65. Detroit Lions- Mohammed Massaquoi WR Georgia
--- Middle name is Saddam.
66. St. Louis Rams- Michael Johnson DE Georgia Tech
--- Is made 25% more athletic by being named ‘’Michael Johnson’’.
67. Kansas City Chiefs- Conner Barwin DE-OLB Cinncinati
--- Sold soul prior to senior season.
68. Seattle Seahawks- Rhett Bomar QB Sam Houston State
--- Thinks Sam Bradford would’ve transferred by now if he wasn’t caught.
69. Dallas Cowboys-Derrick Williams WR Penn State
--- Is not as fast or talented as u may think.
70. Cincinnati Bengals- Jamon Meredith OT South Carolina
--- Pam Ward once fucked him after a ESPN2 Noon game.
71. Oakland Raiders- Alex Magee DT Purdue
--- Andre Ware did the same to him.
72. Jacksonville Jaguars- Louis Murphy WR Florida
-- Does less blow than Matt Jones.
73. Green Bay Packers- Jarius Byrd- CB Oregon
-- Will not enjoy his time in Green Bay.
74. San Francisco 49ers- Stephen McGee- QB Texas A&M
--- Will become gay icon.
75. Buffalo Bills- Jonathan Luigs C Arkansas
--- Will have Trent Edwards fondling his taint for the next 10 years.
76. New York Jets- Brandon Tate WR UNC
--- Will be horribly overthrown in all 16 games.
77. Houston Texans- Henry Melton DE Texas
--- At 6ft 3 and 280lbs will be the smallest of P. Diddys bodyguards.
78. San Diego Chargers- William Moore SS Missouri
--- Hasa future in bukkake films.
79. Denver Broncos- Terrance Taylor NT Michigan
--- Is fat and therefore can play nose tackle reasonably well.
80. Washington Redskins- Corey Irvin DT Georgia
--- Will have longer career than former Raider Leon Bender.
81. Tampa Bay Buccaneers-Lawrence Sidbury DE Richmond
--- Is related to the Ugandan Giant Kamala.
82. Detroit Lions- Kraig Urbik OG Wisconsin
--- The 1st Ukrainian NFLer.
83. Green Bay Packers- Cody Brown DE-OLB UCONN
--- Hates Asians
84. Denver Broncos-Graham Harrell QB Texas Tech
--- Will out play Cutler, but never out-sulk him.
85. Philadelphia Eagles-Ramses Barden WR Cal-Poly
--- Will steal one of Hefs girlfriend; have mediocre careers.
86. Minnesota Vikings- Jarett Dillard WR Rice
--- The Jerry Rice comparisons stop when he starts playing.
87. Miami Dolphins- Louis Vasquez OG Texas Tech
--- Tony Sparano has a thing for Mexicans.
88. Baltimore Ravens- Jasper Brinkley ILB South Carolina
--- Ray will teach him the ropes, and knives of playing linebacker.
89. New England Patriots- Mike Thomas WR Arizona
--- Will remind some of a black Wes Welker; not be accepted by Pats fans.
90. Atlanta Falcons- Darcel McBath S Texas Tech
--- A ‘’McBath’’ is what you get when you cant pay for your food at a Atl. McDonalds.
91. New York Giants- Jason Watkins OT Florida
--- Tom Coughlins already fined him 3,000$ for being a bitch.
92. Indianapolis Colts- John Gill DT Northwestern
--- Is a gay fish.
93. Carolina Panthers- Juaquin Iglesias WR Oklahoma
--- Will be the Enrique Iglesias of Panther Wideouts.
94. Tennessee Titans- Darius Butler CB UCONN
--- Will weigh more than LenDale White by seasons end.
95. Arizona Cardinals- Danny Beckwith LB LSU
--- Bourbon Street experience will endear him to Linehart.
96. Pittsburgh Steelers- Herman Johnson OG LSU
--- Weighs 700lbs
97. New England Patriots-Shawn Nelson TE Southern Miss
--- Hey did you know Brett Favre went to Southern Miss!
98. Cincinnati Bengals-Cedric Peerman RB Virginia
--- Is not an entertainer.
99. Chicago Bears- Brandon Williams DE Texas Tech
--- Enjoys bondage.
100. New York Giants- Bear Pascoe TE Fresno State
--- Eli always wanted a bear.